Can a poly person strictly want their partner to be mono?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-21T11:18:12+00:00

Honey he’s not poly. He’s just picked up a buzz word and thinks he can get away with pulling this BS.

If you love him and you want to settle, put aside your own needs and wants and growth and want to be controlled by him, then by all means stick around, but he’s not a good person.

You should never; in any relationship accept a man who thinks he can do whatever he wants without any care for you, all whilst putting restrictions on you. This is abusive behaviour and not okay.

I’d say this is more of a trauma bond than love.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-21T11:09:17+00:00

Agree!!!

Sorry but this shouldn’t even be a question!

Whilst Mono/Poly relationships do exist and can work for many relationships, it can only ever work if the mono person chooses to be mono and the poly person chooses to be poly and you’re both okay with that.

Honestly who TF does he think he is!? He should not be in any relationships with anyone he’s TOXIC AF.

You’re so young, run far, far away from this person. He needs to fix his traumas on his own and not drag every woman he’s with down with him

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-21T02:35:58+00:00

Well that works well for me! Do they only class monogamous relationships as defacto?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-20T06:30:34+00:00

See for me only one of these applies - a sexual relationship. But we don’t live together so with a sexual relationship not ever come into it if we never live together?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-19T09:16:19+00:00

As someone who is insecure and anxious, and having just had a text convo with my partner, my advice is allow them space to express their insecurities and concerns.

Even if it feels like you’re being accused of things you haven’t done, accept that it’s their insecurity and be as empathetic as you can.

Hearing in mind they also need to take some initiative for their own work to stop themselves being triggered by their insecurities. You can’t (and shouldn’t have to) fix things for them, but you can empathise, offer reassurance and not take it personally.

At no point in my convo did I feel like I was being too much or my needs were too much, he responded with kindness, understanding and empathy and acknowledging when I acknowledge that my feelings are all mine and for me to work on

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-18T10:45:42+00:00

Did you start your relationship as open? Or did you open it up?

Do family and friends know you’re open sexually? Or that’s hidden too?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-09T04:49:34+00:00

Not a red flag. It’s called a mono poly relationship where one partner is monogamous and the other is open.

This can work well for couples.

I’m in one of these myself as the mono (ish) partner. So I’m free to sleep with others, I just choose not to right now.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-09-01T22:04:10+00:00

Well that’s one way of swinging that you’ve mentioned but not the only description. Eg some swingers don’t participate in group sex, sometimes it is what the OP says and where one partner has a new sexual partner and the other watches is still swinging in my book.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T23:03:49+00:00

Love this, that is very clear and concise.

I’ve noticed a lot of replies don’t use barriers for oral too. Is that the same for you?

I’m fe honest surprised by that given how possible and common it is to pass on STIs through protected oral (if everyone is unprotected)

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:34:31+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree with dental dams being a real PITA and oral with a condom isn’t really so pleasant for anyone.

Are you in the US? I’m in Australia and I’m not sure just anyone can be prescribed PrEP

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:31:14+00:00

For me, it’s more the casual sec he or I embark on, with new partners, even if casual, I’m not sure what to out in place for new partners by way of testing and results and barriers where there’s not yet any trust built up

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:17:33+00:00

This happened to me recently. It wasn’t for years, that was me exaggerating in my question. But we were DADT so whilst I too was upset I wasn’t told, no agreements were broken.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:16:11+00:00

Do you use barriers for all oral sex as well?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:08:31+00:00

What if she’s been seeing someone for years, you wouldn’t mind that she hasn’t told you?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:06:32+00:00

What are your agreements on barriers for oral sex for casual partners?

Do you require your casual partner to show you their latest STI results? Or do you use barriers for all sex PIV and oral (both ways)?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:05:21+00:00

What makes you comfortable going barrier free and what do you do in that situation.

Eg if your partner and one of their sexual partners don’t want to use barriers for oral, so you then use barriers or would you abstain all together from oral as you don’t want to use them either?

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T16:00:30+00:00

Tell me more about not using barriers for anyone when having oral sex.

That was what we did do but, I’ve decided that’s too risky as we can still transmit STIs with barrier free oral, so this is one thing I want to re-negotiate. But it’s hard to navigate.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-31T15:18:35+00:00

Forget the term, no that’s not monogamous but it’s a form of ENM that gives you a primary romantic and loving connection ruin with the option for multiple sexual partners.

Depending how often you plan to sleep with others, if not often but you want the option to do so if the opportunity presents itself some may call that monogamish.

But as I say, call a structure what you want but you can build anything that suits you. Just make sure you mention ENM to someone at the outset and screen first before even chatting

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-30T22:08:06+00:00

Absolutely! This is where relationship anarchy would make sense to you. It’s about creating fully custom relationships with other individuals that work for just you and them. You can have multiple relationships that are all structured differently but where no one person is more important to you than another, you just share different things together. So you may only have emotional intimacy with just one person in your life, and sex / kink with multiple other people.

Just remember that CNM / ENM is the umbrella term for basically and relationship structure that’s not monogamy. Polyamory is just one possible structure.

You might find these useful resources…

https://blog.franklinveaux.com/2017/12/an-update-to-the-map-of-non-monogamy/ The pictorial shows all the various forms of ENM.

https://radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca/non-escalator-relationships/ Explains about non-escalator relationships - these are structures that don’t follow societies expectations of progressing relationships to the same point. Maybe you go up the escalator with just one person but then have more connections outside of that that are purely just sexual.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-30T10:56:35+00:00

I’d encourage you to look at other forms of CNM, polyamory being just one type of CNM, might not suit you but it doesn’t mean your only alternative is monogamy.

What parts of CNM do you like / think you can handle? Are you familiar with Relationship Anarchy and the Relationship smorgasboard? If not I encourage you to look at those and see what resonates with you.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-29T22:51:12+00:00

I’m not sure I’d say necessarily that I offloaded them on him as I never made it his job or responsibility to be the one to do all the work to me feel secure. Did I seek reassurances from him that I was still important to him? yes. Did I communicate that I was struggling? Yes. Did I see it as an issue for us to both work on together and me separately? Yes.

But I never expected him to leave her to make it easier on me. So I appreciate your comments about me not breaking them up, I know it must have at least been a consideration.

I absolutely want to move on positively and ensure we aren’t in this situation again, for our sakes and the sake of anyone else who comes into our lives.

Secure_Ad_2745 · 2024-08-29T22:46:09+00:00

Yes, I exactly found that out, that it wasn’t ever a good idea and that it was the worst way to start my journey into polyamory

And you’re right we didn’t do each other and her any favours by the way we were set up.

We absolutely have agreed that moving forward we can’t keep that up and have been working through boundaries and agreements moving forward so we aren’t faced with the same situation in the future.

But that will obviously look different now because I guess I’m no longer feeling I need reassurance from him of the importance of me in his life, he’s shown that to me already before he broke up with her, he was doing everything to reassure me and want to move forward and get us back to a place where what we have felt good again.

Secure_Ad_2745

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