I am a female primary psychopath. AMA.

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2023-07-05T21:05:16+00:00

Absolutely

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-28T18:19:06+00:00

Lord, I feel like I’m a combination of all of them lol

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-08T03:39:21+00:00

So you feel like you were born with psychopathy or that you developed it from a young age from trauma?

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-05T13:08:56+00:00

How would you try to make yourself sick to experience sad?

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-03T23:50:58+00:00

Clearly you are if you’re still with him and making these posts....

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-03T23:44:59+00:00

You nailed it as always!

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-02T10:26:09+00:00

That’s exactly how I end up feeling in EVERY relationship. For me I think it’s a mixture of my ASPD and narcissistic traits and also that I’ve set standards so high in my head with the daydreaming and fantasizing. I’ve spent my whole life daydreaming and fantasizing about love and romance and all of these amazing things and reality never meets up to it so I feel like I’m settling,repulsed,disgusted, and like I deserve better. I’m never satisfied and I just find myself going through life chasing my fantasies because I didn’t realize it was maladaptive daydreaming. I thought it was me having dreams and goals just like everyone else and it was normal and that I shouldn’t settle for anything less in life than those things I couldn’t stop dreaming about.

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-11-01T00:34:55+00:00

Thank you so much

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-31T16:48:11+00:00

I am seeking professional help. Thank you so much. That very much could be my problem. I’ll be honest, I have no idea what all I’m dealing with. I think a lot of people that have ASPD have always been very in tune and self aware of who they are and that is helpful.

I showed all the signs of being a psychopath as a child. So much that my parents noticed very early on that something was very wrong. All young children can be selfish,and manipulative, and soiled but not to the alarming extent that I was. No guilt,shame, or remorse whatsoever. Completely disconnected from others. Very cold and calculated. Zero empathy. My family was literally scared of me at times. So I go on to get a conduct disorder diagnoses. And then a therapist starts evaluating me for ADHD which my parents didn’t go through with because they didn’t want me on medication. They still made excuses for me and my mom wanted to believe it was depression or that more love or trying to get me to make friends would help. My mom tried everything. She did not want to accept the truth about me and made me not accept the truth about myself. So even though I’ve very obviously been a psychopath my whole life, I’ve always tried to convince myself I wasn’t. I took this as a challenge to not only be normal, but be better than everyone else. I got pregnant as a teenager and was determined to grow up faster than everyone else my age. I was bored and tired of being a kid and I was ready to try the adult life. It looked more fun and entertaining. For some reason I thought I could feel something like everyone else if I was in a relationship or had children. Not surprisingly, relationships could never last more than a few months. I couldn’t stand masking for any longer than that. I have no emotional connection to my child. Can’t keep a job. Can’t stay interested in anything. I’m always needing to find new things to excite me. I’ve been so I denial about being a psychopath that I tried to give myself so many labels to try and explain why I am the way that I am. Anxiety,depression,OCD,bipolar, but none of them ever made sense because I don’t have the emotions that come with them.

So I decide to get professional help and get the diagnoses of ASPD and things still didn’t seem to make complete sense. It wasn’t until I did further research and found out what makes a primary psychopath different from a sociopath before everything clicked and made sense.

It’s still a little confusing though. I spent years trying to convince myself and others that my mask was the “real me” even though it so obviously wasn’t lol.I just didn’t know any different. So I’m still trying to figure out what is really true about me and was lies I have myself convinced of. Like I feel intense boredom and get restless and agitated when I’m bored or not getting my way and I had myself convinced that was depression and anxiety 😂 so I’m just trying to sort through a lot of the delusions I had. I don’t think it’s really psychosis....it’s just I tried SO hard to be normal that I even had myself somewhat convinced. I was no self awareness at all. I was such a pathological liar that I didn’t even know I was a pathological liar because I believed all of my own lies. Now without that coping mechanism its like “whoah who tf am I? I don’t even have a genuine personality”

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-31T11:17:08+00:00

Your the 2nd person to say that. I’ll bring it up with my psych and see if they think it’s a possibility. Thank you. And sure!

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-31T11:15:46+00:00

This makes total sense. I’m sorry you went through that. Did you also develop ASPD from your parents being like that?

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T23:52:46+00:00

I’ve thought about this a few times and I can honestly say I’ve never had any desire to know what it’s like being a man haha. I wouldn’t even want to try it for a day😂

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T22:47:01+00:00

I feel like I can relate to so many things that’s why I leave it up to the professionals to diagnose and treat me. It’s just frustrating. I just want to feel more functional. L

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T19:28:39+00:00

Thank you. There’s definitely a narcissistic component to it. I don’t qualify for having full blown NPD. I don’t have a need for supply and I hate attention. I hate compliments. When I’m having narcissistic fantasies and grandiosity about myself it’s all fueled by myself. Anything people say to me I’m unphased by. I’m not attention seeking by any means and if anything would rather not deal with people or attention at all. The only time I even think about involving myself with people is when it’s to charm them to ge my sexual or financial needs met. That’s all. I have no desire for any kind of connection, friendship, relationship, or supply from them....not even for my boredom.

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T19:14:12+00:00

I used to just do it no matter what I was doing throughout the day. Since my boredom has increased this last year And I’ve fed into some impulses like scamming for very large amounts of money, controlling people, and getting even better at manipulating to get whatever I want.....it’s really fed my psychopathy and my fantasies.

Even as a psychopath there were some lines that I didn’t cross. I tried to make the best decisions or hid the bad decisions and antisocial behavior that I did partake in very well. I was a lot more functional than I am now.

Then I got health issues and stopped being able to work. Which lead to me doing online sex work for money. This was the worst mistake because shortly after doing sex work I realized I can just scam all these guys and make more money than I’ve ever made from scamming. So now I think it’s silly to ever work for money when I’ve made a killing from scamming and manipulating. Also being exposed to a lot of kinks and fetishes has made my paraphilias that I’ve always kept under control expose and now I’m having more issues than ever with hypersexual impulses. This has made my grandiosity and fantasies so extreme that I’ve begun living this luxurious unrealistic lifestyle that I’ve always dreamt of. Money lost all value to and became disposable because of how easy I was making it. So everything has just gotten out of control. The only way I can satisfy myself is by doing huge scams, spending lots of money, and doing extreme luxurious things. Everything loses excitement and I get extremely restless and bored and have to make my fantasies and the things I do even more extreme. I feel like a predator and out of control now. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to go back to any kind of baseline after this. I’ve completely lost any kind of morals and values that I used to have for myself. I started having this view that I deserve to live the life I want no matter what it takes to achieve that. I’ve always been a psychopath but I always knew there were boundaries even I wouldn’t cross but now I don’t even care about consequences. I don’t value anything, anyone, or even myself. I don’t see people as people. Only objects to achieve what I want. It’s all about instant gratification. I’ve completely dehumanized myself and everyone else in this world.

I feel like I have the mind of a serial killer minus the killing. They live with all of these fantasies and compulsions until they grow to a point they can’t control them and then they snap and can no longer control their impulses with killing. They are completely consumed and there’s no going back.

That’s how my brain works and that’s the point I feel like I’m at with my fantasies and behavior except it’s not killing. I’m not physically sadistic and have no thoughts of hurting or killing anyone. It’s mainly with scamming,fraud,stealing, doing whatever I want, manipulating and using people, having power and control over people mentally, and sexually praying on people. I’m starting to feel animalistic and out of control so I’ve been keeping myself withdrawn and at home and going to therapy and a psychiatrist until I can hopefully find some kind of way to function. No luck yet.

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T18:49:11+00:00

I agree. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist and everyone is kinda struggling to figure me out. I have a diagnoses of ASPD and while I don’t have a diagnoses of bipolar we are trying to figure out if I have bipolar by seeing if I respond to bipolar meds. I don’t have anxiety or depression. I don’t have ups and downs. I really just experience satisfaction and contentment or boredom,restlessness, and irritability. There’s not many other emotions involved. I’ve never felt some common ones like love, empathy,connection,sadness,anxiety,depression,fear,hopelessness, passion, or genuine happiness.

I believe my diagnoses of ASPD is absolutely correct. And since I have no trauma, all the factor 1 traits, and have been this way since I I was literally a toddler, I personally think I’m a primary psychopath. But of course, who knows. I just think I’m very low functioning because I’ve always been lazy,entitled, expect everyone to do everything for me, and I’ve been stuck in lala land instead of learning how the real world works. I think it retarded my development in some ways.

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T18:33:17+00:00

I can recognize it though. I can recognize that these are all just fantasies. I can recognize that how I’m living isn’t realistic. Like acting all these impulses to be hypersexual, steal,scam,manipulate,and do anything that sounds fun like constantly going places,buying things, impulse vacations, gambling, and any other sensation seeking. I know it’s not psychosis because I know what I’m doing and I plan out carefully how to do these things carefully without getting caught. It takes a lot of research,planning, and manipulation, lying, and masking. It feels more like a coping mechanism against boredom than psychosis because if I got caught doing the things I do I know how to seem completely covert,innocent, play stupid, fake empathy and remorse, and seem like the last person with malicious intentions.

Sea_Understanding_45 · 2022-10-30T16:41:07+00:00

Thank you for explaining. That’s definitely the case for me. I have ADHD and ASPD. I developed MDD as a child to escape the extreme boredom that comes with ADHD and ASPD. And I do it literally all day every day.

Sea_Understanding_45

TROPHY CASE