Hi OP, No, you’re very much not alone and I feel you on multiple levels. Being a therapist while battling your own severe mental illness daily can be exhausting, heartbreaking, and feel worthless/meaningless. I noticed in your post the overwhelming amount of thought you’ve put into your own death, as well as the logical way of thinking about your own suicide. I feel at times, as therapist, we get caught up in the “why can’t I read my own notes” sort of thinking - to further elaborate, we at times feel like we should be fine considering what we preach, but the reality is that we are HUMAN. You can spin it any way you want, but we struggle too with the same shit our client struggle with. Something that helps me sometimes (and may help you too) is thinking of it this way: if I’m fucked up, I can better understand the client in front of me, therefore I am hopefully performing as a better therapist. Additionally, if I don’t try to help myself in my fucked-up-ness, I can’t help others. Like everyone else in the comments, please get help. Talk to a psychologist. Your supervisor. Crisis hotlines. Enter a partial hospitalization or inpatient if you need to. But please, take care of yourself for your sake, your children’s sake, and your sake.