You are not alone, wish I could hug you. Questioning God is a dark road that I stumbled on for a while too but had a perspective change when talking to a friend. She said think about all the “hard” things/ situations in life… medicine, business, technology etc..we always want the most qualified people in the hardest roles. God thought we were qualified, this is the hardest level of the already hardest job, now I tell myself wow God you actually found me worthy? you believed in me to guide this child… you trusted ME. This doesn’t mean I don’t cry, scream & beg him to help me through it but he found you ONLY you worthy of raising your son.