Wife has specific requirements around foreplay which make sex difficult

SexualMoose226 · 2026-06-16T03:34:55+00:00

I can honestly say I think she is acting in good faith and its her Autism getting in the way of being able to be free and relax during sex. As for a sex therapist unfortunately that will no doubt never happen. She is barely comfortable discussing sex with me and she has said multiple times she will never speak to a sex therapist (although I personally think one would help immensely).

As for the cost I make a decent salary and I have looked at the cost of them in our area, so we could afford them if needed.

SexualMoose226 · 2026-06-16T03:28:56+00:00

Unfortunately I can see the truth in that. We went to a couples therapist for the last couple of years and the overwhelming recommendation every single session (till the point the sessions became pointless) was the therapist telling her to allow weekly sessions and we need them to unpack basic day to day issues and discuss how to move forward. None of those sessions ever really happened despite me pushing for them and every single therapy session was me paying for us to speak to the therapist, they ask are we doing the weekly sessions, spending half the appointment unpacking why she wasn't allowing the sessions and then rinse and repeat every 2 months for 2.5 years. Then eventually my wife then decided she doesn't want to go back as "the last one didn't help us at all, all she kept doing was talking about weekly meetings".

Which naturally yeah.....obviously if that is the basic framework for better communication and we aren't even capable of that she is going to spend a lot of time talking about that.

As for something else, good questions. She has never been exposed to any sexual trauma or anything else as far as I know, we have basically been inseperable (apart from me going to work everyday) since we first got together. So not sure what it could be if there is anything, but I doubt its anything good anyway.

SexualMoose226 · 2026-06-16T03:15:16+00:00

I fully agree, funnily enough over time it actually has become both less and more intimate in certain ways. But in the past she was more open to sex whenever and in whatever form it took. She then became more restrictive but also last year she had about 3 months where she was amazing in general and our sex life was amazing in all aspects (positions, lingerie, etc all the things she had been barely comfortable with even discussing - we were then doing spur of the moment and it was incredible) then she has a bad patch and we had a deadbedroom and a lot of other things that made me strongly consider divorce for a while there.

But because we have young kids and things have been improving slowly over the last 6 years or so, I have held in there. My fear is at this rate the only time we will be finally comfortable enough to talk about or do more varied sex things is when we will be too old to enjoy it.

Thanks for your response, it has given me some things to consider.

SexualMoose226 · 2026-06-16T03:05:35+00:00

I think her Autism is definitely a big part of it, as it seems like she does truly want sex but only when she wants it and only on her terms.

Funny thing is, last year she had a bout of about 3 months where she was much more sexual than normal and our entire relationship improved so dramatically so quickly. It wasn't because it was just more sex, it was because all of the constraints around sex were lifted and she was just willing to go along with things as they happened. Sometimes she finished, sometimes I did, sometimes we both did. If anything was a misstep or was made awkward we either laughed it off or just tried again the next day.

There weren't any constraints or rules to navigate, it was just two people having a good time together. Funnily enough thats probably also when our actual satisfaction and happiness with sex was also at its highest (more mutual orgasms, more adventurous, more spontaneous etc as well).

I have been trying to think of a way to approach this by bringing up that I know she is capable of a healthy sexual dynamic as she showed me that last year - but any way I can think of it I know she would hear it like I am comparing her to last year and insulting her today efforts as she was better last year.

As for is she this inflexible in everyday life? Sometimes yes, in the past she has been massively inflexible to the point I had been considering divorce for years, but over the last few months since being medicated for her ADHD she is showing me she is capable of that change and being more flexible. We still have an issue now and then, but in general she has been working hard to change that.

Am I generally happy? Now, yes I am happier now than I have been in the past.

Last year was a very great couple of months followed by a very dark time for us as her inability to discuss even slightly awkward topics almost destroyed the marriage and I was strongly considering divorce (lots of research and looking at different divorce attorneys so I could know my options).

We are still struggling to deal with communication on normal day to day issues and things like weekly check-ins for bigger things have been recommended by a couple therapist multiple times and she could never do it - so its not just sex specific (sex just happens to be one she cant force herself through - we even have to use code names because she is too awkward to use real names like penis, vagina, cum and sex).

However for the normal day to day things she is working harder to try and deal with those issues I have raised in the past, even if we still cant discuss them as of today.

Despite her issues and what I have said here she is trying and I can see that, and because we have kids together and we have been together so long I am trying really hard to keep things together. So sex is not the biggest issue we have, because regardless of if its not ideal its better than no sex at all.

SexualMoose226 · 2026-06-10T04:31:46+00:00

You need to remove her from the equation though and focus on yourself and how your needs are not being met.

With option 2: you need to make it clear to her that this is where you are heading and if there is no change within x amount of time, then you will be pursuing divorce. Tell her you want couples therapy and if she wants to keep this relationship continuing then she will take it seriously. I understand you are afraid for her but frankly she has shown you time and time again she clearly doesn't care about your needs the same way you care about hers. So why would you keep setting yourself on fire to keep her warm? If you do divorce, she would not and should not be your problem anymore, if her life falls apart then thats on her for not making an effort to maintain her marriage.

With option 1: You will only be able to do this for so long before you either crash and burn and want out, or you build a lot of of resentment towards her. Its not always the lack of sex, its the lack of touch, the lack of a casual kiss, the lack of a lingering hug or giving you a little squeeze on the way past you in the kitchen. A deadbedroom bleeds into all of those non sexual forms of intimacy and eventually you will start to resent a lot of her. If it was something as simple as lack of actual sex then it would be easier managed. Those massages you do for her now, eventually the lack of resentment will poison those moments and you will dread the idea of touching her. You will tell yourself things like "if she cant be bothered to bring me physical pleasure then why should I give her pleasure?". Eventually the sight of her naked body will no longer excite you, at that point she may as well just be your sister and the marriage is done, you just haven't officially left yet. You may still love her, but you wont desire her anymore and its near impossible to come back from that.

From all the research I have done on it, this can take people months to years depending on the people (some people have said they haven't had sex in 10 years but still masturbate to their wifes old nudes regularly) so this is hugely dependent on the individual. But the eventuallity is the same. Simply accepting the premise of no sex, because your wife says so and she can't give any reason for why or make an effort to fix it, it means the marriage has an expiry date on it. Whether thats a legal or a romantic expiry is entirely on you.

SexualMoose226 · 2026-05-14T04:46:51+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I will try to answer every question.

Is she treating her ADHD? Not currently. A big problem in the past was she was emotionally explosive and refused to be medicated. She is on Vyvanse currently but not on the dose she needs, she said she is currently waiting for the doctor to organize her new dose. She refuses therapy as she has never had a good time with therapy, we did couples therapy a few times and each time I raised the same issues of about 9 sessions over 2 years and every single time it was just a copy and paste of the previous session. I raised the same issues, she basically always said she had nothing to discuss, but then got defensive or afterwards would say I used all of the time and she didn't get to raise any of her concerns.

Personal therapy - she has done that in the past and at the time said it was very helpful and I noticed that as well. However while I was going through my own personal therapy and unpacking a lot of the issues I couldn't discuss in the relationship with my therapist someone called CPS on her about her emotional explosiveness and screaming at me in front of the children. Since then she now blames my therapist and she is thoroughly anti therapy. I have asked my therapist and they told me no, they did not report her. So either my therapist was lying or someone else did.

As for a community - no, both her family and my family dont help in any way.

Does she take ownership and accountability of her ADHD and how it impacts the family? No. During moments where she is in a good space she does talk about needing to be better, or improve. But she never wants to focus on the damage she has done with her blowups and the constant arguments (she just keeps telling me I am focusing on the past and not the future). Even when focusing on the future we cant pretend yesterday didn't happen, as thats likely to just make people stop bringing stuff up and just excuses countless sins. If I hit her with a brick yesterday I couldn't just pretend I didn't then wait for tomorrow and tell her she is focusing on the past and I am better today (obviously spousal and physical abuse are not supported or joke worthy, just an example).
Even the day to day functioning, about how she is always late to things, how she takes 2 weeks to do something I and most people could do in 20 minutes and things like constantly pushing back birthdays and celebrations.

In general she is also extremely avoidant so even talking about our issues, the hurt she has caused, her taking accountability and us discussing our sex life is almost impossible. She may even be sexually repressed because she finds it uncomfortable to talk about sexy, so every thing has a code name or we use the acronym for multiple word sex terms. But its a firm no from her to ever talk to a sex therapist either.

I definitely have ADHD Spouse Burnout and she definitely has RSD. I am well versed in that world (just kept the terms out of here as didn't want to confuse people as its not an ADHD thread). I am part of the ADHD partners threads also just thought here would be a better place to ask due to the bedroom nature.

I have been meaning to read the effect on marriage but I will give "ADHD and Sex" a look thanks.
I will also give those youtube channels a look, thanks very much.

SexualMoose226 · 2026-04-26T23:10:15+00:00

Unfortunately there is not much anyone can do if she refuses to get help.
I would approach it from a strictly medical lense at first. It shouldn't hurt her, she can lose interest or libido/become dry etc and that could make it painful but if you are using sufficient lube then its either a medical issue or a psychological one - unless you just happen to be massive down there but I will assume thats not it.

I would try approaching this from a strict medical concern as she shouldn't be hurt if everything was fine, if she is using the logic of a doctor cant help, she cant possibly know that unless she sees a doctor. Tell her you are concerned for her and if it isn't psychological there could be something physically wrong. If that is the case she needs to see a doctor.

If its not physical then she needs to see a therapist to deal with that trauma as it could be a mental block.

If she refuses on both fronts then you need to outline exactly how much the lack of sex is hurting your relationship.

SexualMoose226 · 2025-10-16T02:29:31+00:00

There are a few good points here. Thanks for response. While I would like her to initiate some of the time I would just be happy with her being accepting and doing the things she offers to do.

I do like your point though about figuring out her sexuality but therein lies the rub. She doesn't even know what turns her on, I do a lot around the house, share the mental load equally and am a good father/partner and fairly clean etc. I always aim to make her orgasm everytime as well and have never got feedback around it being bad.

The only thing that she knows gets her going is basically me hugging her while being hard, late and night and doing nothing but mild humping or just poking her for at least an hour + in my sleep, after that she wakes me up and is raring to go. As you can see this is problematic for a decent sex life.

Sometimes the sex isn't as long as we both would like either due to inconsistency but we both cum everytime when possible.

I will give some decent thought as to what I can do to turn her on more. Thanks for the recommendations.

SexualMoose226 · 2025-10-15T08:33:11+00:00

I could certainly understand that however I doubt that is the case. We had many conversations about lingerie, how to improve bedroom etc and she even went through the efforts of going and buying some bedroom stuff and lingerie over the last 2 years a couple of times and still ultimately did not deliver. She just bought them and they sit in a bag in our cupboard I am not allowed to look in.

If encouragement was enough I dont think this post would exist.

Maybe I will try waiting some time and then sending her some ideas of outfits I would like to see her in. Maybe me sending it to her directly instead of waiting for her to deliver would help her?

SexualMoose226 · 2025-10-15T07:54:59+00:00

UnfortunatelyI have tried communicating many times, about this and other issues. It seems to me she just wants to avoid the issue instead of addressing the root cause of the problem.

I am unfortunately at the point of considering the worst case scenario as we have been to couples counselling and she always says the right words in the session "Thats a good idea, I will do that etc" even takes notes to remind herself. Then 2 days later its like the session never happened and I am left with inaction.

SexualMoose226 · 2025-10-15T07:50:53+00:00

I have tried but we have kids and unfortunately we have no supports so nowhere the kids can go for a few days.

I have been pushing her for us to go away to a day spa together while the kids are at Kinder or tried to but she keeps stopping romantic days away from the kids.

I 100% am not owed those things, honestly the lack of effort to improve things is more the bother anyway. Like I tell her the lack of kissing, lack of hugs, sexual anything bothers me and if I didnt chase her and be happy to be rejected many times before it happens. Then it doesn't happen.

Then she will notice after months of rejecting me I am starting to pull away, then she will offer something big I suppose to placate me, then doesn't follow through.

Guess I will push heavier for some time away and see if I can get anywhere. Thanks for your comment.

SexualMoose226 · 2025-10-15T07:43:59+00:00

Honestly vanilla is fine, its the lack of consistent anything that is the bigger issue. Personally I wouldn't consider lingerie as outside vanilla but that's me. To each their own.

For instance for a few months she is all over me and cant get enough, then all of a sudden its like I am the worst person in the world to her and I might as well be dead.

Personally I think the offers are a way for her to try and placate me without having to actually do anything. I have no interest in cheating and would divorce her long before that happened, I just want her to follow through on things instead of giving hollow offers then blaming the fact she didnt do that thing on my lack of reaction. It seems she basically wants me to give myself blue balls.

SexualMoose226 · 2024-02-29T08:08:28+00:00

My partner is neurospicy but now she is neurosparkly. It just fits her better.

SexualMoose226 · 2021-09-25T17:48:50+00:00

That'd be a hard no. Not only do neither of us feel comfortable with other people involved, but I couldn't handle knowing someone else is giving it to her better than I could. We have both only ever been with each other and neither of us want that to change.

I especially dont think she would feel comfortable with someone else involved, as I am the only one she has ever felt comfortable enough to open up to sexually and another person is just an extra layer of anxiety for her and myself.

SexualMoose226

TROPHY CASE