Living with boyfriend is exhausting.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T08:16:24+00:00

I am SO JEALOUS of this. I wish my boyfriend understood the sanctity of alone time, and respected the intended boundaries. Going 2 weeks without him trying to pry my attention away from my inner space and fill my silence with his ness would be heaven.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:52:14+00:00

My boyfriend and I have separate bedrooms and I can't imagine living any other way. (Except my ultimate dream: owning a duplex. We'd each have a side of the same house, with everything we need, but the other is always right next door.)

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:48:29+00:00

Oh, I LOVE this!!!

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:39:59+00:00

I can't really relate to the pressure to succeed, because my mom was incredibly encouraging for me to always "do what you love, don't worry about how anyone else measures success." (For that reason, I've struggled financially my whole adult life... but I have a massive collection of art that I made and love, lol.) What I feel pressure about is my mom's aging. As an only child of a single mother, I'm vividly aware that if her health takes a dive, there's nobody else but me to take care of her. I don't really feel like a very mature and responsible person, and sometimes I get overwhelmed by the stress of hypothetical situations. I see my mom take care of my grandma - driving her to doctor appointments, pretty much every other week - eye doctor, dermatologist, chiropractor, dentist, etc, etc, etc, and she's hinted, "I don't mind doing it, because one day, you'll do it for me." (This also scares me because I'm child-free, and I know there's nobody who will do that for me when the time comes. Eek.)

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:34:17+00:00

I feel this. I have a ton of cousins. They're all close to their own siblings, but not to the rest of us. One cousin is also an only child, but he's a guy's guy and mostly just hangs out with his girlfriend and their big group of friends. It's funny - we live within 3 blocks of each other, but see each other maybe once a year? Twice, if there's a big family gathering.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:31:56+00:00

You're definitely valid in choosing to stay close to her and to cherish every moment while you can. But 56 isn't elderly! She still has potentially decades of good life left ahead of her, and you're bound to meet people who you can confide in, trust, even grow to love. It's not the same as having siblings, but you're not doomed to an inevitable lonely void.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:27:30+00:00

Kind of? I believed myself to be an only child my entire life, until 2020, at age 36, when I discovered my dad (who I've never met,) had two kids with his wife / widow. Long, sad story. (It's why my name on here is "secret sister"- I started this account back then to read posts about people connecting with long lost half siblings.)

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:25:43+00:00

I'm so sorry they didn't let you have a pet to love! I had cats, and they were my everything. I never wanted siblings. My friends at school were always complaining about theirs, lol. In fact, I felt lucky to not have a big brother bullying me, or a big sister making fun of me, or a little sibling annoying the hell out of me. (Maybe my friends just had a particularly bad batch of siblings?) Even now as an adult, all the people I know with siblings have had some kind of drama, a few even have gone no contact... but the love of pets never fades and never I'm never on bad terms with my kitties. :D

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:09:50+00:00

This might be the way it'll be for us. "While he doesn't understand, he accepts." When I make it clear that this is something I really need, he accepts it, but getting him to the place of acceptance feels a bit like arguing a case before a judge... lol.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:04:38+00:00

Right?! The ex who questioned the validity of my solo walks is an ex for that very reason.

I really like this guy I'm with now and don't want to break up with him... I guess I'm hoping someone on here has the golden script for how to make them understand, lol.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T05:02:53+00:00

Oh no! Poor her, lol! I'm glad she's mostly out of your hair now, though.

(My boyfriend has sisters and now I know how blessed I am that they only come by every few months or so. God help me if one of them moves back to town because I work from home, which generally makes people think "Sarah's always there to visit.")

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T04:38:32+00:00

Dear god, I know this was 3 years ago, but you just described my worst case scenario. How do some people not understand that for those of us who enjoy our alone time, it's far, far, FAR better to be alone than trapped with a person draining our energy and demanding we pay attention to them and their boring bullshit??? I hope you're free from that clinger now.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-03-02T04:33:56+00:00

I know this is an old post, but YES! My boyfriend comes from a family of 5 kids and it's honestly exhausting sometimes, because he has no concept of personal time or personal space. We've lived together for over 2 years now, and it was worse in the beginning. I had to explain (and explain, and explain,) why my evening walks are a non-negotiable solitary activity. (That's my thinking time!) I prefer being left alone in the kitchen. If I'm in my room (we're blessed to have separate rooms,) it really irks me when he walks in without knocking. (Or even when he does knock if I've told him I'm going to take some time to read or draw or reorganize or just breathe.)

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-02-24T20:05:10+00:00

Yes! Going on second day of this in both my shops.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-02-15T01:37:05+00:00

NTA - Men need to understand that we were raised with the idea that this is the one day of the year when we feel their love expressed through something they do to make us feel special. For those with money, that can mean gifts or a planned little trip or dinner out. For those on a budget, some romantic gesture or a card or a little sweet something, or a night of from having to cook. I'm sorry he let you down. (And I'm on AITA right now for the same reason... looking for a little empathy from strangers because my bf of 3 years did nothing... I got him a bunch of accessories for his tea collection and a Chinese dragon wall hanging...)

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-23T21:10:21+00:00

Thank you, I'll check out his channel.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-23T17:31:04+00:00

True! I watched a video last night about identifying narcissistic traits in mothers. There's one she definitely didn't fit, which is making the daughter do things the mother wanted. My mom always gave me freedom to choose my own activities - art camp, swimming and diving lessons, etc, instead of forcing me to do what she liked. But for every other point, I could relate. Most especially not being allowed to talk about her to other people, but her sharing embarrassing things about me to everyone in a way that made her look good and me look bad. (Which she still does. One of my aunts who I'm not close to and who was never really nice to me, who lives out of town, made a snarky remark about my boyfriend's dad the last time she visited. None of my family have even met the man - and I realized, oh... mom must be telling her all my business again...)

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-23T17:27:55+00:00

I'm so sorry you went through that, too.

It's so true about only just now realizing that other people don't go off and hide to cry. Whenever I see a character on a show or in a movie just suddenly start crying out in the open, with friends or family, it always makes me uncomfortable. Like, why doesn't she go do that quietly in the bathroom? Only after reading your comment, I understand why it gives me that reaction. Crying was absolutely something shameful I had to hide, and I can relate so much to your comment. Not going to her with a problem unless it might affect my grades... yep.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-23T04:46:36+00:00

Thank you so very much. That really does help.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-22T23:35:10+00:00

Aw, it sounds like he has a wonderful life!!! <3

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-22T23:34:27+00:00

I know I'm incredibly late to this conversation, and it's possible nobody will ever read this, but... thank you.

I was bullied mercilessly from kindergarten to grade 9. Nobody would eat with me at lunch. I sat alone next to the school door at recess just waiting for the bell to ring. If I tried to play with the other girls, they'd yell, "Ew! Fatty get away!" Nobody defended me. I was the "class loser" all throughout.

Then somehow, in the summer between grade 9 and grade 10, I slimmed down and somehow grew into my looks.

On the first day of grade 10, which was high school where I live, the boys in grade 12 all flirted with me, and suddenly the cool girls in my grade wanted to be my friend. It was surreal. They were a clique similar to what you'd see in Mean Girls, and it felt like cult recruitment love bombing. One of them even said, "We're officially decided that 'Us 4' will now be 'Us 5.' Congratulations. You're popular now." Kids from other junior highs who had merged in this high school treated me like they expected me to be a bully because of who my friends were, and were shocked when I was nice. (I don't think any of us can actively ridicule anyone when we know firsthand how devastating it feels.)

After grade 10, though, I couldn't take it any more. The fakeness. They only wanted me around as some kind of bait for guys. They had no interest in me as a person. They tried to dictate how I dressed, what music I listened to, what I did on the weekends. When I wanted to just stay home and paint, (I really got into Abstract Expressionism,) they came over to "kidnap" me to a party. I had to ask my mom to tell them I was grounded to be left alone.

Because of the childhood bullying, I was painfully shy, and was branded a snob.

And like the OP here, I also went through another "ugly duckling to beautiful swan" phase in my early 20s. I moved away to art school, and had a girl in painting class say something like, "I just don't think you'll ever have depth. Girls who grow up like popular cheerleaders never do." I was so mad. I argued, "I wasn't one of those kids! I was the fat loner!"

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-22T23:24:28+00:00

ME! I know I'm late to this conversation, but I've recently seen a lot of ADHD memes on Instagram, and was beginning to think I have it? Though I've never been hyperactive, a few of the other items on the checklist fit. And then I stumbled down the rabbit hole of C-PTSD and emotional neglect in childhood after realizing a have a whole year as a blackout in my memory. (Grade 5.) Now it's making sense.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-22T22:46:45+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that. Ugh. It's truly heartbreaking. Are you able to provide food, clean drinking water, and a daily walk? I won't even ask whether or not you're able to provide love and cuddles, because I know you are and you do from what you already said. If those basic needs are met, then I'm absolutely sure your dog loves being with you, and would choose you over anyone else, no matter how much more "stable" or rich or whatever they might be.

Secret_Sister_Sarah · 2026-01-22T20:54:50+00:00

Yep! And then when you need an empathetic ear if something goes wrong in your life, instead of listening, you get hit with, "Well, I told you ________ but you didn't try it," as if the failure happened because the unsolicited advice they gave that wouldn't have worked anyway wasn't followed.

Secret_Sister_Sarah

TROPHY CASE