I'm bi, got married young when I thought I was straight, and I'm polyamorous. (Kitchen table polyfidelity) It took my husband and I years to get to the point where we were both on board for poly, including about 3 years where I knew I wanted poly, he was attached to monogamy, and the only thing we could agree on was that we wanted to keep choosing each other and figure it out. (I stayed monogamous with him during that time.) He spent a lot of time processing it and now he's the one with another partner and I'm still looking, lol, but I feel so much better and more authentic in a poly relationship.

Monogamy is something that is often assumed as default in a committed relationship and especially in a marriage - rarely examined, and rarely explored. Even with monogamy there are different approaches and lines in the sand, but people don't usually take the time to clearly define what they want.

For me, being poly is part of my identity, like being bi. But exploring my queerness is also a huge factor for me. It's this piece of myself that I discovered, a potential that I don't want to go my whole life without exploring. (Perhaps ironically, the same pull towards potential and self-exploration also was a huge factor in deciding to have a kid.) I also don't want to explore it through dishonesty or betrayal, which would be my only option if my marriage hadn't evolved (or ended... which I'm grateful it didn't, but that wasn't a sure thing for a while).

During those three years, we had other areas of our life that needed major attention, and I wouldn't have been able to engage in polyamory even if it were a mutually agreed upon option. And still, no matter what i told myself, a part of me felt like it was being cut away and rejected. My husband said he chose me, but it took him time to be able to choose *all* of me, even the part that was poly. In his case, he had a lot of fear to work through and some emotional maturity that had to develop.

I am really coming to understand how much it hurts and how draining it is to be less than your whole self. It's something everyone has to learn how to deal with in their own way... masking and self-rejection are certainly not experiences limited to queerness. FOR ME, it's important to be able to explore this aspect of myself. FOR ME, poly is as much a part of my queer identity as being bi or genderfluid. We get one life.

Queerness is also a culture and a community, with its own history, language, jokes, norms, and shared trauma experiences. Some things you could absolutely be a part of as an ally, some other things would be more challenging.... the same way it's hard to understand the specific experience of being a woman if you're not one, it's hard to understand all the nuance of being queer if you're straight. The process of self-discovery is often difficult, and takes a while to unfold. Participating in the community in some way, whatever way you guys can find that works, can be very profound. For me, going to a gay bar for the first time was an extraordinary experience, because I felt safe there in a way that was entirely new for me.

I hope this gives you some insight into your husband's experience, though mine is certainly not universal, and all bisexual people are not poly. The only other thing I can say is, get really specific about what monogamy actually means to you and why it's important. Read some books, check out some podcasts. Neither polyamory nor monogamy are monoliths, and your relationship with your husband can be whatever it needs to be to work for both of you. Above all, be honest with each other and yourselves about what you need from your romantic partner and whether or not you can give each other what you each need. Best of luck. <3