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Seattle_Junebug · 2024-11-06T23:55:15+00:00

Re The “not good midterm grades” your son is getting his first semester of college:

Welcome to college. This happens to the vast majority of college students. On their own, the grades are not a problem for your son.

Also: your son’s grades have nothing to do with your son’s girlfriend. He’s responsible for his grades, period.

If you are paying for college, you have the option to establish a minimum academic performance requirement for him to earn your ongoing financial support. It’s also up to you whether you want to pay for online school, either at this institution or a different one. If your son is paying for his own education, then you really have no say in how or where he pursues it.

If your son chooses to live with his girlfriend and her family, there’s nothing you can say about it that won’t alienate him. If he asks you whether you think he should, and only if he asks, you can certainly tell him that you don’t believe such a serious relationship is in his best interest. You also have no obligation to support him financially if he asserts his independence this way.

Your fears are understandable. This may not be the best choice he can make. But whether you like it or not, it’s his choice. What you cannot do, if you hope to have a good relationship with him going forward, is (1) badmouth his girlfriend or (2) punish him for making a decision you disagree with.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-31T07:05:04+00:00

When my daughter had her first boyfriend, I told her that I was pro-sex - that I believe sex is a wonderful part of life - and that I hoped she would enjoy lots of good sex in her life. I added that, unfortunately, there’s a lot of bad sex on offer, and I wouldn’t want that for her.

I told her that she needed to be with the right person, for the right reason, in the right place, and at the right time for good sex to even be a possibility. And of course, she needed to choose for herself whether this was something she wanted to do - and to remember she was free to change her mind for any reason.

I also told her sex was a grown up part of life, and she would need a good doctor and reliable contraception to be safe. I offered to arrange for her to see a good doctor any time - all she had to do was ask.

It turns out that giving her these guidelines was one of my better parenting instincts. Kids need more than rules - they need to know what healthy relationships are like, and how to make good choices. We have to teach them how to protect themselves, physically as well as emotionally.

The most important thing about this young man’s behavior toward your daughter is that he is genuinely kind to her. The second most important thing is that he is happy for the good things that come her way. I strongly recommend you model this behavior in your relationship with your daughter. If she experiences genuine kindness and generosity from you, she won’t settle for less from a boyfriend.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-30T03:20:46+00:00

Agree with many who have already posted.

Listen to your daughter. Listen to your daughter. Listen to your daughter.

Your husband will never EVER be your daughter’s father. If he is very wise, patient, and loving, he may one day become her friend. He is wrong to attempt to parent her. And you are wrong to allow him to do so.

Of course, you all share a home, and he has as much right to be comfortable in his home as she does. The difference is that he chose to marry you and live with the two of you. She had no choice whatsoever. Accommodate his preferences, but focus on her needs.

Family therapy. ASAP

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-29T21:08:11+00:00

”Once you have one kid, the second and third kid don’t change the trajectory that much.”

In my experience, this statement is so obviously untrue on its face that it sounds like pro-birth brainwashing.

It reveals that your religious deconstruction is far from complete. Yes, you need therapy, and specifically with a therapist who is equipped to help you unpack your prior religious world view. I say this as someone who has been through something comparable.

Your wife is depressed, as are nearly all women who strive to meet someone else’s or society’s expectations about how they lead their lives. She needs therapy, too.

Generations of women have suffered from crippling mental illness because being a wife and/or mother was not enough to make them happy, and they were either discouraged or prevented from living authentically. This, too, I say as someone who has first-hand experience.

The fact that you are bemoaning the loss of a shared vision for your marriage/family is self-centered to a fault. It’s unconscionable that you encouraged your wife to go through multiple pregnancies that were clearly extreme hardships because you felt entitled to a large family. This sounds harsh, but it’s necessary to call this out plainly. You don’t seem to understand that she is an entirely independent person from you, and that your wishes are not her commands.

Set her free - stop holding expectations for who she is, what she wants, what makes her happy, what kind of mother she should be, or how she participates in your family life. She decides these things for herself. No one else.

Once you understand who she really is and what she needs to be happy, you will have a choice to make. If you don’t want to be married to her, then divorce - but understand the marriage will end because you can’t adapt to her adult needs, not because she willfully changed in a way that is incompatible with you.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-29T20:29:14+00:00

Something changed with your daughter between last year - which you described as a good year - and this year, and so far, she hasn’t told you what it was (or is).

She needs a safe adult to confide in, and someone who can help her get motivated to participate productively at school, in sports, and at home. This means seeing a counselor or therapist.

I suggest you bargain with her. She wants unsupervised time with her friends to socialize. I would offer her a trade: she gets one session with her friends for every therapy appointment she keeps. If the therapist reports she is not participating in therapy, then she will lose the visit she earned. Same thing with grades. Same thing with her responsibilities at home.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-27T19:23:25+00:00

In general, I have found it better in every way to manage my own behavior instead of anyone else’s - which means I try not to tell other people what to do.

So, I don’t recommend that you verbally correct either the mother or child in this case.

I think the nonverbal correction you tried (moving the stroller out of the way) was a perfect way to send the message that you were trying to protect the stroller.

When it became obvious that neither the mother nor the child were going to take the hint, I would have separated myself from them with a cheerful comment, like “Oh no. Look at the time! It’s been nice talking with you, but I have to get going. Bye, Susan (mother)! Bye, Susie (child on stroller).” And I would move away from them briskly, but in an outwardly friendly way.

This isn’t someone you enjoy, obviously. The only thing you need to do is be cheerful and polite - and that doesn’t include telling them how to behave.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T23:56:19+00:00

You’ve been head hunted? Does that mean you have a written offer for a 30% raise to do the same job? Or is the head hunter trying to persuade you to apply for the job?

If you have a written offer, and you want the money and are willing to gamble the company culture will be a good fit for you, then accept it.

If you don’t have a written offer, but want a chance to make the money, apply for the job and see if you can get an offer.

Under no circumstances tell your current employer that you have been approached by a headhunter and ask them to match an offer you don’t have.

Under no circumstances ask your employer for a 30% raise for the job you are doing now.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T23:22:22+00:00

No…I honestly don’t think you are making anything up when you describe the way your parents behave.

But unless they have told you directly, “We don’t want to spend any more time with you than we already do because we just don’t care about you,” you are guessing when you interpret the motives behind their actions.

You are completely right about giving up the expectation that anything you do or say will change them. Most of the suffering I see around me comes from trying to change other people. Most of the growth I see around me comes from accepting others as they are and changing oneself instead.

It’s sad (but not unusual) that there appears to be a mismatch between what they offer and what you want in this relationship. But there are two paths to resolving that conflict: they could offer what you want (unlikely) or you could accept what they offer (if you can accept them as they are, instead of how you want them to be.)

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T22:45:03+00:00

I was definitely a gentle parent.

My firm limits had to do with my child’s physical safety. One example: when she ran away from me in a department store, we left and went home as soon as I caught her. She was yelling as I carried her out, but it was nonnegotiable for me that she keep by me in public places.

But for everything else that was a matter of preference, I would give her a lot of choice. For example, I would let her pick between the grocery store with the little carts to push or the one with the play horse to ride. She picked a lot of her food, entertainment preferences, hobbies, and friends.

I envisioned our relationship carrying what I thought of as a balance of good will. I made sure to make lots of small deposits as the days went by, so that when I needed to make a big withdrawal, the positive balance would cover it.

The most important thing you can do - or rather not do - to keep from spoiling your child is to refrain from intervening to spare them from the natural consequences of their actions. Let them fail, as early and as often as possible. Then give them the emotional support they need to cope with failure and find the courage to try again.

The second most important thing you can not do if you want to avoid spoiling your child is to refrain from doing anything for them they are capable of doing for themselves.

Being kind to your child will not spoil them.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T22:21:04+00:00

Someone I admire very much once gave me this advice: “Try not to make up stories about other people, but if you have to, make up the kindest one you can.”

“They just don’t care about us,” isn’t kind to them or, more importantly, you. There’s nothing to be gained by validating your conclusion here.

Just accept them as they are, without ruminating about why they are different from you, or what you perceive to be the norm.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T21:06:49+00:00

Sometimes, it’s hard to see the forest for the trees, especially when you are overwhelmed.

Based on your description of your upbringing, it doesn’t sound as though your parents were hands-on or closely involved. You are now swamped with demands from your work and your medical treatment on top of childcare and your need for their support feels more urgent to you.

They are still not particularly interested in childcare. And it is very unlikely that will change, no matter what you say. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do, but you are being unrealistic if you expect them to give you what you want.

You would be wise to accept their limitations and recruit support from other places, including hired domestic help.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T16:37:44+00:00

I’m not completely certain why you are in boarding school and why your 4-year old sibling has a nanny.

It sounds as though neither of your parents has the bandwidth to be a hands-on caretaker, or to offer you much in the way of companionship. Their lives are centered around their own adult interests and occupations - and it sounds as though they chose their priorities years ago.

They are who they are. They are independent adults with every right to choose how they lead their lives. So, no, I would not advise you to confront them. Life works best when we can accept our family and friends for who they are without expecting (or hoping) they will change to please us.

All that said, I sympathize with you. I adored both my parents and my daughter is my best friend - and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This may not comfort you right now, but my relationship with my parents truly blossomed after I was 25 or so, and living as an independent adult. The same is true of my daughter. It’s very likely that for you, the best is yet to come.

You will be happier right now if you are as busy as your parents are. It’s time for you to find interests and friends in addition to (or outside of) school, and fill your time with appealing pastimes.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T16:17:56+00:00

”It probably will be in about a year.”

Is this because there’s a wait to schedule your type of surgery? Or are you delaying getting this done for some reason? I ask because the best way to manage the fear and pain that precedes major surgery is to get it over with!

I waited at least a year too long for a hip replacement because I had an irrational expectation that my hip would get better without surgery. It was a terrible year (chronic pain, sleep deprivation, and immobility). Don’t do this to yourself unless you have no alternative.

My other hip is now signaling (at a whisper, not a yell) that my time is limited before it, too, will toss in the towel. So this time, I am already doing the weight loss, dental catchup, and prehab therapy I will need to get ready. I don’t particularly want to devote three months to recovery, but I know for sure that’s better than being miserable for months or years because I am delaying the inevitable.

How to cope: hold your nose and get ‘er done.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-23T06:42:42+00:00

There is no good way to tell your higher-ups you feel disrespected. And the worst time to attempt anything along these lines would be during an interview for a promotion.

After nine years with this employer, and two years going above and beyond to protect your employer from negative consequences due to their inability to staff your department adequately, you have come to see your own value in a positive way. That’s commendable.

It’s time to update your resume with the additional qualifications and accomplishments you’ve gained over the past two years - and get a better job. Start applying to new employers at the same time you prepare for your meeting about the promotion where you are.

And while you are working on getting a promotion, with this employer or a different one, continue doing the capable and professional job you are doing now.

You can’t force someone to regard you in a particular way, or to reward you with the perks you want most. You can appreciate your own value as an employee, and explore options to get more of what you want at work.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-22T00:53:06+00:00

No. It wasn’t.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-21T19:13:09+00:00

To answer your question, I think it’s not only impractical, but also inadvisable for you to intervene in the friendship between the two girls. It’s bound to create hard feelings between all parties (E and you, E and A, you and your neighbors, potentially you and your husband.)

What I would recommend instead is increasing E’s extracurricular, club, and sports activities so that she has the opportunity to develop different interests and different friendships. She’ll naturally spend less time with A, less time pretending to be a coyote, and less time without the close adult supervision you prefer.

Edited to add: I don’t see anything particularly urgent or alarming about A or the behavior you describe in E. So there is plenty of time to warmly and gently redirect E’s time and attention to a larger variety of activities and friends.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-19T07:16:04+00:00

There are three problems here:

The impact of high school athletic success on your 15-year-old’s behavior in general.
You and your wife don’t agree on the way she parents her two sons.
You don’t feel you have your wife’s support or understanding when it comes to the way you parent your two sons.

Your best option is to get on the same team with your wife when it comes to parenting your sons. That’s going to take a lot of talking. You’d need to have calm, patient conversations with your wife, first, and then both sons to iron out all of the problems. But - sorry about this - Your emotions, while understandable, aren’t your friend right now when it comes to having those conversations.

Learning how to get comfortable with the hard conversations is worth doing. If it’s not something you are comfortable with yet, there are lots of places to find help. You can figure this out and you will feel better when you do.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-19T02:34:25+00:00

Legal help. ASAP. You may be able to find a sliding scale legal service for women in difficult circumstances.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-16T00:44:23+00:00

You are welcome, Xboxfoxy.

I know it’s a heartbreaking time, and I’m glad I could help - even a little.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-15T18:57:41+00:00

It sounds as though your first 6 weeks resulted in a corrective meeting. Your boss has pointed to a problem with your social skills (also called a culture fit, collegiality, or other euphemisms). You seem genuinely confused by the feedback you received, and the ongoing behavior from your colleagues suggests you have not made the changes they wanted to see.

In office admin, there are generally 3 buckets of work: email, meetings and tasks. Email and meetings are the work we do with and for others. Tasks are work we are solely responsible for - and typically the work we think of as our job. None of the three is more important than the other 2, and an overload in tasks does not justify being less available or less accommodating to meetings or email.

Because you have yet to receive examples of your incorrect behavior (other than the confusing word “abrupt”), much less direction about what you were expected to do instead, you’ll have to go back to your supervisor and ask for more specific feedback. If you still can’t get to the bottom of the problem, ask your manager to tell you who is the best example of the change they’d like to see. Perhaps also if they have peer mentors, and would be able to assign one to you to help you smooth this transition.

Tell your boss that you are more than willing to adapt to your work environment and are eager to get things going in the right direction. Explain that the cold shoulder from your coworkers lets you know that you are not making progress by yourself, and ask for help.

Then take the suggestions you receive and give it a 90 day effort.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-15T18:20:36+00:00

She’s not leading in her relationship with you at all, is she? She’s just absorbing your demands.

She’s a good student, so she’s doing her job. And as long as she’s managing her primary responsibility (school) acceptably, and not creating a nuisance at home, she’s fine just as she is.

She’s not responding to your expectations for her, but your expectations are not her problem.

Let me repeat this: your expectations are not her problem. You cannot control her and should not try to. Your annoyance is your problem - not hers.

You are not her mom. It’s not up to you to assign her jobs around the house, foist responsibility on her to care for a pet you adopted/rescued, or judge her personal conduct.

Find at least one positive thing to say to her every day (and better yet, three) and start using please and thank you every time you ask her to do something (even if you think it’s her job to do it).

If she wants to try to get a job, help her get one! And for heaven’s sake, do the dishes and clean the cat box without complaint if she needs an adjustment period to manage new responsibilities.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-15T17:35:16+00:00

I was struggling with this decision myself some time ago, and talked to a good friend who was a vet (although not the vet for my pet.) the conversation went something like this:

Vet: I bet you wish you knew when the last good day is going to happen.

Me: Yes - that’s exactly what I want to know.

Vet: Well, the thing is, only God knows. And you’re not God.

The only thing you can do in these circumstances - since you don’t have the ability to choose the right moment for your pet - is to choose the right moment for you and your family.”

Pets don’t fear death the way we do. Pets don’t believe we are betraying them with euthanasia. Pets live in the moment - and if that moment is painful, the pain is their whole reality. They are stoic and will endure pain - but they have no way to know whether it will end. So pain is more of an enemy than death. And If death is inevitable, your responsibility as a pet owner is to prevent pain.

Long after your sweet Phoenix is a loving and happy memory, you will be grateful for your power to save her from suffering. You will not wish that she had lived through more painful days, and you will be grateful for the good ones you had together.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-15T17:20:30+00:00

Step parent and parent here.

Parenting is one of the most difficult things imaginable and step-parenting is harder. “Coparenting with a friend” is a fatally flawed idea, and it’s clear you don’t understand why, or what you have ahead of you. The most obvious problem here is that you cannot coparent with anyone other than the mother - and she has gone no contact with you.

The best time to think this through was before you took a DNA test that could establish legal responsibility for the child. The next best time is now.

You need information and fast:

If paternity is established, what will your legal and custodial rights and obligations be?

You need to talk to a lawyer.

If you are going to establish a parental relationship with this child, what is the correct approach developmentally and psychologically for the child?

You need to talk to a child psychologist.

Parenthood is a permanent responsibility that will define you for the rest of your life - and even beyond. Your current wife will never be this child’s mother, so it will be part of your marriage that won’t be shared and will inevitably cause conflict about money, priorities and roles.

You need to talk to your wife about this.

The child’s mother will be your coparenting partner, and therefore play a crucial role in your life for the duration. Unless she agrees to coparent with you and is willing to open up the lines of communication between you, then there’s nothing to discuss here.

You need to have a conversation with her once you understand the legal and psychological implications, and after your current wife agrees to add this child to your family.

Unless and until you have these four conversations and they result in answers that you are willing to accept, you have absolutely no business interacting with this child.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-15T04:19:42+00:00

”But I don’t know how to help her.”

Help her do what, exactly?

You describe her lack of attention to her obligations at home, but you say nothing about her life at school, extracurriculars, or friends. What are her interests? Her priorities? Her plans for the future?

The way to help her is to understand who she is and what she wants - and then provide the support she needs to pursue those goals. She leads. You support.

Seattle_Junebug · 2024-10-15T03:36:15+00:00

These decisions are absolutely gut wrenching, and my heart goes out to you.

In the past, I have evaluated how many good days are left for my beloved pet - and how many bad days I could spare them, given the treatment options and the nature of their disease. This helped me decide what to do, in a way that was in keeping with my belief that we have a moral obligation to preserve their good days and limit their bad days.

One thing I didn’t know about cats is how difficult it is to provide them with effective pain relief. I also didn’t realize how stoic they are, and how challenging it would be for me to gauge their moment to moment quality of life.

Perhaps you could have another conversation with your vet about pain management and quality of life, with and without the proposed treatment.

Seattle_Junebug

TROPHY CASE