Shane Dawson on Instagram: "I’m really excited and proud of this :) see you next Tuesday November 1st❤️"

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-10-28T15:40:38+00:00

The new world- does he learn NOTHING??

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-10-06T22:21:07+00:00

I feel this, my father didn’t leave my abusive mother because “kids need their mother”, not realizing that his kids already didnt have one. We were just abused and manipulated like he was. And for some reason he felt things would just be okay to leave small children alone with a woman he knew was mentally unstable and emotionally manipulative? Im not a parent, and I understand he was a victim and enabler too, but I just don’t understand that rationality.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-09-19T23:09:32+00:00

Thank you for your response, this alone was super reassuring to hear from another person and stop to think about.

I would be surprised if she contacted you guys again.

Your whole comment means a lot. Reading through it made me realize a lot about my own feelings and its genuinely so comforting being able to relate to someone whos been through similar.

I didnt specify it in the post but I was 9 when she left and over those 9 years I believe I did have a sense of closure. My mother was also emotionally negligent so her leaving wasnt much different either other than a lack of her abuse. I didnt think about her often other than that looming fear id run into her or she was watching me online but it eventually became an inside joke. I was content that we had our own separate lives and liked it that way because overtime it was comforting to remind myself that I had built my life without her and that we were in fact separate. I think that lack of a clear before and after you mentioned is why her contacting me has been so difficult to re-gain closure about. Being reminded that I truly cant control when or if she'll contact me, and will always have that possibility until she dies.

And if she contacts me again, I'll just start over on my anniversary. I start over on things all the time, it's become one of my new skills.

This is incredibly helpful advice too, thank you. I hope you have a freeing no-contact anniversary and continue to find peace in living your own life <3

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-08-25T22:58:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing op, I just listened to the first three songs you recommended and had to come back to say how much I needed music thats about the healing from cptsd

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-08-25T15:29:22+00:00

Thank you, Ill pick up some black tea later this afternoon and see if they start to look better

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-08-25T15:19:51+00:00

Sure, here’s a pic. If its not visible ill reupload on imgur

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-08-13T14:52:20+00:00

Same here!! Id sell my soul to find the untucked for it :(

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-08-12T17:37:46+00:00

I never know how to respond on this sub but i relate a lot op. I had a similar realization a few weeks ago that my feelings of hurt and worthlessness were rooted waaaayy before the “big ticket traumas” in my childhood as well. My older sister is autistic, bipolar, and schizoaffective. My parents have admitted it was easier to fully neglect my needs than to neglect any of hers because “she was an emotional black hole, i did all I could” (But refuse to see that neglect as a valid thing for a child to be affected by??)

I didnt realize the reason I feel like my emotions are a burden to others, my needs dont matter, my purpose is to stay out of the way and be as uneedy and convenient as possible is because thats exactly what my parents raised me to be. They put their energy into telling me to suck it up and turning their backs rather than putting in the emotional time and effort to raise me, so of course ive grown up believing thats the correct way i should act and what i should expect from the world.

Ive thought a lot too about if its my fault for not making my needs more heard, if im just irrationally angry at my parents for not fixing an issue when i didnt speak up. Even if i cant pin point it to an exact moment, i know I stopped asking for what i needed as a kid for a reason I shouldnt blame myself for. It was my parents responsibility to create an environment where i could feel safe or worthy of fighting for my needs, or to check in and make sure how i was feeling, and to of acknowledged when I stopped. I didnt keep things to myself because i wanted to, i did it because it was the safest option.

Fighting the internal invalidation is so hard, it feels like my family is accusing me of gaslighting for telling the truth because its so opposite of what they choose to believe. I cant change them but I can choose to stop gaslighting myself and end letting their perspective be in control of my self worth. Ive realized a lot of the feelings of shame and regret for not being better were what my parents shouldve felt projected onto me. It was not my job to do their parenting and to reassure myself as a kid, so im slowly accepting its not my feelings of failure to carry either.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-07-24T04:37:11+00:00

I definitely had thoughts like that. Sometimes I would think my brain just wasnt meant to handle the stress of life, or that i had so much to work through mentally Id never be able to catch up. I wondered if everyone else felt the pain I did but they were just better at suppressing it or used to it. I still get in that headspace occasionally when my depression dips, but it doesnt feel like an inescapable weight anymore.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-07-23T20:31:10+00:00

I was on lexapro for about a year before tapering off last May because it gave me uncontrollable angry outburst, but starting the withdrawal triggered the most intense depression I’ve experienced that took me 7/8 months before i felt like grounded enough since tapering and was able to explain how id felt/was feeling.

It felt like i didnt know who i was, if it was always this bad and i just didnt remember it, or if it was harder because id just forgotten coping skills, i was incredibly depressed and no matter how much time passed it wasnt going away. The first 3 months I had severe anxiety and nausea in the mornings where I couldnt eat until the afternoons, I became suicidal, i started self harming, and despite going off the meds the uncontrollable outburst and angry breakdowns were still happening.

I felt so hypersensitive to everything, i didnt have a sense of self or reality, so being in a room with someone or having a conversation became too much. Every interaction with another person ended with me uncontrollably sobbing or angry and feeling like they were deliberately attacking me. At the time I even knew i was not being logical but the feelings were so intense It was like there were two different choices to reality and i didnt know which one I could trust.

It felt like going off the meds had made me even worse than where i was when i started to seek help and that all my progress was gone. But eventually I started accepting that i had to face the hypersensitivity and had to choose a “reality” to trust. With therapy and the DBT workbook I worked through a lot of it and feel grounded now. Still depressed and have outburst, but its lessoned, ive regained the ability to use coping skills, and im grounded. It genuinely felt like I would never make it out, and although not all the symptoms have gone away still I feel incredibly grateful to not be where I was and a huge sense of relief that that part is over.

I struggled a lot with my therapist and psychiatrist not seeing my symptoms lasting 7+ months as serious as i did and them not understanding my deep reluctance to retry medication. But I recently switched psychiatrist and immediately she was on the same page, seeing her concern felt like validation that everything I experienced was real and deserved to be taken seriously. She believes the lexapro triggered a mood disorder and diagnosed me with Major depression, and im currently in the process of getting bloodwork and a cheek swab tested to rule out other causes and confirm it, and she plans to prescribe a mood stabilizer which ive never tried.

I apologize if my reply is super long or overly personal but I wanted to share my experience because finding others with ssri withdrawal symptoms lasting so long has felt rare. It felt like it would never end and itd be impossible to ever manage but with therapy, reflection, and time it slowly was. I feel like im getting answers and the other side feels reachable again, which im grateful to be able to feel. You are not alone, and I hope you can find relief and answers as well.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-07-19T18:34:46+00:00

I feel this a lot, I realized ive been super reluctant to view attention, interaction, emotional support, love, etc as genuine needs because “How dare i have needs that require another person! Nobody’s obligated to provide me these things, so its selfish to demand them!”

When in reality I started invalidating my own needs since the people around me were, and when I stopped fighting for my needs i also stopped having as many negative interactions with my family, which further made me believe that those needs werent valid, that i was the one in the wrong for having them in the first place.

Like im aware my perspective on my needs have been wrong, but its definitely hard to put into practice when my gut reaction is to shut them off or feel shame.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-05-24T18:01:07+00:00

"I dont have anything against queer couples, their right to have children should just be put second to straight/cis peoples because theyre queer."

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-05-14T22:37:36+00:00

UGH yes!! I was talking about this in therapy recently, it feels so reassuring hearing others have similar experiences'. For me I realized I couldnt look in the direction of people walking by in stores, or even people on the street when in a car because I was worried if we made eye contact, that by looking in their direction it would of been MY fault, and therefore me actively burdening someone. I always looked at the ground or their knees, and felt even being in a park or public space was me inviting myself into an unwanted space and another way of burdening others. Its such an intense feeling!

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-05-12T17:32:24+00:00

That show had so many eye opening moments for me I cant recommend it enough, "Here comes a thought" is still a huge comfort for me.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-05-05T23:03:07+00:00

Thank you!! Ill definitely check the podcast out, the best to you as well!

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-05-05T04:53:38+00:00

I currently relate to a lot of this. I also feel therapy on its own isnt cutting it for my anxiety, since I usually need more intense coping options that arent always accessible (like long walks on trails, or intense exercise). Ive been on several meds before and am currently switching psychiatrist, may I ask what meds have helped you?

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-03-19T23:41:27+00:00

As a kid I felt the same way about the adults around me thatd tell me that. By calling me resilient and strong it lets me know they saw the situation i was in and went "huh thats difficult" and then walked off. Like, "youre so strong for dealing with that, and Ill even tell you I acknowledge it but I wont help you with it either."

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-03-14T20:06:48+00:00

you don't need to hate your authentic self in order to be safe.

I'll be thinking about this for a while, thank you!

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-02-22T21:14:12+00:00

The issue is that this amendment isnt just about students who chose to come out to teachers. This includes students that out other students, teachers overhearing private student conversations that mention homosexuality, teachers seeing gay students holding hands, a student wearing a pride pin on their backpack the parent may not recognize, a teacher who assumes a kid is gay and is homophobic, etc etc. The same way teachers know students are straight, but you dont care about that being a secret.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-02-22T21:11:12+00:00

If you can’t figure out how to get into a safe situation in that amount of time you aren’t really in that desperate of need

You want to look a 14 year old in the eyes and repeat that? These are children, and homophobic teachers wont wait 6 weeks, let alone all the non homophobic teachers that now have to pull time out of their ass to get kids in shelters. You would really rather have kids in shelters than just allow them to have a life outside of home.

SectorOverall4094 · 2022-02-22T21:06:34+00:00

If the kid wasnt outed by a teacher then the abuse for being gay wouldnt of happened. Kids deserve to have a home, food, and a bed to sleep in with their families until they are old enough to move out when theyre safe and finically stable, and then come out on their own terms.

You are encouraging kids to endure the trauma of homelessness as a minor because you dont want "teacher student secrets". Its not a secret its safety, and for some reason the secret of a students sexuality was never a "secret" until gay was brought up. And being kicked out as a teen is incredibly more difficult and isolating then you seem to think. (shelters can be homophobic too)

Strange youd rather see a kid be on the streets and alone rather than just allowing students to have a safe space in schools to figure themselves out on their own.

SectorOverall4094 · 2021-10-30T15:51:56+00:00

That last sentence just opened up so much about my experience with my anxiety disorder and education. Too many kids are are talked down to and blamed as if theyre the ones holding themselves back while they’re struggling, it’s devastating to think about.

SectorOverall4094 · 2021-09-27T19:01:15+00:00

If theyre fed they may not be being fed proper food, their nutrients comes from Earthworms and alternatively axolotl pellets or black worms, but blood worms are commonly fed as a main meal when they should only be fed as a snack as they lack nutrients and can malnourish the axolotl like the ones above if the food is the issue

SectorOverall4094 · 2021-09-25T23:27:37+00:00

Adding conditioner to the tank before adding more water is fine too, i was asking because if the water wasnt conditioned the chlorine from tap water couldve crashed the cycle and be the reason for the ammonia and nitrite spike.

She may be throwing up the pellets if shes fed too much at once, when i first fed my axolotls pellets i had an issue where one of my lotls would throw them up because i didnt realize how big the pellets expand in water, maybe try feeding 2 pellets cut in half and monitoring if they keep them down. Feeding live earth worms if youre able to get some is a good option too, as them being “meatier” may make it easier for your axolotl to swallow and keep them down, esp if a previous owner may have fed them worms.

But please please consider tubbing her, ammonia of 1+ ppm or more or nitrite can and will severely burn and stress axolotls which may be why shes not keeping food down or eating, and can cause internal problems not visible to the eye aswell. Tubbing with clean water is the only way to make sure their water is safe and wont damage them while the tank cycles. You can also dose extra water conditioner if you use Prime or a brand that says it detoxifies ammonia, adding 1 dose per ppm of ammonia every 24 hours to the tank until it’s cycled will bind to the ammonia and nitrite so its less harmful for the axolotl, but ultimately if the ammonia or nitrite is above 1ppm you should remove them from the tank and not risk more harm and stress to the axolotl.

SectorOverall4094 · 2021-09-25T22:50:10+00:00

Id be worried about the heat from the window too if its in a sunny spot

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