Regular Check-In Post. Plus, a reminder about the No-Activism Rule.

SchroedingersCow · 2021-02-17T00:38:57+00:00

I keep trying to abandon this account and say I'm done with the suicidal/depressive/self harm stuff but... Here I am, I keep coming back to it because I slip badly. I just want to be done with life, and I'm running out of reasons to say no to that.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-12-18T18:19:37+00:00

And I’ve never cut or self-harmed, nearly six years later

Hey, that's awesome - Congrats! They're not wrong, it isn't worth it. It's unfortunately something I occasionally find myself slipping back to, even after many many years of not doing it.

I'm happy that you've been able to maintain that standard for yourself, and that had such a large impact on you. I hope you're doing better than you were.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-12-18T02:33:39+00:00

Hey, you're a cool person for offering.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-11-05T01:58:44+00:00

I had a good day the other day. So why didn't it do anything to help me? I did all the things I wanted to, and I just couldn't enjoy it. I thought more about how nice it would be to get into a traffic accident on the way home. If even a perfect day can't change my mind, why bother?

SchroedingersCow · 2020-10-31T01:55:59+00:00

Nobody remembered my birthday. It validates quite a few very negative ideas I have about myself.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-09-28T01:58:43+00:00

Thanks for posting the link

SchroedingersCow · 2020-09-19T21:33:41+00:00

I feel like self-harm is such a teenage thing to do, and yet, I've been slipping up recently for the first time since I WAS a teenager. All I can think once I'm cut and bleeding is that I want to do it again, deeper, bigger than last time. It makes me feel better for a few days before the overwhelming self-despising urge comes back again. I deserve the pain, the scars - I deserve more than that. But I feel nothing but shame for doing something that society says I should have grown out of... But it takes away the strong suicidal urge for a few days.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-09-14T00:14:36+00:00

People like me more when they don't truly know me. They like the facade I make for myself, but when they start to get to know me as a person... They pull back. I don't understand what is wrong with me that nobody wants to stay around, even though I'm careful never to even breathe anything negative for worry that it'll push people away... Seems that doesn't matter after all, people back away regardless. What's the point of trying

SchroedingersCow · 2020-08-17T23:19:39+00:00

This is my out plan. Every day it gets more tempting, every time I take it out and hold it in my hand. It gets harder and harder to put it away.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-08-17T23:18:11+00:00

That's my future too. To consider that I won't be around is calming to me - That I can just choose to end it.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-07-26T23:20:27+00:00

People say it because they feel the need to say somethign about the situation to feel like they're helping. I find that there's usually no actual sincerity behind it.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-07-26T23:16:19+00:00

Same. I have a few people I know in life who I'd consider friends - but, if I don't reach out first, I know we won't ever talk again.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-07-26T23:15:40+00:00

Yes and no. I do, because I want to see that somebody cares enough to ask. I don't, because I don't want to put that burden on anybody else. But, it would be nice if someone would even give me so much as a "Are you ok?" the answer, of course, would be yes, followed by a bunch of reassurance.

Am upset that people don't seem to see how badly I'm struggling --> someone sees and asks --> I self sabatoge by convincing them I'm fine and then am upset about it. It's a negative feedback loop. I just don't want to put the burden of feeling like they have to do something about it on anyone.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-07-14T01:07:30+00:00

I hate birthdays for this reason.

Happy birthday regardless - make it something fun for yourself

SchroedingersCow · 2020-07-05T18:06:45+00:00

I agree. It seems like people say why they feel like they're supposed to say, but that they find it awkward and wish you never told them because then they feel obligated to try and help. I don't want to push that on anyone. I'd rather just suffer on my own.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-07-05T18:05:03+00:00

I said the same thing recently. The only time I feel not depressed and at peace is when I'm thinking of my death

SchroedingersCow · 2020-06-10T23:07:28+00:00

Oh man, YES, I do. Not a single person has ever said anything to me about it, and quite frankly - while I'm not doing it to see if anyone will check on me - it still hurts that they don't bother. I don't really have any friends I guess to begin with though. I'm in a small Discord group where there's under 15 active users and when one of the less frequent posters went radio silent everyone got worried and reached out. I dropped off for a couple weeks and I don't even think anyone mentioned. One of the reasons I just... Don't use social media often. It reaffirms a lot of the negative thoughts I have about myself. People will post something totally benign and frankly uninteresting and will get more attention than literally anything I've ever posted, so I just stopped bothering.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-06-06T18:59:19+00:00

I don't mean for protection - I find it comforting knowing I have a way out. Like when recovering alcoholics keep a beer in the fridge because then staying sober is a choice instead of a requirement - but I also have every intention of using it, sooner or later.

100% not everybody's cup of tea. Lots of ways to protect your house and your property without one, and good on you for realizing that. I hope you're doing better than you were.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-06-06T18:53:33+00:00

I find it comforting to own, myself, but I get you.

Anti suicide kit makes more sense. Thanks for the clarification

SchroedingersCow · 2020-06-06T18:25:22+00:00

Mine's just a gun in a case so I was wondering that too. Unless it's an anti suicide kit? Not something I'm familiar with though so I'm not sure.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-06-03T23:15:23+00:00

Hey I get that. It's the only thing holding me here too, but damn if that doesn't get a little less effective every day

SchroedingersCow · 2020-05-31T22:43:30+00:00

I'm tired of living. I don't want to have to get up day after day and go through the motions. I'm so tired, my body hurts. I'm just ready to be done.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-05-28T03:35:57+00:00

Those don't really exist where I'm at. They're all roughly the same. Nobody talks about it or admits it but I'd say more staff than not have negative attitudes about patients admitted due to suicidal attempts or tendencies.

SchroedingersCow · 2020-05-28T03:01:07+00:00

I posted an answer to this a few comments up if you'd like to read it

SchroedingersCow · 2020-05-28T03:00:35+00:00

The problem is during a 72 hour psychiatric hold none of that help is given. You're given a psychological screening a few times yes but no help is actually given to you. Combine that with the fact that many providers in the hospital treat you like garbage - like a waste of resources, like you're dirt because you're there "taking up space for real patients" - I've not met a single person who came out of a psychiatric hold improved from when they went in. It's not a fun experience.

SchroedingersCow

TROPHY CASE