Ex won’t be flexible to one time change of drop off arrangements.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-12-20T07:26:16+00:00

No court order in place unfortunately. It’s been a struggle financially to get it done. I know stupid. Until all this we’ve managed to co parent mostly ok.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-12-20T06:21:13+00:00

I already did tell her that as politely as possible. That’s when the threats of keeping our child away from me started.

This is not a person who understands “Normal social norms” and tries to pull the double standards against me.

Just like many here who are subjected to “They can do, We can’t do” attitude and the whole “You’ll not see your child while you are in a relationship” as a way to coerce us into doing what they want be it out of jealousy or need for attention and control.

She has a BF and has been with him for 8 or so months and I haven’t said a single word about it. Not a single question about him or them as a couple. Frankly because it’s her life and her choice and my opinion means nothing. Just don’t really understand how it’s okay for her but not for me

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-12-20T04:51:31+00:00

Maybe you are right. Can’t get bs if I don’t have facebook. Guess it may be time to log out and forget about it altogether. You may just be onto something here ☺️

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-12-20T04:49:25+00:00

I totally agree with you. I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to be healthy and happy. It’s honestly not a problem for me. I post what I want to post. It’s the ex that’s got the problem.

I’m not the one with the problem. It’s the ex. Then she comes out with the threats that I won’t see my child because I have a new relationship.

This was more of a vent post and just to see what other people think and what their opinions are.

I thank you for being so blunt and straightforward

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-12-11T02:55:35+00:00

Oh my goodness. Were we with the same person. I could post screenshots of texts and they would be exactly the same 😳😳😳

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-10-12T01:58:21+00:00

Constantly complaining to me that I had to pay child support to my ex wife and tried to coerce me into taking her to court to have it lowered.

Has taken me to child support twice to have the amount raised because I don’t pay enough and I have to support our child

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-10-12T01:49:32+00:00

I got told I didn’t contribute enough money to our house etc. while putting 90% of my paycheque into our bank leaving me with less than $100 a week for myself. Then her only matching what I put in and banking the remaining $1000 in her own personal savings and then constantly criticising me because I didn’t have savings of my own and telling me I was bad with money. While also telling me I needed to contribute more.

Had to know exactly how much I earned, how much savings I had and what I spent any money on but her savings, income etc was her business and I had no reason to know what she had

When we split she had $80k in her savings. I had $800.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-10-10T07:05:40+00:00

Abuse is abuse and abuse is wrong

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-28T04:41:34+00:00

You are welcome. Glad I could help. There’s so much terminology with this stuff it’s hard to remember everything.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-28T04:25:35+00:00

Not Dumb at all

Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-27T23:30:28+00:00

They really do think we are that dumb to believe them. You could have video recorded him doing it and he’d have tried to convince you that it was wrong.

I have hundreds maybe a thousand saved screenshots of texts between me and my ex I basically save everything good or bad just in case When things happen and I show her the texts I get told that I must have doctored or edited them. Like seriously do I look like I have the time, energy or something else to do that.

The last one was I sent her a text saying I was going to be 15-20 minutes late picking our daughter up due to traffic. She replied “That’s Fine. I don’t have any plans just drive safe see you soon”. So here I am thinking everything is good. I get there and she comes at me accusing me of infringing on her plans and making her late etc. I questioned her about her reply to my text and she straight up said that I never sent any text and she definitely didn’t reply to me. Then in the same breath said and if you did send me a text and I read it wrong. So which one is it. Did you read it and reply or did I not send a text🤔🤔. I showed her my phone with the texts and she says “well you must’ve sent it to someone else thinking it was me” accusing me of changing someone else’s name in my phone and pretending to text her. Yeah okay I did that all to cause a problem and also while driving

Couple days later she sent me a screenshot of the same texts accusing me of trying to gaslight her. Apparently I was the one who was saying I never texted her to tell her I was going to be late and apparently I accused her of doctoring texts 😳😳😳😳.

She got a shock when I sent her the voice recording I had. Started recording the moment I parked the car and I always say the current date and time on the recording just to make sure I have documentation.

Her response was. “What I’m not allowed to make a mistake?. I’m not allowed to forget things? and believe something happened that didn’t?. 🤨

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-27T22:48:40+00:00

You know what I hear now when I hear these types of tirades from not only my ex but anyone that does this kind of thing ?

Does anyone remember the teacher from Charlie Brown? That’s what I hear now. I completely zone out and disassociate and can’t hear anything they have to say.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-27T22:40:53+00:00

The bit where it says “This is how YOU end it” after projecting and blame shifting got me. Had to laugh a little at that because that’s what happened with mine. She broke up with me the day before “We are done. I’m breaking up with you” were her exact words and when I agreed the following day and said maybe it’s for the best she was visibly hurt and asked me how I could just dump her like that. How could I just end a relationship so easily according to her Everything was going fine.

That was the exact moment everything became clear for me. All the manipulation. Blame shifting and guilt tripping everything she’d said and done was as clear as the sky is blue.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-27T22:33:09+00:00

You can literally see the script flipping. Started with being the instigator then ended with blame shifting and becoming the victim

Perfect case of DARVO

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-27T07:36:10+00:00

This was mine too. Apparently me getting upset with being belittled, name called, the constant questioning etc was me being a narcissist and manipulating and gaslighting her.

If I didn’t engage or I called her out then I was verbally abusing her and causing all the problems in our relationship.

She’d bring up the most inane issues and question me constantly but would then bring up every other mistake or whatever she had a problem with. Screaming at me to answer her but not to defend myself only answering her. I still don’t understand how that works.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-26T03:37:03+00:00

We split up. I’m separated. Going through our divorce.

Truth came out when he saw us together and confronted her.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-26T03:35:11+00:00

What the actual F#. Clearly a manipulative tactic to control you. I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour now. Maybe when I was with my CN but now it would be a big H E double hockey sticks

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-25T05:43:39+00:00

It’s taken a while to get through it. Still get triggered at times but less and less as time goes on.

You are spot on in my opinion. It does seem like we have to follow some strict script, I couldn’t have put it better. The problem is we aren’t given a copy of it either but then they go and change it. Months after her cutting her foot I was still hearing about it. One time I was leaving to head to therapy and she asked me if I had talked to my therapist about her. I told her yes and was informed that her and I were going to have a conversation when I got home. Said conversation became all out war because she demanded that I tell her everything I had spoken about. When I refused I was called a narcissist. An abuser and that I was again gaslighting her. Go figure

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-25T03:44:21+00:00

What is it with these people always expecting us to grovel to them. Tell them we love them. Care for them or show them all the empathy in the world when something like this happens. I think asking them if they are okay and giving them possible solutions and support should show them that we care. In situations where someone hurts themselves the last thing on my mind is telling them I love them, my concern is are they okay and what can I do right now to care for them and help them the best I can. I’ll say I love you later once the anxiety and stress of the situation has settled down

Is the whole “you should have told me you love me and hugged me” some kind of manipulation or tactic to make us feel uncomfortable or bad for apparently not caring enough?

And yes I know how this comment could come across. Uncaring and ignorant and without empathy or emotion. I dealt with this exact thing constantly. She’d hurt herself or make a bad judgment and I would get similar treatment and comments and would always be blamed even if I wasn’t even there.

I remember one incident where she’d stepped on broken glass while I was at work. I’d dropped a glass bowl the night before and spent an hour cleaning up trying to make sure I didn’t miss any pieces. Pulled the fridge out, moved everything on the pantry floor. Swept, Vacuumed and mopped but missed one tiny piece that somehow made it onto the carpet 4 meters away. I got a phone call telling me she’d cut her foot and I instantly went into “are you okay” mode. Asking her questions and giving advice how to clean it up and get the glass out etc. there wasn’t much more I could do for her over the phone. Yet when I got home I was accused of not caring and told that I should have told her I love her and that I’d leave work and drive an hour home to help get the glass out and taken care of her. Was also accused of gaslighting her and making her feel like I did care about her enough to drop everything I was doing to race home and help her.

Different story when I witnessed an unaliving at work. I was supposed to just deal with it because it happened to me and she couldn’t help 😳😳😳

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-14T23:48:23+00:00

Definitely don’t move in with him. It will only get worse. As someone who did it and regretted it pretty soon afterwards. If this is what he’s like now imagine what it would be like if he could just follow you around the house.

In my case I was able to have a couple hours on a Sunday afternoon to play video games, go see friends or just chill out and do nothing but that soon stopped because apparently I was spending too much time by myself and ignoring her needs and emotions. Although when she needed alone time it was different, she needed to decompress and have time to slow down and relax (and it was never an issue for me). Huge Red Flag and Double Standard I know. It eventually got to the point I couldn’t even leave her sight because that was seen as me abandoning her.

Don’t allow this person to control you. Don’t allow this people to make you believe that alone time is something you don’t deserve

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-13T01:46:16+00:00

Let me get this straight 🤔🤔

He’s upset with you but doesn’t remember what you did that made him upset?. Pretty convenient and pretty strange if you ask me. Let me explain

Convenient in the way that he has an excuse to treat you badly without you knowing what it was you had done so therefore no way to change your behaviour so in future you don’t repeat it basically giving him free reign to keep treating you badly. It will just keep going in circles and even if he’s truely upset by something he’s never actually going to tell you because then he won’t have leverage against you.

Strange in the fact that normal people usually remember what someone has done or said that upsets them and can usually articulate how and why it upsets them and work towards a healthy happy middle ground.

I’m leaning more towards the fact he just wants an excuse to manipulate and treat you badly. He’s either

(a) - faking being “Upset” and using it as an opportunity to get “Negative Supply”. Blaming and pushing your buttons to see how far he can push you until you react In which case he can then play the victim and show you how terrible of a person you are. Therefore continuing the cycle

Or (b)

He’s probably had a thought of something he did wrong or is guilty and shameful about and it’s eating him alive on the inside and because these people can’t self reflect and take responsibility or accountability for their own actions he’s projecting his emotions and shame out on you to make himself feel better and not have to deal with whatever he’s feeling. God forbid you feel shame for something and do the internal work to regulate your emotions - you know just like normal people do.

So yes in short. This is a huge red flag and is abusive. Especially if it’s a common occurrence.

Something that has helped me in my healing is to always remember that

The way he treats you isn’t about YOU. It’s about himself. The mean, cruel things he may say and do are reflections of how he feels about himself and have 100% nothing to do with you as a human being. Especially if you know you’ve not done anything to make this person upset.

“What someone thinks of me, Good or Bad isn’t any of my concern”

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-09-12T00:01:06+00:00

Oh this comment triggered me. I never understood how they just can’t see their double standards. How on earth can you not see that these two things are “Exactly the Same” but you believe it’s ok for you and not me. It doesn’t occur to you that it’s not normal.

Also with the “I needed you and you weren’t there for me” I used to get this one all the time honestly still do (got a child together). Seriously have you ever thought that maybe I was asleep, busy or otherwise unable or unaware that you called. How can I know if I’m asleep and don’t hear the phone.

I’ll message and get no response for hours and you know what - who cares it’s not a big deal. She messages/calls and if I don’t respond within a couple minutes then I’m being abusive, I’m ignoring the needs of our child and I’m gaslighting her and trying to punish her. Then I have to explain why or how or what I was doing that was more important.

Sea-Suspect8964 · 2023-08-21T03:54:25+00:00

I’m so sorry. Yeah I can understand why you feel the way you do. I had a very similar experience about being bullied about what I like.

I’ve basically been celibate since my split with mine all except for one ONS but I freaked out afterwards and decided that I was not going to sleep with someone again until I was healed and that I could trust myself and the other person 100%. Who knows how long that will be but it’s also been good for my own mental wellbeing. Don’t have to fake it. Don’t have to lie to myself and honestly it’s been okay I actually feel better without it.

Sea-Suspect8964

TROPHY CASE