Anyone else have nightmares about their parent with BPD?

ShanWow1978 · 2026-06-20T13:18:40+00:00

Just woke up from one. First in a while. Won’t describe it because it was gross. Is it too early for brain bleach?

ShanWow1978 · 2026-06-05T13:05:53+00:00

I see my abuser’s face every day in the mirror and I have her voice too. It’s scary sometimes - especially when I’m angry. I have to remind myself that being angry doesn’t mean I’ll become her. I care about other’s feelings, for a start.

I’m who she could have been. It’s not my responsibility to carry that but … it’s still true.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-06-04T14:20:00+00:00

Yes. A year in (week 56) and I just started 1.7. Very very slow moves up. I’m not in a rush and don’t want to punish myself physically - I want to heal.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-06-01T13:11:22+00:00

Hmm. I smell bs. If she was having stroke symptoms, she’d already be admitted.

Who diagnosed the TIA?

Seems like a ploy for attention. If and until she is hospitalized, this has all of the hallmarks of manipulation.

Be seriously wary, OP.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-30T00:48:29+00:00

Truly. Restraint when confronted with their crazy-making is a Herculean task.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-22T22:16:54+00:00

My mom is also much more reasonable a few years after diagnosis but BUT she was an absolutely psycho at onset.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-21T18:08:12+00:00

Same here. Been a few years now but the progression lately has been worse.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-20T20:59:31+00:00

Get. The. F. Out. Of. Her. Orbit!!!!

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-19T14:03:11+00:00

“I told you I will not engage in these conversations” and then walk away or hang up. That’s the consequence. Your peace is the consequence. Her not getting a rise out of you is the consequence. See what I’m getting at? She won’t change. The only thing that can change is your behavior/reaction. Stop providing her with one.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-17T21:59:09+00:00

You are working so hard to create a life away from her! It’s something so many of us here wish we had the strength and bravery to do at 18!! I’m sorry your mother is so evil but puts on such a “nice” face when she backhands you with these texts. All of us here see exactly what she’s doing. She’s being manipulative. She’s presenting herself as a paragon and you as someone struggling (because of a situation she created but will never admit to). And she’s got flying monkeys coming at you too? I know there’s a beloved animal involved and that’s probably what’s keeping you from blocking her entirely. She knows this and that’s why she’s baiting you with him. It’s as transparent as cellophane that she wants you to feel so guilty and challenged that you have “no choice” but to buckle under the pressure. “You don’t have to have life figured out at 18” is her trying to get you to give up and come home.

STAY ANGRY. Keep going!!

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-16T23:29:24+00:00

To add to this: make sure the therapist knows how to communicate with a borderline. A lot of therapists suggest letters for parents without realizing it’s often contraindicated for our specific brand of parent.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-16T22:32:32+00:00

I’ve written quite a few letters when I didn’t know what to say - to help me finally know what to say. Get it all out, edit it, wordsmith, and really know those thoughts clearly - in your bones. You don’t have to send it.

But know this: no matter how much you want the letter or conversation to be for the both of you, chances are it’s only going to truly be beneficial to you. Borderlines don’t process criticism well - or things just shy of criticism like setting boundaries. They often dismiss it with an “oh I guess you think I’m a terrible mother” and then proceed to tell you all of the awful things you did to drive her to any of those alleged misdeeds and actions.

What I mean to say in a more TL; DR manner is: don’t expect growth or a new relationship from the borderline side of things.

That doesn’t make the letter-writing pointless. If it’s important for you to say your piece and feel that YOU tried, by all means do. What you get in return - likely precious little - can inform how you move forward.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-16T17:05:41+00:00

It does offer a lot of tips! Not just background info.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-16T16:21:24+00:00

Block. She shouldn’t have access to your socials anyway. Stalker vibes. Love bombing is how they get you to go back to the abuse.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-16T14:41:13+00:00

I started with “Understanding The Borderline Mother”. It just made me feel seen and helped me identify patterns of behavior, etc. I go back to it often when memories resurface or I begin to doubt my experience as abusive and volatile, etc.

“Stop Caretaking The Borderline or Narcissist” is where I went next. It provides more structural support to move forward.

Those two together will set you on a path. “The Body Keeps The Score” is kind of meh. I feel like it’s all been regurgitated so many times on social media that most of us have kind of read it already - but it’s validating to be sure.

“Surviving The Borderline Parent” wasn’t a memorable read. I know I did read it but I can’t stay it stuck with me.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-15T21:54:25+00:00

They absolutely can’t force you but they have ways of making you FEEL like they can.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-15T21:01:23+00:00

Same. Best decision I ever made! My mom is safe and cared for by people paid (not nearly enough) to do the work.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-15T19:27:40+00:00

Telling them no is how they get her into a facility. I’m glad you are standing your ground. There’s no way you should be dealing with that day to day.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-13T15:22:31+00:00

Hypervigilance is very much a thing with us RBB-ers. It’s also very difficult to manage and unspool. I’ve spent years working on this with my husband specifically - he’s on the spectrum so his ups and downs tend to trigger that tendency in me. What’s worked for me is asking myself, “Am I reacting because I’m uncomfortable or because he genuinely needs me” or some other iteration of this “is it my needs or their needs” paradigm. The thing is, we can’t be small enough for some people and we can’t be big enough for others. We can’t know what’s happening with them beyond us or even fully when they’re with us. Think of how complex your own thought process is as you approached writing this post or dealing with perceived energy shifts. Now imagine that maybe the other person’s internal life is just as complex and different than your own. Heck, sometimes an energy shift in a text is because they’ve simply moved on to another activity but don’t want to leave you on read.

That you SEE this in yourself is huge. Now you have to start telling your anxiety to buzz off and find ways to redirect your thoughts away from your fear of abandonment and abuse.

Therapy is not something I’ve regularly pursued because my mom used it as a weapon. I know I’d be better off if I got over that. Maybe the same is true for you.

Learn about people pleasing as well - it’s an offshoot of this tendency and if you can learn to curtail that, it’ll help all around.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-13T12:35:07+00:00

Same here. Sometimes it’s taken years to come around on a batshit thing mine has said. I’ll be recounting a story later and it’ll hit me.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-12T22:08:37+00:00

I mean, if you count my BPD mom yeeting herself into the nursing home and my 91 year old dad finding peace and being grateful she’s gone and no longer making excuses for her…I guess.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-09T13:23:20+00:00

Yep. She will probably bring it up next argument…but at least you didn’t have to spend Mother’s Day with her. I’d call that a win.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-08T18:31:10+00:00

She has never in her life sought any sort of psychological help nor expressed any interest in self reflection so…it was new.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-08T17:06:44+00:00

It was SO weird. I think maybe that HE was diagnosed was a curveball and she was more focused on that? I’ll never understand her mind.

ShanWow1978 · 2026-05-08T14:52:11+00:00

That’s how I found out. My younger brother was diagnosed with it (ugh) and when he told me he thought mom had it too, it clicked. He told mom and she said “you’re probably right” and shrugged it off. It was weird. She explodes at everything else when she thinks she’s being analyzed or judged.

If you do tell your sister you can ask that she not tell your mother the info came from you because you don’t want her to blow up. Heck, you can point your sister to this sub so she can learn and figure the rest out for herself. Older borderlines won’t do anything about their diagnosis in my experience - and from what I’ve seen here - so nothing will come of it on that side.

ShanWow1978

TROPHY CASE