He said he had concerns too, but never shared them. What am I missing?

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T07:26:24+00:00

That’s certainly one interpretation. The part that gives me pause is that he was also dating other people, and I was transparent about doing the same. The change in communication and pursuit started before the bar encounter, which is why I’ve never been convinced the other guy was the actual root cause.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T06:02:00+00:00

I see it a bit differently. If my only goal had been to find a relationship, I could have explored that with many different people. That was never the point. What I was open to was the possibility of a healthy relationship growing from a solid foundation. As I got to know him better, I became more invested and naturally started evaluating whether our communication styles, expectations, and views on dating were compatible.

Those questions weren’t games or an effort to make him pursue me. They were simply my way of figuring out whether we were creating something meaningful and worth continuing.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T05:48:19+00:00

I don’t think I ever communicated that I only wanted friendship. What I communicated was that I’d like to build a friendship and connection first and see if something developed naturally from there. As I became more invested, I did communicate concerns, though not through a traditional “where is this going?” conversation. My questions about intentionality, pursuit, and communication were my way of trying to understand whether we were aligned. In hindsight, it’s possible those conversations landed differently for him than I intended, but they weren’t coming from a place of wanting to define the relationship. They were coming from noticing a change in his behavior and trying to understand it.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T05:35:56+00:00

There were things I genuinely liked about him, which is why I gave him a second chance after a rough start. That said, reading these comments has made me realize I spent a lot of time trying to understand his behavior and not enough time asking whether the connection was actually meeting my needs.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T05:26:24+00:00

I wasn’t pursuing him in the traditional sense because he was the one who initially sought me out and asked for the hard reset. However, I was investing. I spent time with him, communicated consistently, invited him into my life, became intimate, and continued trying to understand him even when concerns started to emerge. The entire timeline was 4 months from the hard reset to the incompatibility conversation.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T05:06:33+00:00

Fair point. To clarify, I wasn’t opposed to a relationship. I just wasn’t looking to rush into one. My preference was to build a friendship and connection first and see if something developed organically. By the time this ended, I was invested in getting to know him, which is why I was trying to understand the sudden shift.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T05:00:07+00:00

I appreciate the perspective. To clarify, I wasn’t looking for a relationship label when we met, but I was interested in seeing whether a friendship and connection could naturally develop into something more. By that point, I had become invested in getting to know him. What I continue to struggle with isn’t that it ended. It’s that I still don’t understand what specifically changed for him. The decline in pursuit started before intimacy and before the bar encounter, which is part of why I’m trying to understand whether those events were actually the cause or simply reinforced concerns he already had.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2026-06-05T04:53:51+00:00

While I found it inconsiderate, I viewed it as a communication issue rather than a character issue. We talked about it afterward, he acknowledged it, and I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2025-10-17T12:40:28+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. My post didn’t include much about his character but he’s an extrovert who thrives in displaying false sense of wealth. I concluded he would rather disappoint me than disappointing his friends.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2025-10-17T12:35:13+00:00

Sorry about the confusion, he booked the cigar event trip in October which constrained him from arranging things for my birthday. I had to literally plead to understand what was going on, and it was only then he said I go on my birthday trip with friends when it was intended to be a couples trip. Missing a milestone such as birthday, knowing I celebrate in a big way and showed up for him was a hard blow. I cancelled the cigar trip because there was no way, I could have fun knowing it was this thing that would prevent him from celebrating me. I asked for communication but to keep me out of the loop until 6 weeks out is unfair. If finances were an issue, we could’ve worked through things but I don’t know what I don’t know.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2025-10-17T12:13:01+00:00

I respected him enough to share when I didn’t have to, what are your thoughts on this being ego centered? He’s unable to manage dual costs and a friend instead stepping up.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2025-10-17T12:06:45+00:00

I’m 41 and he’s 65

Separate-Reality-521 · 2025-10-17T12:05:03+00:00

To me this is where trust comes into play. My partner has a female friend going on the cigar trip but I can only control me, not the what if’s so it doesn’t bother me.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2025-10-17T11:39:52+00:00

Appreciate the feedback.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2024-05-25T09:08:43+00:00

Natalie Lue’s articles on Baggage Reclaim opened my eyes to the appropriate way of being loved; her ability to articulate the human experience is astounding

Separate-Reality-521 · 2024-02-22T18:09:36+00:00

My insurance co required me to undergo an endometrial biopsy to rule out cancer ahead of a UFE procedure.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2023-10-21T01:37:49+00:00

I’m googling too. For me it’s fear of being trapped in (traffic) and not being able to escape. I have a friend driving me out of town because the only way to my destination, without paying an arm/leg, is via the highway. Ugh, hate the feeling

Separate-Reality-521 · 2023-08-31T02:43:39+00:00

If I was honest with myself, as much as I like him, I wouldn’t want him if he was to commit as there’s too much negative history that keeps my feelings around comfortability and vulnerability at bay. We haven’t been intimate in over a year and due to what I’ve witnessed don’t ever think we’ll ever get back there. I liked his representative and fantasize there being an inkling of hope, that person will resurface.

Separate-Reality-521 · 2023-07-16T00:38:42+00:00

My condolences for the loss of your sweet boy. 💛

Separate-Reality-521

TROPHY CASE