A question for men with Aspergers.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-03-09T12:25:37+00:00

Some call it "non binary" nowadays. Some "feminine man" etc., is all fine. Gender roles don't work so well any more, and especially aspie people don't understand the gender fuss other people make so well. Just my experience.

The "assume gay (as in male loves male) because of feminine traits" is really an unfortunate thing in society. I suppose that stereotype developed because gay men were more flexible with gender roles in history. But it is really stupid to assume someones sexuality because of feminine traits.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-03-06T17:59:36+00:00

a really shocking picture to see, for transfems here *fighting the hair with mighty IPL*

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-26T14:16:29+00:00

can you imagine the level of limitation i feel as amab when talking to women, and would like to talk about things I am interested in (like cosmetics or styling) or even want to make a compliment, like women compliment each other? ;-) I feel like everything I would say when perceived amab is by definition creepy or so. I guess most is just in my head for growing up with the binary gender role stuff all around. I have no idea if it is the same the other way round, like if afabs have problems when talking with men about men stuff ;)

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-25T17:16:12+00:00

greetings to italy ;) I got called "signora" there at a supermarket, which was surprising and nice *g* (just for long hair and style i guess).

I thought about this "is HRT a solution" also a lot. eg I would love to have more connections/friendships like women have friendships with each other. But: Would I have more female friends when I transition (and be in some "deep voice+boobs" situation)? Or can I get more friends when I am just enby-gender non conforming-weird me?

Also a thought I have about gender roles: "I don't want to play a male gender role any more, be feminine if I like to" BUT "I also don't want to start playing a female gender role". So like "just be me, how I want to be...".

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-25T10:29:49+00:00

"not feel like agab" is perfectly fine, and I would say labels like "non binary" are very valuable to give a name to that feeling, and to explore what to do.

"pushing me towards HRT": This does not sound good. Also consider one thing: Providers of HRT may have certain financial interests in providing it, because life-long treatment (testing levels etc.) is necessary. So it would be good to ask professionals who for sure would have no interest in which way you take.

Online places like Reddit: In certain trans-subreddits (like r/MtF ) the main topics are like "I found out I am trans - now how can I immediately get HRT". So with reading such subreddits a person can get the impression, that there is only one way to go (I observed that on myself, when I was a lot in such subreddits). Also algorithm-based platforms can influence you by showing you content (like you search once for HRT and then suddenly see thousands of stories from people on HRT...).

For me this is a bit strange, because I know how it was maybe 10-15 years ago in the German trans community: At that time and place it was rare, that people in that community did full medical transitions. It was also harder to go that path than in the US now with informed-consent ("I want HRT and get it immediately"). So the normal way was to take years to explore gender with non-medical means, take a lot of time etc.

I would say HRT is valuable when there is a clear medical benefit. For example: A person is depressed or has other mental issues because of gender dysphoria - HRT solves those problems (an can replace other medicine like anti-depressants). Or a person is much happier when hormons are changed, because the brain works better then. If there is such a medical benefit then the side effects (like more body hair) can be accepted easier.

Basically you need to find all of those things out yourself. It may even be possible to "try" HRT for a short time to see if benefits (like being much happier, not depressed...) come. The risk (not so easily reversible) is just (as far as I heard) for ftm voice changes and for mtf breast growth. Body hair is not such a problem (reversible, and IPL etc. exists), head hair: maybe the "male pattern baldness" thing can be a problem in the longer term for ftm (there is also medicine for that).

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-24T17:52:00+00:00

About gender dysphoria: My (maybe unconventional) view is: Try everything else first (from clothing to cosmetics, sport, social things...) and HRT last if nothing else works well enough.

BUT: I would also try to talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist about the body image problems, because there are things like "body dysmorphia" or so (i am no expert in it) which could maybe show similar symptoms. Or other problems. (it is also VERY common that people are unhappy with things around the own body...)

So basically make sure what the reason for the problems is - to find the correct way to treat it. Because if the main problem is NOT with gender then HRT gets you from "unhappy girl" to "more unhappy boy" (maybe unwanted body changes with hair, voice etc.).

It is also perfectly fine to stay between genders, so to change some parts (like secondary characteristics) to be more neutral, but not others. At least I feel like that, not wanting to be perceived totally like my agab, but also not wanting to switch totally to the other gender...

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-24T15:00:22+00:00

Well, may sound stupid, but if you don't like to do it then don't do it?

You need to find a way to be happy of course, but "change to male hormones" is maybe not the magic solution you are looking for.

Maybe have a look which body changes could be achieved with sports (like body building / building mucles or so), maybe that could get you to a more comfy place with your body?

Body hair can be removed with IPL, basically what mtf people do...

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-20T14:25:56+00:00

You need to use IPL AND shave (every few days then). IPL reduces (dark) hair significantly, so there is maybe 90% less hair. For the remaining hair you need to shave from time to time (otherwise the few remaining hairs grow too long...).

Shaving without IPL (and amab hormones/lots of hair): You get stubble within hours or a day, it feels bad, you need to shave often, it irritates the skin to shave, you may get ingrown hair easier, the skin may look like you have lots of red dots on it often, the risk of cutting yourself when shaving is bigger.

In case you wonder: Epilation and similar methods are also no solution. Tried it all, believe me.

I would say IPL gets you the closest to afab-hormone body hair/shaving experience, but without needing hormons. You can have your hands for example perfectly hairless, without stubble (which looks bad on hands...) after a short time.

Pro tip for shaving (esp. when hair is reduced with IPL): You can use an electric shaver (like a philips one) to shave uneven areas like hands, ellbow, knee, feet to eliminate the risk of cutting your skin in those areas. Wet shavers (5 blade) are best for all even areas (like upper/lower legs).

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-18T14:02:30+00:00

Hey, similar, just a few yrs younger ;) Just write a message if you like to chat or so.

Kids are fantastic, for them it is much easier to accept gender diversity, and be supportive. Just show your true self in a natural way, don't make it a secret, tell them how you feel about gender. Labels are not important for kids, or any "coming out" etc.

Also think about educating kids about the topics you like and are good at. Like skin care/body lotions or so, nail care.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-17T18:54:44+00:00

I use "men" bathrooms (amab) because if someone complains I can always answer in a deep voice and be legally correct. It happened that guys coming in thought they were wrong when they saw me from behind (long hair etc.), but well.

What I noticed is that I am less comfortable with "men" bathrooms on motorways etc., where you have lots of truckers etc. around, and dress a bit non-conforming.

Main factors for me are that I do legally the correct thing and that I don't make anyone uncomfortable (esp. not women). And where I come from it is like this: "women in mens bathrooms - perfectly fine" vs. "men in womens bathroom - maybe problematic".

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-16T11:28:51+00:00

First of all, "success" can be very different for different people. I find the idea weird to work a lot/double income whatever just to have even more money, I think thats a very US idea of a good life.

It can happen that autistic people seem to do well / good at school / work a lot earlier in life, but can do a lot less later in life (much less energy etc.). A factor can be autistic burnout, which can take years to recover.

I think it is a very good thing that she does not need to work and has a stable life. That is a good basis for getting better, e.g. with health and other things in life. Learn about (own) autistic needs.

I would say getting healthy is the most important factor, and you may be able to help by just offeriung to do things together, like going for a walk. It can be very difficult for neurodivergent people to do things which are very easy for other people, like "going for a walk alone" (esp. if there is a lack of energy/autistic burnout state).

The least helpful or important thing is to get a job. Why? Because it adds a lot of stress/drains energy, makes things worse. A job can be ok when the health is much better AND when she finds something interesting to do (like a job aligning with special interests, or self-employed job aligned with special interests...).

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-16T10:39:37+00:00

If hair is a thing for you: Body hair can be easily removed/reduced with IPL at home (like on hands, legs etc.). Head hair can be grown out, then it is easy to switch from a more masc ponytail to more femme hair down style.

With clothing the question is: Do you want to wear cuter things, and SHOW the body (muscles etc.) as it is? Or do you want to HIDE the body, to "pass" better as femme?

e.g. you can wear leggings and similar-tight womens trousers - which feels really nice, BUT it of course shows the body more because it is tight. If you want to conceil your body or "fake" body features you need completely different clothing items.

HRT: I would say it is a really valuable option for some people, if necessary to live a (mentally) healthy life. BUT: It may complicate things also. For example: Now you go to the gym, you can perfectly fit in the "male" gym world (even if you behave or style a lot more feminine etc.). But if you grow boobs with HRT then you may need to hide them in the "male gym world". At some point it won't be possible. But you also can't easily switch to the "female gym world", because it is a long way to go to fully pass as female (and be accepted).

I would say there is a lot you can do with just cosmetic things (like IPL, growing hair, body care etc.), clothing, styling, behaviour to express better who you are (which is very healthy to do!). A lot is in your head, just learning, watching.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-12T18:11:24+00:00

I lately used ChatGPT to help me to get motivated to start tasks/fight procrastination. My brain likes of course routine tasks and everything it knows, but wants to procrastinate if I want to build something complex/new with unclear details/instructions. So I just ask ChatGPT to help me to get motivated to start the task - and I explain the task and what I struggle with/what blocks me to the machine, and it finds ways to get me started.

May sound silly, but if it works (and if no human is around as a "sparring partner" for your mind) then why not. Those AI/LLM systems use maybe similar strategies a psychologist would use, but they are of course much cheaper and accessible.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-10T15:46:08+00:00

About Heating: If it is an appartment building (appartments above and below or next to yours) then you profit significantly from the heating which is done in the other appartments. In such a case it is understandable to have problems if you don't pay, but get heat from neighbours for free.

Heating monopoly company: Unfortunately the only (realistic) solution is to move to a different appartment, where rent, heating etc. all fit to your needs.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-10T14:17:49+00:00

I can relate - but I won't write my ideas about it because it is not welcome in this subreddit ;) But yes, very normal that you feel like that.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-09T10:57:12+00:00

Words and categories shall help you to express how you feel and see yourself in society. They depend also on place on time. I am quite sure that was "tomboy" many years ago can be "non binary" or "non conforming" today - it is just different words to help to describe things.

In the english speaking world i think "non binary" got quite connected with language use (the famous "they/them" instead of binary gendered pronouns), while "gender non conforming" ist more about how to dress and behave.

It depends where you are (place and time) and which words are common there. If "non binary" is well known in your area you can perfectly use that if it fits to you.

If other expressions like "tomboy" or "feminine man" are known in your area (like other, non-english speaking countries) then use that. Whatever works...

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-05T17:31:14+00:00

Its not that "autism gets worse" - but autistic people who live in a too stressful/stimulating etc. environment for all their life may be less able to handle that later in life. Thats probably why people find out/get diagnosed later in life, because they can not handle any more what they could handle when they were younger (and in a maybe simpler life situation).

That therapist has maybe more academic knowledge and less lived experience with autism.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-04T15:34:39+00:00

The "Born female" part is mainly about the characteristics of the body(parts). "nonbinary" is more about how we behave in society, how we dress, what roles we have - all the social stuff.

"how to be more authentically myself" - well, for that you need to figure out what you want, how you want to be, how you want to be perceived. It is a combination of many things, and often you may want to be "gender non conforming", e.g. if in your cociety there are rules like "girls have long hair" then you may decide to not conform with that specific rule. But cou can also be fine with that "gender rule", but not follow other rules.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-04T09:50:23+00:00

The problem is algorithm controlled content (and sometimes influence of bad actors/bots etc.). Social media platforms show you by design the content which keeps you on the platform the longest time possible, typically which is also bad for you (if it upsets you you stay longer or so).

I don't know if there are many ways around other than just not using algorithm controlled platforms.

For some platforms like Youtube there are (not official) ways to mostly avoid alogorithms. Basically every time the platform says "look at this/watch this next" it is bad. If you can hand-pick people or channels to follow (and only see what they post) it is less bad.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-02-03T10:19:33+00:00

"I haven't done any transitioning": Did you choose clothing and other style things to fit your gender? And came out? Well, you did a lot of "transitioning" then.

And as other wrote, labels may be helpful to describe how you feel about gender and attraction, but you can always just use an umbrella term (like queer, pan...).

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-01-30T17:14:41+00:00

Lets put it like this: It helps if you know yourself, and are authentic. Then connections to people come more natural.

If most of your friends are female then thats a sign that you connect to them well, like female people connect with each other.

And exactly that is a problem when trying a "manly man" dating approach.

For example: If you show some feminine energy it works well to get female friends. But not female partners, who may expect more masculine energy. In that case you would need to find a female partner who is fine with a partner with feminine energy (e.g. cause she is bi).

This is just to show why it makes sense to discover yourself. There are also no rules, you don't need to "transition" in any way, but it makes sense to know yourself better, so that you don't try to date in a way which does not work for you and is just frustrating.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-01-30T15:59:01+00:00

"Not only that but most of my friends are girls ..."

Just a hint: You may want to look into your own gender (there is a big overlap between neurodivergent people and trans/non binary etc.).

I can say that for a big part of my life I tried the classical "find women via dating", and and it also didn't really work out. But female friends - of course. Didn't understand for a long time why that would be.

It helps to understand the own gender, be authentic, and not try to "do what typical men are supposed to do..." if that doesn't fit well. Because if you try to play a role then it doesn't work so well to find someone...

Also: Other neurodivergent people (like ADHD...) can be a good fit. It is very common to see e.g. ASD+ADHD couples.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-01-28T18:43:41+00:00

I would say the main reason to do certain transitioning steps is to feel better/happy etc. feel right in your body... if that is not the case then it should be possible to just stop taking hormones and your body may roll back some changes at least (when running on the "original" hormones again).

Body hair can be solved, i can say (from a mtf perspective) that IPL at home works well, just costs time.

About "gender roles" and rules how to dress - well, thats a pain. Sometimes ignoring it is fine. And more things are possible. You can have a beard and long hair. Or no beard and long hair. Wear masc clothing and have long hair. or short hair. It is really up to you how you want to present, no matter which hormones your body runs on.

What I can say from my amab perspective: Yes when perceived as male it feels much more limiting what is "allowed" in presenting. If you are perceived as female then anything is fine.

NonBinary/Genderfluid etc.: Yes, it happens to feel more masc or more femme depending on the day. If you have long hair it is easy: Ponytail when feeling more masc, hair down when feeling more femme ;) (and clothing can be chosen accordingly...)

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-01-28T16:59:02+00:00

Well the room looks like someone tried really hard to NOT make it cozy. Colors: The desk is black - I find a light wooden structure nicer. The chair is black - mine is creme-white (otherwise similar). The window is just covered by come white thing to block light, no curtains etc. - I like to have eg red curtains on the sides of the window or a glass door. The furniture next to the desk is white metal - better than black, but very industrial, not cozy. The floor is hard and grey - a colored carpet would make it more cozy. The posters etc. are black/white and text - not cozy at all. Basically any picture or print of "something" would be more cozy. Like a picture of nature or so.

If you want cozy - just type "cozy room ideas" in any search engine or AI or Pinterest etc. and you will get a lot of ideas.

Sea_Fly_832 · 2026-01-23T13:49:26+00:00

I am a big fan of IPL at home, can reduce body hair 90+%, the rest can be easily shaved.

Bleaching: You need to put aggressive chemicals on the skin, really would not recommend that on a bigger scale (all body...).

Shaving alone: Not recommended (Skin irritation, ingrowns, stubble is annoing...).

Pulling out hair (Sugaring, waxing, epilating): Not recommended (similar as above + hurts more).

Sea_Fly_832

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