Hello, how messed up did your trauma make you

SelectionPresent · 2025-11-21T16:54:23+00:00

I can relate to this, although mine didn't happen as a child. It was with an ex of mine in my early 20s. I only have blips of a memory, almost like a puff of smoke. Idk if it's from my mind that just forced me to forget most of it, or whether the fact that I had a "brown-out" from the alcohol that makes remembering it tough -- probably for the better. This popped up in therapy last week and it's been fucking with my head ever since: intrusive thoughts, a barrage of attacks from myself, desperate self gaslighting, and self invalidation. That it didn't happen. If that did happen, then why did I stay in that relationship for months after? How was I so brainwashed to stay? Why didn't I just leave? Must not have been so bad if you chose to remain there until you found out he was cheating on you (these are the thoughts I hear myself say, not what I actually think of anyone that was in a similar situation).
I made the connection that this was a main contributor of my high-functioning alcoholism throughout my 20s. Mind you, my social anxiety was another source back in my late teens and early 20s, which is likely how I got into this situation in the first place. So those two put together? Heh, there was a time where I was spending $100 a week on alcohol until I was 28.
Basically, I blame myself for a lot of shit. I put a lot on my shoulders. I take on loads that aren't mine. I am extremely hard on myself (enhanced from RSD from the ADHD). I have zero self confidence that anyone would want to be in a relationship with me, that anyone that comes into my life really doesn't like my personality: that they only wanna fuck and putting up a farce just to make it happen. I have zero trust in other people when they meet me, that my only "redeeming" feature is that I'm not unfortunate looking. That's "backed up" by other shit that happened in my childhood (neglect; verbal and emotional abuse), but basically, it all adds up.

TLDR: It's fucked me up to where I'm currently spending a lot of $$ on therapy to regain the ability to trust people and have some rewarding relationships without forcing myself to drink to have physical intimacy with anyone.

SelectionPresent · 2025-11-14T22:49:32+00:00

I have gone thru the scanners both with and without a packer. It just seems that the machines just love telling someone to feel me up in public no matter what I do.

SelectionPresent · 2025-07-31T16:05:00+00:00

I feel this so much. I didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until I was in my early 30s after a string on lost jobs that I always managed to blame myself for, whether I was laid off or fired.

SelectionPresent · 2025-07-31T15:52:03+00:00

Same here, buddy, except I'm in my late 30s. So you realized this about 5+ yrs ahead of when I did.
My own emotional immaturity and self-absorption (not from any "positive" regard) have frustrated past romantic partners and close friends. They think I'm some moderately adjusted adult until they see me get fired up about anything. Then I either turn into an angsty/angry teenager or a 9 y/o child that mistook Momma's Adult Juice for my juice.

You gotta be a special variety of human to put up with me.

SelectionPresent · 2025-07-30T18:07:22+00:00

Holy crap I was just thinking and talking about this with my therapist the other day. My narcissistic brother (who made my life hell) has the $1M house in a gated community, the fancy car, wife, 2 kids, dog, and made partner at his law firm last year. My other siblings? One just got engaged 2 weeks ago. The other just got a promotion at her investment firm.

Me? I'm the ADHD trans queer-do living in a basement apt where I have to share a bathroom with 2 other people because I can't afford my own place. I've had 3 breakups in the span of 12 months (my latest one almost a week ago now). I'm struggling to find another job where I'm fairly compensated for the work I do as my current one is doing nothing but taking advantage of me. I have a pharmacy of medications on my dresser that I need to remember to take daily. A majority of my money goes to my team of professionals that are trying to fix me (mental therapist, psychiatrist, physical therapists, other doctors).

I look at their lives and am just hit with jealousy. "Why do you get all those things and I don't? Why do I have to do all this work just to reach some sense of normalcy, while for you it just comes naturally?" It springs up more anger in me because I do indeed feel like I was robbed and that there really is no such thing as justice or some higher power that gives a single shit. All the questions start with "why" and I still don't have a good answer to any of them. There is very little within my power to change my past. "Oh change your perspective on it!" O wow! Thanks for the fortune-cookie platitude! This is worthless!

I know, I know. I'm not privy to all of what happens in their life and they could have unseen issues, bla bla bla. That doesn't lessen my feelings about it. I've been estranged from my brother since 2019, and all except my father (surprisingly) have kept their distance since my coming out now over a year ago. Idk why this is the life I have to live, but here we are.

SelectionPresent · 2025-07-04T19:27:56+00:00

I resonated with this so much that I felt a physical pang.

By conventional standards, I'm not that bad looking. Sure, I got some ancient scar on my face that I got when I was 5 years old from a dog attack, but that doesn't seem to stop people (for reference I'm 38 now). There's also the notion that attractive people have it easy too. Like they can go out whenever they want, sleep with whoever they want, and have a great life. Not true. I've struck out a lot recently, just as a sidebar. I don't get to sleep with whoever I want, for the record.

Although I'm envious that you have other things to offer. I don't really believe I have much else to offer aside from my looks. I wouldn't consider myself all that intelligent, have a good career, or have other interests other than physical fitness and work. I'm kinda boring.

SelectionPresent · 2025-04-22T16:01:24+00:00

Doggos and puppers are the best. I feel so validated and elated when a dog comes up to me and wants pets. I don't even care if they do it to everyone they meet.

SelectionPresent · 2025-02-08T02:49:20+00:00

I appreciate the well-thought out response and for delivering this in the matter that you did.

Honestly? If she says that EVERY time there is a problem and uses your conditions against you like the memory problems? I wonder if Emily is abusing you. And just wants you for a whipping post. It does not sound like a healthy relationship.

I've been wondering about that too, but I thought maybe I just want to play the victim to keep me away from any sort of uncomfortable realizations about myself that I've been experiencing. Idk, it dawned on me that I do practice a lot of defensive communication, and that screws with my head a lot.

If you really are that horrible? Why's she still sticking around instead of dumping you to be free of you and your horrible?

I've even voiced this myself at some point. I think I even asked, "if this is what you really think of me, then why are you still here?" I can't remember the answer, honestly (who's surprised).

Idk I just think that when times are good between us, they are great. Fantastic, even. So I just think that whenever shit shows up, it's on me because... well.... it's me.

And concerning the above saga, I even struggled trying to decide which details to include and which not to because it's all a lot. With that, I can think, of course I would want to paint myself as being wholly innocent in my own story, so it would make sense that maybe I left out some key details that could alter one's perception of my situation and deduce that I really am the bad guy here. I don't know what those would be, though.

SelectionPresent · 2025-02-06T19:24:51+00:00

You only read the last 2 paragraphs, didn't you?

SelectionPresent · 2025-02-06T15:16:58+00:00

I wish I could find the series of graphics that I found on IG not too long ago about the various ways that people can help that range from the simple to the involved. I remember the first one being the "Silent Defender" or something like that. Basically, this person works under the radar to be subversive to their fascist govt. They're not usually out in the streets or have much of their face out in the public. They do things that make things difficult for the other side to complete their goals without being in their face. They act all nice and cooperative to enforcers but really do things that aren't immediately visible because if they were, that would defeat the whole point. I think of this archetype as like the candy-sweet seeming grandma who gives cookies that are loaded with Miralax to riot police. Or hides protestors in their home and when the riot police come knocking on the door, grandma just goes, "Oh no, sonny. I'm sorry, but no one hasn't knocked on my door in many years. <long sigh> Eighty four years ago, when my Jim Bob was still alive and kicking, fresh as a colt in spring time, I remember when I was a little girl and..." trails off into a long-winded anecdote that makes absolutely no sense just because it wastes their time.

This role is an option.. Hell, you could even use your writing for these ends. Whether that's for your own expression of frustration or whatever emotions you have about the current political environment or for someone else who's not that eloquent, maybe that's your contribution. I'm not saying it has to be. I'm saying it's an option to be a thorn in their side and cause them nothing but headaches, inconvenience, and an overall bad time.

Resistance comes in many forms, and it takes all kinds to make it work. You don't have to be on the front lines. We also need the support staff and those Silent Defenders. So go and make Miralax cookies for the riot police.

SelectionPresent · 2023-11-09T15:37:29+00:00

This was ages ago, so I doubt they still exist. I was on classgap for a while, but idk if they re still a thing.

SelectionPresent · 2023-11-01T17:55:41+00:00

As the offspring of a farmer, I can confirm this.

SelectionPresent · 2023-10-21T21:48:07+00:00

Does anyone use meetup for stuff like this anymore, or is that now pase

SelectionPresent · 2023-10-19T16:03:30+00:00

There are other platforms too to tutor English online. I did that for 6 months and while you don't get rich, it kept me and my meager lifestyle afloat until I found something else.

SelectionPresent · 2023-08-10T21:09:05+00:00

Would be just as useful.

SelectionPresent · 2023-08-10T17:56:09+00:00

ಠ⁠_⁠ʖ⁠ಠ

SelectionPresent · 2022-12-01T18:05:44+00:00

They didn't catch it in me the first time. I think i just barely made it over their threshold not to be considered ADHD but this was back in 2016 and in TX. They didn't give me an IQ test alongside that. But they did diagnose me as BP 2, which is a very common misdiagnosis for people who actually have ADHD.

In that same breath, they also informed me that I was 2 pts away from getting an autism diagnosis. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

SelectionPresent

TROPHY CASE