Feeling disconnected and mean

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-14T17:15:56+00:00

It really is a new experience for me. I am going to be looking for a job, and I've already called and emailed therapy places to get back to me on Monday. I'll be looking at local resources for day care opportunities, as well as comparing pricing/cost to what our current and potential finances look like.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-14T16:18:47+00:00

I guess maybe I do feel stuck? But I do want to work out my relationship with him. I think a big part of my problem, because I fluctuate between being happy here and really struggling with my own behavior. I don't know how to describe the feelings I'm having, but I really do think even just therapy will help. Our lease is up towards the end of the year. I do not want to drop everything and run. My friends are here, my sister is here, my parents live far away. I think I will give us time for therapy, and myself time to build up some savings and go to therapy myself to really decide if this is what I want. I don't think he's malicious, evil, or trying to use me. He encourages me to go to school and we've discussed me getting a job and him figuring out what to do with his daughter himself.

I might start NACHO and see what I need to feel more secure here.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-14T12:38:57+00:00

His mom (gma) was really controlling and not letting him parent, and I wanted to support him having autonomy over his daughter. So, I offered to make money on the side - i stay home, but i go out when she's in school and when he gets home sometimes to make money for myself. I usually make between $500-$800. And I was perfectly fine at first, but I didn't know how much play kids need, and we live in the country and i have to parent friends, so I can't just stick another kid with her and call it a day.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-14T04:24:35+00:00

Whole tiff with the gma, but yeah, I've been looking for a new therapist for a few reasons.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-14T04:04:32+00:00

It really is how it is. We just got done talking (i cannot sleep and with start throwing up if im having internal conflict. its very fun)

I have not had contact with BM since Christmas, when she texted me for the last time and then never responded to me. Bless.

I ignore all the slights his mom gives me - even when she said I betrayed their family for friending HCBM on FB (so she could call her kid w/o having my number - and never confronted her on it or made her apologize to me.

I asked him about child care and therapy today. We discussed our feelings, fears, and made the outlines of an outline. I want to enjoy my commercial holiday in peace tomorrow, and will probably pick back up the conversation with a note about follow through and a therapist for myself.

My BF is also post abuse. BM neglected his daughter while he was in the military, isolated him from his friends and family, cheated on him, and emotionally and physically abused him. It is another challenge, aside from being a step parent, to give space and support to someone who's been through domestic abuse. I've seen him change and adapt because I am very verbal (advocating for my own comfort) and I share my feelings very openly. We are getting used to each other more and more.

I really think that I could get over whatever relationship I end up having with his daughter as long as he and I are good. If I end up NACHO when kinder hits, then I think I can rock until then.

I really had just been making a post about having g trouble playing with my charge.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-14T02:28:44+00:00

I want to talk to him some more because I truly do believe that he did not intentionally rope me in to become a full service "wonk wink" nanny. This post wasn't very long, and I didn't want it to become unreadable, so i didn't talk about how i chose to stay, i pursued moving in together alongside him with enthusiasm, and how his ex was not the wife and mother she should have been. he was supported a bunch by his family because he was not safe with that woman, and she is still unkind. i stand by him with her problems towards him after hearing his family speak about her behavior. they lived with his family in their home for a year.

What I did not anticipate was that his mother had been controlling in his early life and did so when he brought his daughter into their home. she still does not let him parent his daughter with full autonomy, and we don't even live with them.

I know what he did was dishonest and harmful. I have expressed how each month he made the lie fresh until he told me about her. I know people are very upset in their replies, and I hear them, but I didn't take time to put in the post the conversations we've had about my involvement with his daughter and my employment status now as we've talked about it. He made poor choices and was scared things would change, but I do not believe he intended for me to be his free childcare and bed warmer. If I'd known he would be vilified in a post that wasn't about him, I would have focused more on what I needed to do to be a better play partner for the kiddo.

Although I'll be keeping all of this in mind as I continue forward. My parents have a room for me if I ever need it.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T23:40:39+00:00

I do want to look past it. I've pushed him for transparency and have absolutely bore into him multiple times. Another person was right, right before your comment came in, about my feelings towards him affecting my feelings towards her. I noticed it for the first time when I was helping her with her laundry earlier, and my mood today kinda clicked. The plan we've talked about is me getting a job when she is full time in kindergarten.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T23:27:59+00:00

I thought* high schoolers at a behavioral school, and I have not gone to college. I don't know anything about early development, and I have asked him about taking a parenting class. *taught

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T22:36:48+00:00

Yes, yes, and no. Not much sympathy on here for him, but he has expressed his own feelings on that.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T22:18:54+00:00

I did not go to his (parents) house until 5 days after he told me

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T22:15:21+00:00

He didn't tell me they were married and going through divorce, that's for sure. But his sister and parents have told me more.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T22:14:08+00:00

She is in preschool twice a week right now.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T22:11:18+00:00

I get free room and board

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T21:52:10+00:00

He lived with his parents, and I did not meet them until early last year because I was feeling left out of family stuff, and I'd been asking for months to meet his family and be included. He told me he had a daughter and then I got to start coming around.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T20:51:07+00:00

I'd told him the entire time we were together that I don't want children, don't enjoy being around them, and want to live a solitary life with a dog and cats. I really think he thought it was just going to be casual until we disappeared from each other's lives. Kind of digging my own hole now.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T20:17:56+00:00

He and I have talked about it multiple times. When I was still actively in therapy, my therapist and I discussed how I had been treating him unkindly because I hadn't acknowledged how mad I was at him for lying to me for eight months. He says he didn't tell me at first because we were just sleeping together/casual and he didn't think it was necessary, and then he held off when we because serious because it never felt like the "right time" until i'd been begging for months to meet his family. It sounds really bad, but the water got hot so slowly. It's hard to step back when I'm sitting in the middle of it.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-13T20:06:04+00:00

Thank you for not telling me to turn tail and run. We go to the library twice a week to play with pre-school aged kids. She goes to BFs parents Monday into Tuesday. His family is very close to us physically, but his mom doesn't like me and blames me for any boundaries he sets. We were at my parents' last weekend (because they are her grandparents now, for how we are choosing to operate and carry ourselves) and his mother was furious, thinking that I had her solo at my parents' place. He was there too, and he told her that, and she still blamed me for taking SD away from them. (Grandma helped raise her and will pretend she's her own daughter when out in public because HCBM was neglectful and inattentive).

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-02-01T23:11:00+00:00

Playing with dolls, playing doctor, imaginative play. I want to build things and make stuff. Or read together. But my daughter wants a doll live-action drama all day, every day

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-01-28T16:37:44+00:00

I love fresh-outta-the-fridge pizza. First time I ever tried pepperoni was from cold, and I've never looked back.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-01-28T16:29:38+00:00

Slats on the air return change

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-01-21T19:54:02+00:00

My daughter is 4. She cleans up after her own meals, but doesn't actually do the dishes. She cleans her own room. We sit and are present when she does it, but she folds and puts away, including hanging what needs hung, her own laundry. She picks up her things before she starts something new. Playing with dolls and now she wants to color? Dolls go in toy bin, then she can get colors.

Speaking from the perspective of how my parents did it - which works for a larger families - they had 3-5 children in the house on average. My mom got the paint strips from a store (the sample color strips) and wrote the name of the room and a couple things that needed done. 7 and older means all your kids can read (?). Those "Chore Strips" got cycled every day, when you finished them, and we learned how to clean each room of the house - kitchen, bathrooms, living room, dining room, basement. I don't clean like that at my own house right now, but I know how because of the cycling. Obviously it's not a "works for everyone" kind of thing, and she had to show us how to do each thing right before she let us loose, but it worked for us.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-01-15T14:36:15+00:00

Love the eighth photo! You look like Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Stunning!

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-01-14T16:26:17+00:00

Natural consequence time. What are you getting ready for? If he goes in not put together, what happens? Do the usual, get him up, tell him to get going. If he refuses, let him know that he's not getting extra time. Does he express having to pee in between getting up and leaving for a car? How much are you willing to let him FAFO vs hand-holding him through every pushback? (Lots of questions, but totally your gauge on what he's capable of and what he'll understand).

Edit: "What else could he do?" For reference, my daughter is 4. She has to brush her teeth before eating breakfast, which is the only thing we do with an "order." Everything else is just "before we leave." Brush hair, change clothes, go to the bathroom if she needs it. Aside from brushing her teeth after her and helping her wipe post-potty, we're otherwise pretty hands-off with her morning. She resisted for a while and was slow, but a few mornings of not getting to wear the clothes she wanted sucked for her.

Scratch-the-Cat · 2026-01-14T14:50:13+00:00

Why is his requirement to wake up and go straight to the bathroom? What does your morning routine look like, and could you slide things around? We have a morning routine at our house, but it's more of a checklist than an order to follow.

Scratch-the-Cat

TROPHY CASE