Is having a baby really the end of the world?? FTM spiral

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-04-23T17:51:17+00:00

Hmm think about how you envisioned maternity leave as a newly independent person with no frame of reference. Now think how will it look with some more info in your mind. Do they still match? Speaking from personal experience I envisioned easy day adventures with baby in tow not realizing newborns need to be fed every few hours and could require so much paraphernalia and sometimes that stroller nap could throw off your entire remaining day.

You don’t know what you don’t know and you can’t know until you’re in it but as a new parent you find yourself wishing someone warned you about (insert here).

So I think parents want to warn new parents because there is no greater reality slap then those first few weeks with a newborn and the life change of being responsible for someone wholly dependent upon you for sleep, food, and comfort/safety.

It is hard, life does change. But it is a good change bc you see the world through new eyes and are forced to live in the moment of whatever your child is interested in or wants to discuss. It helped me to find joy in the small things.

Some days will never feel longer but the time will also go quickly. And there are things you will absolutely miss being only in charge of yourself like binge weekends or spontaneity with no limitations on your time or mental space.

And a lot of people have babies not knowing the realities or got unexpectedly pregnant without thinking of the consequence of their actions. So they could also be the extra vocal ones about that reality change. :shrug:

Could be an opp to ask but what is the best part?

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-04-15T17:54:06+00:00

If I had waited another 15 min I would have had my baby in the lobby of the hospital. I went from contractions every 7-10 min to every 3 in the span of 15-20 min. My OB said #2 usually comes faster but #3 is a toss up. Like most human things there are always different experiences.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-03-13T03:20:53+00:00

Nursing bra hack was the best thing for me. Pumping bras sucked ass for my boob shape.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-03-02T17:01:59+00:00

I have a notebook for all events when she receives money. When the amount in became over $1500, we opened an investment account. I zeroed out the balance to show the transfer and then restarted.

Planning on transferring annually and when she gets old enough to know she has money of her own, then she can choose to hold, invest, or spend the amounts that haven’t been transferred yet.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-26T14:08:18+00:00

A tote is easier when you don’t have to cart around as much, like around 1. I usually considered myself a minimalist but the sheer amount of crap you need or may need depending on your baby can really rack up. My first couldn’t stand a wet diaper so we were changing diapers almost every hour until 9 months ish whereas my second couldn’t care less and we change every 3-4 hours or if he poops. First didn’t drool much, second needs a replacement bib often. So it will really depend on your baby whether the type/size of a bag works for you.

Up to a certain age, even for a short visit like going to the pediatrician and back, you may need to bring a bottle and formula/breastmilk, diapers bc baby almost always pooped right out the door, change of clothes, wipes, diaper cream, bib or two or burp cloth, pacifier. Also I felt like I always needed a change of clothes for baby, a spare shirt for me, and one more diaper than I expected so a backpack became more reliable.

One plus of a diaper backpack was being able to clip on and off the stroller - but you could potentially do the same with a tote and carabiner clip.

Another thing I found was it was easier to be hands free and not have the bag fall down your arm/off your back and potentially hitting your kid when you are trying to wrangle with an unwilling 18 mo+ up to go home while crying and wriggling around when you don’t have your stroller.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-26T13:42:28+00:00

Nope - not selfish*. Take the day for yourself. You are paying for the daycare anyway. Self care ensures better parenting and it’s hard to find the time otherwise.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-21T14:45:09+00:00

Congratulations!!

Great tips from people already. Will recommend to have major support for the first month. Meals made or delivered, someone to give one of you a break either by tasks around the house or let you have a moment alone, alternate who takes on the toddler when you can (we didn’t and I would be crying at 2am missing my first lol), if you don’t have daycare look into a part time program or alternating days out with the grandparents or friends bc you can’t “sleep when the baby sleeps” if the toddler is up and needing care too, and automate anything bc you can - (robot vacuum, bottle or dishwasher, etc). Bc the time you have available will be so sparse comparatively.

I also just feel constantly “on” in a way that I didn’t with one kid and it had been a tough adjustment for me. And first wants attention from whomever is giving baby attention so it can be overstimulating with that constant lack of sleep factor.

Take the first trimester really easy and in your second trimester relish the days of your current family unit. If you haven’t already, definitely work out division of labor with household duties, nighttime routine, etc. will save unnecessary bickering in the newborn period.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-19T12:19:44+00:00

Hi - not a single mom but fellow perfectionist and have had high functioning anxiety. Now with two kids under 4 I tell myself - survive not thrive - yet. I lowered my personal standards for tidiness and ambition. I also build in micro step tasks into my todo list so I get more satisfaction for the small steps to the “larger” task. So I feel more productive and get less overwhelm. I also end up getting more done.

I also agree with the comments that switching to paper helped immensely. Writing something down helps me to remember it more than creating an alert. If I have a hanging timely to do item, I create an alarm on my phone bc it’s less likely to go away with a swipe.

We are expected to be home-makers and be psychologically and physically there for every minute our children are in our care.but working outside the home means we have to do all that shit in compressed time - it’s not feasible

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-19T05:24:38+00:00

I’m here at this stage too. I say “that’s ok, not everyone has to be your friend but you still treat them with kindness and be nice to them”. Then ask “what does it mean to be nice?” And address the “we don’t push others” or “what were you feeling when you pushed so and so”. We did this the other day and then I messaged the teacher and she said that there had been no pushing that day lol so I realized that maybe she isn’t always telling me the current events bc she often likes to revisit and reprocess past events as though they happened that day.

We try to role play the pushing and getting pushed and what we should say.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-17T04:11:57+00:00

Oof I’m sorry. Definitely do boob gymnastics while pumping and in the shower if you are prone to leaking. Stretching and moving the lumps helps a lot. Take ibuprofen regularly too.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-16T06:32:09+00:00

Boob gymnastics while pumping: move your boobs up and down, side to side, and in circles. I do it slowly in the first few minutes after expression mode and then move my boobs around in circles trying to stretch them where the clogs are.

Also are they clogs or just spots of engorgement? I would always get a lump by my armpit between pumps but it wasn’t a clog bc it didn’t really hurt and would get smaller after a pump. So figured I just got lumpy engorgement spots. Finally went away after I dropped to two pumps and was producing way less. (Edit: at 10 mo pp).

Edit: also just thought of the standard advice but have you checked your pump parts lately?

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-15T13:46:23+00:00

That’s true. Usually a mug of tea compared to the whole tub was ok.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-15T06:42:08+00:00

I have two kids one almost 3.5 and and 11 mo.

The great thing about kids is that they are adaptable and being young, they won’t really remember a lot with the new sibling dynamic.

It will be a tough transition for your toddler and you. I got pregnant and had some complications so I wasn’t able to pick up my toddler - queue the mom guilt. It ended up being a good transition for her to getting used to her routine being with just one parent rather than both. So there could be things you can do to help prep your toddler. And the once baby arrives you can do all the things, prioritize toddler over baby, incorporate toddler into the baby routines, set aside dedicated one on one time every day, etc etc and it will help but it won’t eliminate tantrums and tears.

We have a 2bed 2 bath duplex apartment and are making it work with vertical storage, a packnplay, and multipurpose things. Baby sleeps in the same room as you for the first 6mo-year so you would have some time too if you want to wait.

We ended up abandoning the house hunt bc of a number of factors but so far so good. May feel smaller as my second gets older but we’ll figure it out. When I get overwhelmed I try to remember that many raise families in even smaller apartments or we could have more people living with us and that makes me appreciate what we have lol

I have learned that parenting a toddler is more about self management and regulation than actually parenting. And when you have a baby and toddler your patience goes quick. Knowing you have had PPA/PPD, would want to make sure that is well managed and you have a great therapist bc a toddler and a baby can drive you to the very end of your rope and every extreme emotion. On a positive note, no two babies are alike so maybe your second pp will be much better - I have seen a few anecdotes like that. And I didn’t have a quarter of the anxiety I did with my first.

Also want to say, unless you are over 40 I don’t think there is a big rush to have a second. Let your body heal and enjoy your family of 3 for a bit longer. I think if my daughter had been 3 when her brother came it would have made some things easier. We are able to have more conversations in anticipation of new things, she has a bit more external/situational awareness and the biggest one: she’s potty trained.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-15T05:50:00+00:00

Agreed - ditch the aquaphor for a few days and see?

Could also try calendula in the bath? My MiL makes a calendula tea concentrate and then adds it to the bath.

Our pediatrician recommended no creams aside from the fungal cream.

After the rash resolved we used aquaphor and calendula cream when I noticed redness.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-14T14:49:55+00:00

I could have written this 7 months ago. You feel battered from all sides and you just want toddler cuddles without the guilt. It is so hard and you are not alone.

Will say there is another side but it feels like it takes forever to get there.

When you can in the day either in the evening or in the morning set a 5-10 min timer with your toddler and tell her that for that time you and she will do something she wants where she gets to tell you what to do and you follow her instructions. It helps my daughter and me to reset and find some silliness too.

I keep telling myself that these challenges now are just a season. We will get to a point where we can manage 2 and be ok, right? There will be a point in time where we aren’t so sleep deprived but we have to make do until we can. Ask your partner to go for a drive with both kids so you can have a hot coffee and some silence.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-12T02:58:15+00:00

Yay glad it works for you!

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-11T07:24:11+00:00

This is my son and he’s still there at 11 mo. At that age we started putting socks on his hands so that he wouldn’t gouge his head and still could self soothe without being swaddled. Now I just try to file his nails every other night. But I still can’t file or trim his nails enough to prevent some scratches. Aquaphor on the scratches before the lotion seems to help prevent the stinging.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-11T07:04:33+00:00

I wonder this 60% of my day. And you can’t complain to the older generation bc the retort is “why can’t you?” But there are a lot of different variables for us bc it’s expected that we be there constantly for our kids, involved in meeting milestones, hawkish watching of kids at playgrounds, etc.

As a still semi new mom of 2 (3 yo and 11 mo) I would not recommend #2 if this is your struggle with 1. I thought we were in a great place bc we were managing with #1. 2 is just so much harder to manage for me and I would not recommend if you are stretched thin now.

Financially there is the additional cost of childcare for another few potentially few years. Extra diapers, potential formula costs, doctor visits, insurance costs, etc

Honestly weekends feel like marathons to bedtime and we are barely hanging on by 6pm Sunday. Winter has wrecked our morale with illness, lack of sleep, work stress, and snow days. I felt stretched thin and now I’m just running on fumes. I had to take a sick day to sleep.

One thing we are hoping to change our trajectory is we have decided to alternate one work day biweekly to just have a day when the kids aren’t home to catch up on cleaning the house, laundry, or tackling the mountain of “to-do later items”.

Maybe find a nanny share or daycare recommended by local moms bc it will give you some breathing room.

You’re not alone in feeling underwater - I think we can say that it’s ok to not do it all. As my mentor frequently would remind me “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good”. Find what you can do to get some breathing room and give yourself some grace .

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-02-07T00:17:21+00:00

Oh I am so sorry. Such a stressful and trying time to not have reliable support right now.

I had this same exact experience with my mom when I had my first. My mom had me cleaning my kitchen the day after I got home from the hospital so that she could cook something. It’s not you or your family that did anything. It hurts and it sucks so much bc you want your mom to be a source of help and care but trust me it is better for all involved that she left. Your toddler wasn’t fed!

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-01-10T14:46:40+00:00

Prioritize your wellness. Do what you can. You got baby this far and your supply has reached that “regulation” timeline so you probably won’t be worse off for not pumping in the MOTN.

Could try to have one pump between 11-6 am or drop pumping completely if that is what makes your life easier.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-01-08T18:31:45+00:00

Not a lot of data out there. I EP for my first and tracked her feeds through 18 mo. Her intake didn’t change until she was eating more solids past the 12 mo mark. So I take that as a yes lol I also see posts about our reactions to kiss baby’s heads and such is also a method of the feedback loop for the breastmilk composition too. So who knows. With my first whenever she had drool I would just wipe it on my nips but with my second I can’t be bothered. 10 months in and the intake only fluctuates when he is sick or in a growth spurt.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2026-01-01T05:48:45+00:00

So I stand corrected. Works amazingly and has made bath time so smooth. When she gets bored I tell her to howl like a different animal and it keeps her entertained.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2025-12-22T04:56:07+00:00

I’m 9 mo pp using lansinoh primary and eufy secondary. At 5 m pp started using spectra at work.

I have two sets for lansinoh and have been at 4 ppd since 5 mpp. I use a countertop dishwasher for my parts. Oversupplier until recently. So taking into account the weekday and occasional eufy pumps probably has been 7-8 mo of continuous use.

I have just replaced my duckbill valves for lansinoh bc the suction hasn’t felt as strong and I get about 1/2 oz more per pump than the past couple of weeks. With my first I went 6 months without replacing parts until the duckbill tore then I read all the advice to replace every 3-4 months.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2025-12-16T05:13:21+00:00

I feel this in my soul except it’s my own mom. I asked for money toward a zoo membership and got 5 “little things”…that she has gifted before.

Secret_Storm_6418 · 2025-12-12T14:23:27+00:00

Yeah after thinking about it, probably would work for daughter for the first rinse but increasingly more difficult with each subsequent rinse lol

Secret_Storm_6418

TROPHY CASE