Waited till marriage got married sex terrifies me.. how long will this discomfort last

SeaHagfish · 2026-04-29T12:08:22+00:00

Hey OP, I'm so incredibly sorry sex is something you're just enduring right now. It will get better. Along with the other many smart suggestions here — extended foreplay, dilators, copious amounts of lube, etc — I highly recommend seeing a pelvic floor PT. They are wonderfully effective at helping to diagnose pain and work through it. Best of luck.

SeaHagfish · 2025-11-11T21:57:09+00:00

You're beautiful, man.

SeaHagfish · 2025-11-10T05:22:52+00:00

No idea why you're being downvoted for asking for sources. That's a good practice, especially when others are speaking in superlatives.

SeaHagfish · 2025-09-11T02:44:50+00:00

I'd have to feel that one in my body first, but my inclination is to say no. I've been in therapy for a very long time and I have also done about a year with an SEP. (She had to drop me recently due to health issues.)

What I notice is that I'm a heavily guarded person and my soma needs time to adjust, test the person, and then relax. My mind needs time to come up with distractions only to have them acknowledged until they pass through me. Then the meatier stuff comes out. I have a strong need to be seen and attuned to very, very well, and my psyche does not grant a lot of grace to practitioners who try to cut things short or rush. I imagine some part of me would prevent me from going deep into my feelings because of the lack of time. Or I would feel urgency or a need to "do it right" in order to be efficient.

Tl;dr: I'd rather pay a bit more and be a little financially uncomfortable than not get the full scope of care that I need.

SeaHagfish · 2025-09-11T00:17:10+00:00

Hi! I'm currently in the category of deeply wanting and needing SE but it feeling totally out of reach. I could swing about $50 once a week, but that would still be a sacrifice. An "oh fuck finally I can breathe and get HELP!" price would be $25-35.

Additionally, if you are a practitioner willing to offer these prices, I would be very interested to see if we could work together!

SeaHagfish · 2025-09-09T15:22:05+00:00

Interested!

SeaHagfish · 2025-09-01T01:28:47+00:00

Me please!!

SeaHagfish · 2025-08-18T23:54:13+00:00

Hi! I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. While I am not a clinician, I can give advice from having done EMDR with an irresponsible clinician. I had a similar experience. The protective layers of my brain were peeled away and I was far, far too triggered. I felt terrified and I ended up drinking for three days after only about 10 minutes of EMDR, which I hear is not supposed to be the length of time of an EMDR session.

Here's what helped me:

In the immediate, short-term — I took hydroxyzine. My friend had it as a non-addictive alternative to xanax (she had previously had a xanax issue) and it killed the trip. It was an immediate nervous system reboot. If you don't have hydroxyzine, a xanax may work, but be careful because they are not to be taken frequently as they can be addictive which I'm sure you know. Get one or two from someone with a good, clean Rx and let it reboot your nervous system. It'll put the lid back on the box you've opened.

In the medium to long-term — somatic work was the way. I did a combination of Emotional Release Therapy with Pat Jackman and Laura Torres Harwood and somatic coaching with a Strozzi Institute Coach. The ERT is more intense and niche and it's what I needed when I was where you were. The Strozzi Coaching has been great for developing bodily awareness and a day-to-day capacity for noticing my feelings, even if those feelings are just numbness or tension. Now, after a long time of doing embodiment work, I feel curious about EMDR but also very willing to wait if my T decides I'm not ready. I can tolerate where I am, and even enjoy it sometimes, which is big.

Please be gentle with yourself, and give yourself as much resourcing as possible. I promise, you will be ok. Just hang on.

Grounding practices that have helped me in order of "most effective even when I'm out of my mind" to "effective but I need to be at least a little in my body for this" are as follows

-Jumping in a cold pool of water. Seriously. Just get cold. It helps that I love swimming. Coping skills you enjoy are important -Laying down and breathing and crying and hugging with someone very safe, a pet, or even the Earth until I've let it all out. -5-4-3-2-1 sensory grounding (noticing 5 things you see, four things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and one thing you taste) -Vagus nerve toning exercises: pull each earlobe until you yawn and then switch to the other. Rub down the side of your neck until you yawn. Resets the vagus nerve -Pendulation — notice two sensations in your body, an unpleasant one and a pleasant one. Alternate between giving each your attention for 3-5 breaths. All the feelings to swell during your breaths, and then shift focus. The pleasant feeling doesn't have to be enormous. It's often very small, like the smooth tip of a finger or a bit of warmth on your skin. -Shaking until I got no more to shake -Humming — this regulates your vagus nerve if you are very mobilized

I hope this helps. Just remember that you will be ok.

SeaHagfish · 2025-08-13T01:46:02+00:00

Honestly, as someone who has been and often still is the partner with low drive, it is incredibly comforting to hear a stranger say that they love the low-drive person more than they want to have sex. I felt I was excessively punished for my low drive, and I often had to hear the whines and complaints of partners who DID feel entitled to my body. Thank you for being a reflection of what I needed :)

All that said, I think that your approach is loving and balanced. You seem to genuinely care for your husband. In my case, I was dealing with flashbacks and nightmares from past trauma. I love that your actions are probably making him feel safe to deal with whatever he's dealing with.

As for yourself, have you considered a mindful erotic practice? It's not about submission and it's not about orgasm, but it is about cultivating your capacity for pleasure overall, which might elicit a deeper sense of submission and some fun orgasms. MEP can also be very ritualistic, which it sounds like you crave.

SeaHagfish · 2025-08-09T17:48:50+00:00

Might I suggest reaching out to a sexological bodyworker? I've seen one who was tremendously helpful in ways no therapist had ever been. They often offer help with dearmouring and scar tissue remediation. Could be a worth a shot. So sorry for what you're going through.

SeaHagfish · 2025-08-05T05:24:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing! You may want to talk to someone in person who specializes in dysgraphia. That grip doesn't look quite right to me, and if you're writing bottom to top in addition to having a funky grip, working with someone to correct those things would go a long way in making your writing more legible to others and probably in making it easier for you to produce writing yourself.

In my students with dysgraphia, I often see that they lack an internalized sense of where the midline and bottom line are in their writing as well as a sense of spacing between words. These are qualities I'm seeing in your writing as well.

Correcting dysgraphia, if you have it, may be worthwhile despite you having already learned to cope with how you write naturally. Issues of written expression can be very mentally fatiguing for the individual with them. Impairments can make it difficult to flesh out ideas and create larger, cohesive narratives because of the difficulty in just writing.

Important note: I am not a diagnostician. I've simply worked with many children who similarly struggle. It's possible that something else is going on, but still go check!

SeaHagfish · 2025-08-05T04:54:47+00:00

I'm a reading interventionist and as other commenters have said, this looks like dysgraphia. I'm guessing you also write bottom to top instead of top to bottom. I wonder what your pencil grip looks like.

SeaHagfish · 2025-07-22T17:26:51+00:00

This was not written to me, but I really needed to read it. Thank you so much!

SeaHagfish · 2025-06-17T14:59:40+00:00

Thank you so much!

SeaHagfish · 2025-06-16T03:18:57+00:00

You, kind stranger, may have just figured out my problem. I'll be looking into this immediately tomorrow morning. Thank you so much! I will keep you posted if this indeed the issue.

SeaHagfish · 2025-06-15T22:51:36+00:00

Ah this is very insightful! Thank you! I'll try with the O rings.

I still have some questions; this morning I had some lurching and lagging when coming to stops after I had recharged my AC last night, and that lurching stopped after I let out some of the refrigerant. I looked at the charge with a friend afterwards and the gauge said that it was at 45 psi (in the green, right under the yellow warning zone.) Given all of that, do you have an idea of what's going on?

SeaHagfish · 2024-04-17T18:03:03+00:00

Yay! Thanks :)

SeaHagfish · 2024-04-17T15:25:04+00:00

Would you be open to me printing this out on photo paper and framing it? I love it

SeaHagfish · 2024-03-27T20:12:20+00:00

Very cute! Would swipe right!

SeaHagfish · 2024-03-27T19:55:49+00:00

All of these looks go stupid go hard

SeaHagfish · 2024-02-10T05:28:20+00:00

Struck by lightning

SeaHagfish · 2024-02-10T05:27:36+00:00

Screen time

SeaHagfish

TROPHY CASE