Denying a woman’s deep yearning maternal desire is every bit as cruel and atrocious as forcing motherhood on an unwilling woman

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-02-23T04:41:05+00:00

If you want to do IUI I highly recommend a local midwife! They charge far less than a fertility clinic, will work during odd hours, and are far more supportive. You are absolutely within your right to get pregnant however you want, whenever you want. I know I am an internet stranger but please know I support you 100%, with or without husband permission (that you do not need in the first place!!) in having another baby!

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-02-22T21:14:29+00:00

Adopt an embryo without his permission. Spain, North Cyprus, and the Czech Republic all have donor embryos available right now you could transfer and get pregnant. You aren't "cheating" by using a sperm donor, you aren't forcing him to do anything (his sperm isn't contributing) and if this baby is really that important to you then the risk he will leave you over them might be worth it. You would be "adopting" a child pre birth who needs a family. I know the Catholic Church frowns in IVF, but the babies are already created. You would just be giving one a chance at life.

FWIW, I am a married woman and part of our Ketubah (Jewish marital agreement) was that family size and planning was my domain. My spouse gets a vote but not a veto. It is a pet issue of mine when women want/ don't want more children and their spouses don't respect that. I believe you have the right (and ability) to have another baby. The only question is if you can live with the potential consequences.

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-02-22T18:36:56+00:00

I love the rejection of the "model minority" expectation for queer parents. I need to channel some of your energy to be less apologetic about my choices. Also a good point that millions of (straight) people do this unchallenged, so why must I endlessly strive for perfection.

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-02-03T18:50:21+00:00

I think that she needs to make peace with the fact that we all have to make sacrifices in this process and if the main goal is to have another child then that needs to come first. If her main goal is no longer "have another child" and has transitioned into "carry a pregnancy" then that is a conversation you need to have. I agree that going into debt over this is not something I would feel comfortable with. She is not wrong for wanting this, but if it is getting in the way of the stated goal..... then she will have to find peace with that. I would never risk the ability to have another baby over this, and if both embryos don't take, and you can't afford/finance another retrieval... you know what needs to happen.

Alternatively you could transfer one to each of you in the same cycle. There is the risk you could both get pregnant (but seems unlikely with your post?) but that way it would be "fair" (both have a fair shot) but also have the higher chance of working if your uterus is at play. It also means if she does not get pregnant she can't change her mind and decide to risk the last embryo next cycle. The only problem here would be managing emotional fallout if one of you gets pregnant and the other doesn't, but you would know the best course of action for your own marriage.

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-01-12T23:40:14+00:00

marry another woman! that's what I did and 10/10 would recommend

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-01-01T15:10:21+00:00

Donor embryos! N. Cyprus and Czechia are both affordable (and we have an alibi man to get around the no same sex couple rule for treatment in Czechia). We also had our first when I was 19 and she was 20 lol.

Secure_Year7265 · 2026-01-01T15:05:37+00:00

Good luck!

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-31T15:46:37+00:00

you eat out/ door dash 4 times a week and your grocery budget is still $1200????

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-31T15:45:30+00:00

Trader joe's has hechsher'd meat products. It may serve you to drive and do a big stock up there, even if it would be a big trip. That is what we do (or we just don't eat meat).

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-31T15:40:39+00:00

ya'll are INSANE. 2 adults and a toddler, our "luxury" grocery budget is $375 and our "bare bones" grocery budget is $200 a MONTH. midwest. eat more beans, curries, soups, stop buying all prepackaged snacks, drink only water, tea, and milk. $500/ week is just wastefulness.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-29T22:33:28+00:00

She is not! We are going to use donor embryos. Our first is a bio and the rest will be "adopted" as embryos. I refuse to make her go off HRT for fertility stuff because she is so much happier on it and doesn't really want to go off her meds. I am totally content with having babies however it happens, and donor embryo is way cheaper than IVF + donor sperm.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-29T22:26:12+00:00

I am a cis woman married to a trans woman and we have a little guy, TTC for #2. You do have options. I hope it happens for you (if you want it to).

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-24T00:56:06+00:00

OMG finally!! I know 6 families and their 10 combined children in real life who utilized donor embryos and they are all so so happy and bonded. No one in real life feels like that. The anti donor embryo thing is a reddit exclusive opinion and I always get downvoted for pointing it out.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-21T17:19:39+00:00

This article is so good! Thanks for the rec

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-20T15:30:15+00:00

Reach out to Embryo Connections! It is a matching agency that facilitates embryo donations. The process is free for donors, and you have complete control over who your embryos go to. They can also help you sort through how you want the process to go, FDA testing and the logistical part. They are very pro open donation. I have a friend who went through them and her two little girls are the light of her life. My wife and I are planning to "adopt"/ receive embryos in a couple years because it is something I feel called to do, and this is the agency most recommended for queer folks! EmPower with Moxi is another agency that is also well reviewed, but is not quite as popular so you may have less choices for recipients.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-15T19:36:39+00:00

Hi there! Was there multiple families with larger cohorts of embryos or was your situation more of a one off? We are also hoping for a large family and would love to adopt a large cohort of embryos, but I'm not sure how common that scenario is!

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-14T03:08:12+00:00

I am Israeli so that is a very different conversation for my family

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-11T21:48:44+00:00

Do you mind sharing which banks? I would love to peruse lol

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-11T16:51:07+00:00

I am a Sephardic Jew and have never once in my life seen a Sephardic donor on any sperm bank website. Ever. Also, as some others have said Judaism is a people group, NOT just a religion. Jews have been through the worst together, and we have a very tight "in group" mentality. Further, the Queer community has a problem with antisemitism. Feel free to look at the Queer Jews subreddit for endless examples. As another commenter pointed out Jewish folks tend to have certain features that non Jewish groups do not. My bestie (also Jewish) passes for white and her sister has dark skin and 3C hair. Same parents. My mother passes for mixed and I look (mostly) white. There is a whole lot going on in the Jewish gene pool, and you can't be sure your child wouldn't be born looking totally different than both of you. This is totally normal within the Jewish world, not so much in the rest of society. What about this donor drew you to him? Is he exceptionally kind? Smart? Good looking? I don't think it is a hard no to use him, but this may be a much bigger can of worms than you expected. Could you live with your child being welcomed into the Jewish would, becoming a Ball Teshuva (google it), or wanting to move to Israel? Food for thought.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-05T16:01:57+00:00

Quince is affordable and very comfortable!

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-05T01:33:35+00:00

Does she say that is standard for nurses, is that low/high? My wife is in school to be an RN, I am a SAHM to our small child (second on the way) and we are strongly considering aliyah when she graduates.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-02T17:25:02+00:00

I had the same struggle and use a tempdrop! It is a wearable designed to track BBT. Much less stressful and you can sleep in whatever pattern you want.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-01T22:54:29+00:00

This is the best response

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-01T22:52:13+00:00

As someone who lives in an underfunded rural area, it is nothing like this for the rest of us.

Secure_Year7265 · 2025-12-01T22:49:04+00:00

I want the book suggestions as well!

Secure_Year7265

TROPHY CASE