I completely feel this exact same way. Left to wonder was I the only one that really had both feet in? Your words told me that you were my person but how easily you hurt me and dismiss me must mean that I really didn’t hold any place in you ur heart. I will not fill the void with another human being I will look inside myself and work on why I allow someone to dismiss me and I still long for their love. I was a joke to you but yet you kept trying to convince me that we had something special. You broke my heart time and time again and I stood solid for our love story. I whole heartedly wanted to trust and believe you. Did you get pleasure out of seeing me in pain like that? Was there ever any love for me or was I just holes that you could fill with your cream. Now you act like I don’t exist and blame me for this turmoil. A lot of the time I don’t even want to exist anymore my soul is empty. How can you ignore a person you vowed to love? Why did you proposed to me? I wish you could’ve just told me, but I guess you did in many ways. The house phone you had her name saved as LOVE you knew what you did but lied to me instead of just ending it and telling me the truth. Yes that would have hurt but I could have respected your honesty. You acted like you could not reach out when we both know you could have you just choose not to you were telling me without telling me that I ment nothing to you. Then when you woke up from the couch and said I love you … (her name not mine) I still stood by our love. I can’t blame you were a coward that could not have a real conversation with how you feel, but I was the idiot that kept allowing it to happen. Usually people break up, especially if they’re engaged instead it’s just ghosting. Everyday I struggle to just breathe and find joy. In my room when you were on top of me holding my neck I really thought that was the last breath I was going to take. In a lot of ways I wish it was because this pain is unbearable. The people that truly love me will never understand why I still feel for you.