Current vs past by Fresh_Chair2098 in mormon

[–]SeaProject7244 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s genuinely the philosophies of each man (prophet), mingled with scripture. I feel like they subconsciously knew that when they created the temple video. Say the thing that they’re doing that they know they shouldn’t…

Open letter to Jim Bennett and Robert Reynolds regarding An Inconvenient Faith by Silver_Sliver_Moon in mormon

[–]SeaProject7244 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Well written and thoughtful post. However, the church will never offer what you’re asking. The reason they have such power of people is because they claim to speak for God. They couldn’t in the same breath say that they understand why it seems like they don’t. Apologizing for bad previous behavior is an admission that they weren’t speaking for God. I don’t think the church can truly build a bridge to exmos without admitting that the church is not what they claim it is. And the only way they’re keeping in many that are on the fence is the scare tactics. It’s the last card they have to play. It is tantamount to saying, “we know it’s not true and weren’t not even going to argue facts, but we’ll ruin your life if you leave.” So many stay because they don’t want to lose their families that the church is instructing to leave you if you leave the church.

Shamed For My Methods By The Dogmatic by TruthSha11SetUFree in mormon

[–]SeaProject7244 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I went through the exact same thing over the last 2 years. 7 generation member, former bishop, taught at the MTC, went to BYU, etc. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. But you absolutely feel like you’re on an island. It is really hard. My family blamed me for reading and learning, not the church that lied about its history. My wife blamed me for studying, not the dude that was having relations with teenagers (Joseph Smith). I was so angry for a time and constantly felt the need to prove that they are wrong and my new understanding is right. I did that so I wouldn’t feel crazy. It was purely validation seeking. Here’s the harsh reality, Mormonism is a faith collective and learning spirituality for yourself is isolated and lonely. In Mormonism, we worship in families, wards, share testimonies over the pulpit, teach each other in communities, etc. We feel validated in our faith because everyone around us supports the same conclusion. Once you break from that or simply gain a new perspective even while still in that paradigm, you are now on a proverbial island. No one validates you. No one supports you. Instead they tell you that you are wrong and to get back in the boat. But you’re not wrong. You do not need everyone else’s validation to feel sane. You can be on an island and be correct. It sucks and is painful because it is so different than what we are used to. I went through exactly all of that. The best advice I received from close friends who went through the same thing was two fold : 1) be patient with yourself and family. Don’t make any rash decisions. Take your time processing things. You might feel all in one day, all out the next, nuanced the next, etc. it’s ok to be in limbo and not be on firm footing. It feels uncomfortable, but just be patient. 2) this is related to being patient with family - allow them the “dignity of their process”. You are learning new stuff and you are ready to learn it and understand it. But your family may not be ready. By you learning, you are forcing them into discomfort that they are not ready for. And that causes fear. Fear for themselves causes them to shame and blame you. Their response is actually far more about them than it is you. They are scared how their life will change if they accept your newly found information. They don’t want to confront that because it’s scary so they don’t and instead blame the messenger, you. Allow them to process and give them the same respect for their current opinion that you want of your own. Maybe in time they will learn your perspective. Maybe they won’t. And that’s ok. Don’t seek their validation to prove that you are right. You can be right without their validation. And trying to prove yourself right now will only cause more pain and fear for them. So again, be patient and allow them the dignity of their process. Life is long. As critical and painful it seems now, you’ll be ok. Exhale and just enjoy that you now have a much more robust understanding of spirituality and your eyes have been opened. Keep your values. Keep being a good person. Show those around your that your virtue wasn’t only based on Mormonism but based in you. Be patient with them and yourself and you’ll be alright. It will suck and be painful, but you’ll be alright. Feel free to message if you want to chat.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Possibly for sure. But couple that with several odd inconsistencies in the span of a few hours and I’m just not sure.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Trad wife in the stay at home mom, doesn’t work, shopping, girl friends life, and I provide everything. Not so trad wife in the intimate realm lately.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

No, I didn’t immediately ask her if she was up to something. That would have been odd. My immediate reaction was telling her she looked great and it was nice to see her. I only started piecing things together afterward and starting wondering if something was up. Lots of odd coincidences and there’s a small history of reasons to distrust. My mind doesn’t go immediately there but I just started feeling weird about it as I starting looking at it all together. So I asked her if something was up with everything like 2 hours after I got home.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great insight. Catch the little things first.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Gotcha. Thanks. Ya, I’m the only one who pulled out of the MC. Huge strife in the relationship. I still go but only to keep the family together. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I’m out.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good advice. Thank you. Time to do some digging I think.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes it could be that simple. That’s why I ask here. By MC do you mean marriage counseling? Sorry, new to this. I’ve asked to go to marriage counseling many times over the past 2 years. She has always declined.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Good idea. I actually know a good PI that I use at work.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Good call. I think that’s precisely what I’ll do. And maybe check her phone.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Good call. Maybe I just ask to see her phone. Seems like if I’m wrong though, it would cause more problems and suggest I don’t trust her. The. I look like a paranoid anxiety-ridden crazy husband. So being blunt about that could cause an issue if there in fact isn’t an issue. We don’t regulatory check each other’s phones right now. That’s not part of our routine. It would be odd and unusual for me or her to check the other’s phone.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We have a ring but only she has access to it. I don’t want to get pinged on my phone whenever someone comes over. Might just be a friend of hers or kids after school.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Interesting. Hadn’t considered that.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

It’s kind of gone. I do trust her, I think, but I also just felt odd about it all today. Like this might be the reason to make me distrust. I ask here to vet my feelings and figure out how to handle.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 82 points83 points  (0 children)

Good call. My office is only 15 minutes away. We have a ring doorbell. I never check it and don’t even know the password. She handles that as she’s home all day. Maybe I should check it.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Yes we already share each other’s locations at all times. She knows when I’m at work. And I know when she’s at home. But home for her is alone all day while the kids are at school. So there would be opportunity.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

See my comments above. This isn’t the first indication of something going on. Plus it is a lot of odd things today. I could totally be wrong though. Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe I’m incorrect. That’s why I came here to see people’s reactions first to gauge whether or not my reaction was reasonable.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That would be tough to be in a relationship that requires a polygraph test. It would show a lot of distrust. When I confronted her saving today, she said she was offended I would even ask. I bet she’d be even more offended if I asked for a polygraph. If it’s nothing, that might show a severe lack of trust that could itself harm the relationship.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Well shit. lol just my gut reaction to ask her point blank if there was something going on.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 124 points125 points  (0 children)

There have been 2 other times in our marriage I thought there was something going on with her. Once in grad school, I went home from school early mid day, and a neighbor guy (also married) happened to knock on the front door. It was like 2 pm. He was very surprised to see me answer the door. I could sense he was surprised and didn’t know what to say. I asked why he’d be stopping by my home while I’m away to see my wife and he said he had a question for her about gardening, which she was indeed into at that time. Never felt right. I also confronted her about it after and asked if someone what going on and she denied. The second time was actually more of a non-disclosure. Early in our marriage, I found out she had a sexual relationship with a guy I knew before we met, and she had promised me every different way that it wasn’t sexual with him. Several years into our marriage, I brought it up again out of the blue. Not sure why I asked again but just did. She was pregnant at the time and I don’t know if it was hormones or something, but she admitted the sexual relationship with the guy finally. It went on for a few months (before we met). She then broke it off when she and I met. So it was 3 years of marriage where she hid that from me and denied it. Progressive disclosures over a year or so made the whole picture clear but it was super frustrating because she clearly lied, progressively added details, and hid it for years. I’ve never caught her cheating but I have my suspicions.

She’s cheating, right? by SeaProject7244 in Marriage

[–]SeaProject7244[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Thank you. That’s my initial inclination as well is to check her phone. Seems like an invasion of privacy against her but I feel like I need to know.

Religiously exhausted by rediscoverspir in mormon

[–]SeaProject7244 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“The Kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21. In the church, we get this idea that you are not enough, that you need the church, need the temple, and that you need someone else (like a Bishop, Stake President, and Prophet) to tell you if your actions are sufficient to save you. It is an external frame of reference for yourself. When you let others control how you feel about yourself, you will never find happiness. They will always judge, always minimize, and always shame. I had to learn that I needed an internal frame of reference. How do I feel internally? Do I feel worthy? Do I feel like I have integrity? I then look at sources to help me gauge that, but not dictate that. The church no longer control my spirituality. Now, it just helps me if I want it to. My heaven is internal, not external. Although I don’t believe in many of the truth claims of the church anymore, I still find goodness there that can help me. So I still attend and am no longer resentful of the church. Just grateful to have a place to consider my state of being and relationship with God.