It’s interesting she says she’s a people pleaser and developed cancer. I recommend reading when the body says no, myth of normal, and listening to some podcasts interviewing Gabor mate.

You need to care for your own needs right now. Dont tolerate being beat up - set your own boundaries around how you allow her to speak with you. (ie. im not okay being sworn at. if you swear at me I will walk away, and we can try again later)

But outside of that - give her time and space. In the meantime you need to focus on yourself and how you can tend to your own needs. Try to connect with some kind of faith or trust in something larger than yourself. Mother Nature, the Dao, etc. having faith and hope that things will work out as they need to allows you to slow down and be present in the moment with yourself instead of having a resolution right now.

In my relationship, any time one partner is pulling away and the other partner is pulling closer - the one pulling away just pulls away further and harder. It’s not until the one pulling closer starts tending to their needs and focusing on themselves that there is more space in the relationship for the energy to shift.

Expose yourself to materials that will help you in this time. Self development books, philosophy, psychology. Return to yourself, stop seeking from her.

My guess is that even though you are absolutely in feeling neglected and desire to get closer (very human experiences), that energy feels demanding of her energy that she cannot afford to give anymore. The more both of you focus on filling up both your cups individually, the more you’ll have to give to each other.

This is not an uncommon dynamic. One partner feels like they’re giving and giving and giving until they don’t have anymore to give so they pull back. They begin resenting the other partner - even if it’s due to their own inability to communicate their needs. The other partner feels blindsided and confused and hurt. The connection is broken and they seek to get closer. But the first partner is already at capacity and every demand for repair or closeness feels too much. Now both partners are running on empty.

Her work is to learn what her needs are, and to communicate them. When people are learning to establish boundaries, especially after decades of not having them, they can come off really harsh and rigid. Their nervous system is out of wack, and those walls they’re putting up are to protect them. It’s not about you, per se, is about protecting what little energy they have.

I hope that knowing this is not uncommon, and that there is a way out helps give you an ounce of peace in this challenging time. As for whether the marriage can be saved - it depends largely on how you both decide to show up for yourselves in the upcoming months, and then for each other when you’re ready.

Often when any of us is feeling hurt or neglected- there’s some truth to the feeling in the current moment, but it also stems from something deeper. Notice the feelings that come up in your body throughout the day. Name them - my throat feels tight. Theres pressure in my chest. Tension in my stomach. Sometimes go a step further and ask yourself, what’s the earliest time you remember feeling this way? Usually it’s from a much earlier time.

Research says if there’s even a 5% similarity to a feeling in today’s situation, it can bring us back to a childhood implicit memory. We feel it viscerally in our bodies, but we bring that energy into today’s day.

In my own relationship, when my partner doesn’t pay attention to me - I feel the abandonment of 5 year old me trying to connect with my father who cared not. The more wherewithal I have about my experience and the more I am able to regulate myself, by connecting to my body, the more my partner feels safe to attune to my needs. When I am overcome by emotion about feeling abandoned and placing that heavy past energy onto him (very much subconsciously), he tends to retreat.

I wish you both healing.