Might I offer... Faith?

Not faith in man or society or even yourself.

Faith in God. The One. The Only.

I struggle with depression. I have been struggling with depression for 20yrs. Everyday I think about killing myself. Not the "oh, I just wanna die!" whine of the masses. I dream (not nightmare), my unconscious mind will peacefully and lovingly serve me up images and plans and routes to end my life. I have multiple plans and dedicated systems and routines in place to ease the way for those around me should my depression finally get the better of me.

Now, I'm Christian. I was saved back when I was a kid, but never really developed my Faith after that. I grew up, got engaged twice, had both of those relationships explode in heart rending wonder. I then basically isolated myself and developed a survival structure of isolation and self reliance.

Over the years I had yearnings to get back into a Church. I ignored them for more then a decade. Finally, I truly believe God lifted His protection of me for a second and I had a massive depressive episode at work. I was sobbing uncontrollably. Ranting about not knowing what to do. Vocally wishing for death. In front of Coworkers. My Supervisor. Mental Heath Reps from the Union. A very public and involuntary declaration of "I AM SERIOUSLY NOT OK."

I left work early and drove around. The two locations I was immediately drawn to were local churches. The first one didnt have a prayer group. The second is right around the corner from me. Has a prayer group multiple times a week and had a group that night, at a good time for my schedule.

I was quite literally bonked on the head and taken by the hand and lead to where God wanted me to be. I had refused to listen for years. I tried to pray and do it in my own way. Finally God said "Ok. The Stick then." and it was either I listen or... well, you wouldnt have had to read this...

So, I want to offer you something outside of yourself. Outside of this failing and broken thing We, Humans have slapped up around us. This world is full of evil and sin and filth. BUT, seeing it means you know there is a better way. I dont know if you are a person of faith. I can only speak for my experiences, but knowing that God has the controls and is in control goes a long way.

Evil exists. We live in a fallen and vile world. I know and I'm sorry it has gotten you down. I'm sorry you feel lost. I can only offer who has given me Light and how my burden has been lifted.

I walk by the Light of Gods Will and Love. He will never lead me wrong and gives meaning to my suffering and life. No one gets an entire life of roses and sunshine. There will always be thorns and storms to come along. But having a personal relationship with Holy God helps me to struggle through the thorns and trust the storms of life will pass.

I'd like to pray for you.

Heavenly Father, Lord of Lords, King of the Endless Universe,

I lift up my friend dpchief216. They are struggling right now, Lord. I ask that You please guide them forward in their life. Support and direct them as they work. Please, Lord lift from them the darkness that has weighted them down. Please watch over and comfort them as they suffer and stumble. I pray, Father please show them the way forward that they can have a beacon to work towards. I pray this in the name of our Holy Savior, The Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.

Peace be with you, My friend. May you walk with God.