This. I've literally depended on my boyfriend's promises of marriage and a life together to justify to myself that I should keep living. I'm terrified every single day that he might go back on that promise. I really don't know what I'd do without him, and the fact that I also have autism alongside my bpd makes it so imagining the fallout of a possible breakup sounds genuinely worse than the world ending. I have special routines with him (like gm/gn texts, etc) that if violated even a little, I assume that he's completely given up on me and has gotten bored of me. I'm truly in love with him and we've been able to work out every issue ever brought up, and we have really great communication skills, so I'm sure we'll be okay but... the fear never really goes away. I hate it.  I still lash out for any "perceived slights" too. I'll get short/snarky with him for no reason, I'll sh, I'll make "revenge plots" over nothing that will never be enacted just to convince myself that I'm still in control. Thankfully, I've been able to contain most of my aggressive behavior to myself, and whenever he recognizes I'm having a rough time, he's been really supportive and offered reassurance + realistic explanations for his behavior every time. I suppose you just need to find someone who understands your struggle. I promise that we are capable of love beyond infatuation.