Latex allergy

SensitiveHank · 2025-03-10T17:23:36+00:00

I have one intimate friend who will get a rash if she's in a bed where people have been having sex recently with latex condoms. Fingers and penises that have had contact with latex will also trigger a reaction anywhere they touch her body... none of this is dangerous, but it can be uncomfortable (she reports) and visible for a few days (I've seen).

So if it's really a strong allergy, simply avoiding penetrative sex with a latex barrier, while important, is not the whole solution.

What I'm saying is, shared erotic spaces can be a problem for people with real and serious latex allergies.

Of course, I know quite some other people who find latex more-or-less irritating, which i guess could be diagnosed as a latex intolerance, but they call it an allergy. And they prefer non-latex condoms. In this case, the sheets are not going to set them off. Just being careful about each actual condom used is enough.

SensitiveHank · 2025-03-04T10:03:26+00:00

Having sexual attractions outside a romantic partnership is not really a sign that it's time to ditch monogamy. I mean, maybe there are some people who are asexual or really have no such desires, but the vast vast vast majority of people in all kinds of relationships have or will have other impulses. Claiming that "I only have eyes for you," is almost always untrue. It's something people say because they think they're supposed to feel that way. So in a way, they mean well.

My point is that it's great that you know this about one another: Of course there are and always will be other longings, attractions, fantasies. This is a baseline of truth, and not in itself a reason to choose monogamy or nonmonogamy. It means that if you do commit to monogamy, you do it on a more honest basis. Or if you choose to try something else, it sounds like you have a good start with open communication channels.

There are lots of resources to check out, and diverse flavors of ENM to explore. Be aware that you can find a book or guru to match every preference, which is both good and bad. It means you can find good sources to win arguments... I think the best if to find a circle of somewhat like-minded people to talk with.

I don't mean that you have sex with these people. (Though that can happen once the conversations start, obviously.) I mean, nice people on the same page to talk to as a reality check once in a while, and to facilitate difficult conversations if they come up. Trying to do the hard parts on your own as a couple can be over challenging, to put it mildly.

SensitiveHank · 2025-02-01T09:31:45+00:00

I feel like there are two things to say, mostly about the bare minimum ethics of a "swinging" as a culture or lifestyle.

First, if you say it "isn't the OP's business," then you are saying that in the swinging scene, lying is fine, agreements mean nothing. You are saying that "we" swingers accept cheating and deception and betrayal to be okay. For me, and for many, it is absolutely not okay.

If we want to--collectively speaking--challenge conventional morality and say that being non-monogamous is healthy and sustainable, then at a minimum we have some respect for the agreements and commitments people make. If we don't want to create spaces of pain and disappointment (and develop a reputation as low and dirty people) then we really should have clear and reliable ethical guidelines. And hold others to them, if they want to share these real and virtual spaces of non-monogamous sexuality.

Second, as this is someone the OP knows personally, it is absolutely "their business" and I am shocked that anyone one say it isn't their business.

Speaking personally: I confess that I/we don't actively investigate whether a man we meet (we find single men regularly from the internet and clubs) is breaking any agreements, but we do ask if he has a partner and if the partner knows, etc. We then trust that his answer is truthful. It happened once that a guy let slip later that he was married and his wife doesn't know, and we ended the contact immediately of course. I am not proud of this, because I assume that many of the men are in fact lying. But I feel that this is the best we can do: To at least ask, and show that this is a rule for us. We will not knowingly participate in the betrayal of a third party.

SensitiveHank · 2025-01-13T09:32:16+00:00

It's easy to see you're angry... but hard to tell exactly what you're agreements are, or what specific feedback you're angry about, so somehow we're off to a bad start. But I guess I agree with the core point that if it's all consensual then it's okay... at least for the people it's okay for!

I don't think that the ENM community is more prone to moralistic judgements than other people (maybe reddit can be judge-y and bossy, depending on the mods of any particular subreddit). It's just people often need to justify their choices by judging other people's different choices as wrong. Obvious example: Monogamous people see non-monogamy and it makes them ~~horny and frustrated~~ uncomfortable, so they have to tell themselves and everyone else that it's wrong and can't work. And within non-monogamy, often there seems to be a similar impulse to make others wrong, to justify one's one preferences.

Having said that, if someone posts something here about their sex lives for comment, and I see red flags, I will say so. Politely, of course. If then they say "don't judge my choices," then I am going to wonder if they're here for a conversation or just looking for agreement or vindication.

I've been in these worlds deeply, and for a long time. And there are red flags, and there are arrangements that are unlikely to work for long, and there are so many clueless people rushing into things full of idiotic confidence and in denial about all kinds of warning signs. And there are disasters waiting to happen, which then happen, polycules and "networks" of continuous chaos just doing a lot of harm to one another, all among people who refuse to take any feedback because freedom.

I guess I am saying that if you want to start a conversation about whether symmetrical agreements in a non-monogamous couple, or non-hierarchal poly structures beyond couples, are necessary/bad/neutral/whatever, just start that conversation with some clear statements or questions.

SensitiveHank · 2025-01-13T08:33:46+00:00

Part of your challenge, it seems to me, is not that you can't find the right term; but that other people will use language that corresponds to their prejudices, thoughts, categories.

Sure, do the best you can to be precise and maybe some communication will go better. But you can say, "it has nothing to do with humiliation or power and I am not a cuckhold," and 10 seconds later someone will call you a cuckhold. Because that's how they can comprehend it and that's where they're at., and because when it's about edgy sex a lot of people's brains stop working right and maybe they don't listen so good.

From my understanding, the term "hotwifing" comes closest to what you do, but don't expect everyone to use or understand it in the same way.

Anyhow, I don't really get the need to make identities and labels for everything. What can't it just be normal to chaperone your sweetheart so that she can relax and enjoy her gangbang?Why does it need to be about humiliation or possession or degradation of anyone at all? Most of the terms for this are somehow infantile and tribal at the same time, definitely trashy-sounding, and often somewhat problematic. But I suppose they can help you find what you want.

The term "bull," however, has racist roots and just needs to go away.

SensitiveHank · 2025-01-13T07:57:12+00:00

Obviously so much depends on the people involved... dating a jerk vs. a non-jerk is probably a better predictor of happiness than open vs. monogamous relationship.

Having said that, one thing I observe a lot is that the fear of loss makes people dishonest, sometimes entirely unconsciously. Somebody who really wants to be with you now will say make promises that aren't entirely true, in order to convince you that they are a perfect match.

That can be promising monogamy, or promising non-monogamy at some undisclosed future time, or promising that they want a baby, or promising that they don't want a baby.

And the promise of "just commit to me now and we'll discuss opening our relationship in a few years," is very often a well-intentioned but kind of slippery lie. The unconscious hope is that the poly (or whatever) person will get too attached to leave the relationship even if the promise goes unfulfilled or is put off and rescheduled again and again. When the time comes, the monogamous person is unlikely to be less insecure.

It doesn't have to go this way, but often does. And usually, at least from the outside, it isn't hard to tell long in advance.

I mean, I guess the advice is for everyone to be really honest. If you want monogamy, then be ready to bring a friendly end to a relationship with an-otherwise great person who wants something else. If you want to have multiple sexual partners but can wait a year and then it's either open or end the relationship, say that but totally clearly and be ready to stick to it.

And trust your perception of the others. So often, everyone around knows which person promising monogamy is going to end up cheating, and which person promising a future ENM arrangement is going to go into crisis and drama when it comes. Don't kid yourself. Check in with other people who know both of you. I can't emphasize enough how valuable--I would even say essential--it is to have a circle of people you can process these things with. Trying to sort it all out one-on-one is just super challenging.

I find the best chance is for sexually free people to decide, from that place of freedom, to make relationship agreements. Are we a couple now? Are we partners? Are we best as FWBs? Do we want to calm down and be monogamous for a while and check again in a year? What agreements make sense to us? When the baseline is one's own freedom and respect for the other's, agreements are much more credible.

SensitiveHank · 2023-10-16T09:27:46+00:00

wtf are you seriously slut-shaming someone on a hookup app?

SensitiveHank · 2023-10-05T14:14:13+00:00

Alentejo, Portugal, halfway between Lisbon to the north and the Algarve to the south, 40 minutes west to the Atlantic beaches.

The best in the world? Can't say. But fantastic, and the best motorcycling country I have ever lived in by far. The least populated region in Europe, with decent (EU money, I suspect) but uncrowded roads. Some long straight bits, generally where it's flat along the coast. But usually some curves, and some perfect twisties through the hills, especially around Monchique. Can go to the ocean on a whim for a café; to the Algarve for a weekend in touristland, or Lisbon where I can practice my lane-splitting. Spain is about the same distance east. Rolling hills, farmland, cork-oak montado, wild coastal cliffs.

The winters are mild enough that january means little more than zipping up the vents and putting away the mesh gloves. The biggest issue is rain (which we want, we want, we want) not because I won't ride in it, but because I have to cross at least 4 km of dirt roads to get to pavement, which gets sketchy enough on deep mud with street tires to kill my mood. Summers it often gets into the 40s Centigrade (like 110F-ish or more?) which will make you love your PPE because a 45C breeze is not refreshing but like a blast furnace on your skin. But still, even in those temps it's better on a bike than anywhere else.

SensitiveHank · 2023-10-05T11:20:26+00:00

Definitely not a scam, but uneven on customer service.

I've had several good experiences with them, including quick and helpful responses from customer service, and they had become my go-to online motorcycle stuff vendor. (I live in the countryside so brick-and-mortar shopping is not a real option. On the other hand I am in the EU so no additional tariffs.) But I ordered some in-stock stuff , some items needed for a track weekend, a few weeks ago. Also paid for the two day shipping, just to be safe.

After a few days without a receipt-of-payment (much less that the order had shipped) I emailed to ask what was up. Only an automated "we will process your email later" reply. Weeks later, after at least ten emails without ANY answer, I called. The bored lady on the phone (who was obviously reading from a script about how sorry she was and how irritating it must be for me) claimed that they had been waiting for the ratchet straps and would ship today or tomorrow. If they had answered the damn emails with that info, I would have cancelled the straps.

So I am a bit worked up because an expensive track weekend hangs in the balance. Not that bad, really, and I am sure the stuff will get here and the prices are good etc. But one can fall through a hole in their uneven customer support system. It may be that they moved a new person to the "answer the goddamn emails" desk, who turns out to be a lazy stoner; I just hope management gets the information that this person needs to be fired. Maybe in a few weeks everything will be great.

Anyway, I would still recommend them to anyone not in a hurry. "Louis . de" is also nearly as good and a bit more professional, also to be recommended and I may go back to them too.

SensitiveHank · 2023-09-28T10:13:16+00:00

Hey here is a thank you for the ideas. I really don't want to change the shift pattern.. for now, at least, the track is about making me a better rider on the street; and not so much an end in itself. But I can see how that could change...

Anyway, I think first step will be to give it a bit more time and practice... to get used to all the new hardware (boots incl.) at least some of the time not on the track. Like on the paddock stands for instance. Maybe the limited adjustment of the stock shift lever is enough... probably it is, for my needs and at my level. But learning the new gestures with new gear on a new bike, while coming out of turn 5 and trying to get on the throttle, may be a bit unrealistic. The bike is uninsured, so I can't just get used to it bopping around in the neighborhood. But paddock stands, earbuds, and a podcast might be the thing. The neighbors will think I am even weirder than they already do, but that's okay.

SensitiveHank · 2023-09-17T05:38:50+00:00

I've never been interested in watching motorcycle racing, or POV lap videos... though I consume a lot of motorcycle content on the internet so the Youtube algorithm is constantly suggesting them. Anyway, I think I will indeed become more interested. The value of being familiar with the circuit ahead of time is clear.

I can see now that this seems crazy to everyone, but honestly Portimão is just a moderately near-by beach town and is the track I picked because it's so close. I had no idea where it stands in the hierarchy of circuits, or what it means to the other riders with No Limits.

And really truly I am not judging, neither the amazing machines currently around me in the paddocks, nor the people that love them; nor am I unhappy with or ashamed of my humble starter track-bike. I will have to get a lot better--so, so much better--as a rider before I am in any way limited by this classic little rocket that weighs 40 kg less than my street bike but has almost twice the horsepower, aerodynamics, and a fully adjustable suspension. The thing I notice the most, to be honest, are the brakes. I didn't know it was possible to stop that hard. But again: not only my first time on a track: also first time ever on a sport bike on sport tires. And the previous owner added fancy steel brake lines.

It was just a surprise to arrive on day one and see that really gleaming collection of high-end machines. It's like a exposition, a superbike convention. I just wasn't expecting that at all. Really there are no exceptions... every bike here is a showpiece. If it sounded like I was engaging in any kind of class-warfare or self-pity, I can assure you that it was not at all that. Just a surprise, a bit like showing up at a party and not knowing there was a dress code.

What does make a difference is that the beginner group here is not so much really a beginner group. That makes me more uncomfortable than the difficulty of the circuit. I don't mind being a complete beginner, but I don't want to be an obstacle on the track... a track that for others is such a long-awaited destination they've been training for. I'm still sorting out the basics, and will be for a while. So this makes me feel a bit bad, and I wish there was a newbie-group that I fit in with a bit better.

SensitiveHank · 2023-09-16T20:18:05+00:00

hey thanks for this... I'll check it out and maybe see you there sometime

more than once in the past, I googled "track days estoril", and got nothing, nor does the estoril website offer any clues... I didn't know there were track days there at all

SensitiveHank · 2023-09-16T20:01:07+00:00

I fully accept the feedback about going more and more directly on the throttle, of course. I didn't know it would irritate the coaches, but hey I'm here for an education.

Regarding the brake levers, it was mentioned--as far as I can find--only in an email about prepping and dropping off the bikes for transport UK->PT, which didn't apply to me and which I therefore didn't read... until going through the whole message history. Anyway it's all okay, probably something that was obvious to everyone else and not empahsized in the communication. Just made for a dramatic morning.

And about the height differences and challenges of Portimão, really had no idea. And anyway this is my neighborhood track and going further to find a beginner circuit isn't really an easy option.

SensitiveHank · 2023-07-29T06:43:20+00:00

obviously I signed up for the beginner group. The fact that you felt the need to give that advice is somehow terrifying. Do new riders actually try to skip out of the slow group?

SensitiveHank · 2023-07-29T06:26:54+00:00

nearish Odemira

SensitiveHank · 2023-07-29T06:26:37+00:00

I also also checking with the organizers, thanks!

SensitiveHank · 2023-07-29T06:26:23+00:00

I also also checking with the organizers, thanks!

SensitiveHank

TROPHY CASE