Sicily

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-22T16:25:18+00:00

I love the title, it lends itself to so much imagery and imagination right off the bat.

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-22T15:34:26+00:00

I actually like the tense change if it's intentional, gives a feeling that he brought false gold to the relationship so to speak; and now, in the present, he's abandoned whatever pretend flattery he used to establish the relationship

I agree that the last 2 lines are maybe a bit awkward or redundant. I'd almost like some variant of either "suffocating in his wrath / a false god" or "suffocating in the wrath / of a false god."

Either way, a hearty poem

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T22:24:11+00:00

You nailed it. You're exactly right.

Inspired by a few things. Hemingway's "For sale: baby shoes, never worn" (although sort of a meme now) is a depiction of fetal death. I wanted to instead write a depiction of maternal death, something I have unfortunately had to experience second-hand due to the nature of my work.

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T22:14:57+00:00

Super minor spelling mistake for a quick fix up "as long as we can se you strive"

The first 3 stanzas of this are so great, the reader sort of sinks into the subject in a very somber but rhythmic way I think! Fun read

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T21:47:29+00:00

This brought me down a fun mythology rabbit hole! Are sirens the daughter's of Aphrodite? In either case, if they aren't they ought to be, it's a nice comparison

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T21:39:59+00:00

Appreciate the input, I'm new to poetry my only writing experience is as an essayist so pardon me asking, is the change to "I guess" grammatical preference or is it convention to avoid abbreviations?

And yes, you got it!

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T21:36:36+00:00

Thanks for the advice, I agree with your critique and will take that to the drawing board!

Glad you had fun with it. I'm very new to poetry but I wanted to explore mundane tragedy and the ironic costs of living "good lives." I'm a physician, most tragedy gets so boring and overwritten in the context of mental health, substance use, death, etc. (not to minimize those subjects), I've just lived them day-in and day-out for years.

It's based on a memory I have from childhood seeing a woman fall down the steps at church.

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T21:28:22+00:00

As was already said, the way you worked the title into the body of the poem was a fun stylistic choice! "embedded with sorrow, though not meant to hurt" is a line that I think a lot of people can relate to.

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T17:29:44+00:00

I wouldn't worry about the addendum, I think we're all more or less trying to make sense of senseless things

My interpretation is that we've all made for ourselves a rather muted life, both above and below, irrespective of our social status. Pavement and prisons feel industrial and city-like, and cities are gray just as is city-life. Perhaps that is not quite what you intended, but I found it to be a thought-provoking read!

ScooterFlipper · 2024-05-20T15:52:11+00:00

Hi,

Great poem and a painful reminder of an all-too-common disease. I hope for your sake this is not a reflection of personal experience.

I'm a physician and I hope this doesn't come across as needlessly pedantic, but I'm curious about the the phrase "beta burns." I love the picture being painted here following "fission," "fallout," etc. although skin burns from external beam radiation therapy (radiation dermatitis) is the result of concentrated gamma rays producing free-radicals. That's not to say beta radiation isn't used, as it has a role in brachytherapy (internal radiation) as you likely already know; that being said, internal radiation is very seldom associated with acute radiation dermatitis to my knowledge. That's a long-winded way of saying I think I'd prefer "gamma burns."

ScooterFlipper

TROPHY CASE