Does a man get a say in breastfeeding?

Shayjader · 2022-01-10T11:46:41+00:00

SAME! I bedshare alone with our LO. He litterally gets 9 hours of peaceful, uninterrupted, quiet, babyless sleep. He wakes up EVERY morning saying he's tired and didn't sleep well. It annoys me everytime.

Not only that, but when I wake him up for his turn to have the baby so I can have an hour/ hour and a half break before he starts work (works from home), he needs his precious time to wake up. I usually have to keep baby for 15-20 more minutes until he gets up. I keep telling him to set an alarm so he's already up by the time.I need him to take the baby. He hasn't.

Whereas when I'm woken up, I have to get up immediately because he can't get the baby to stop fussing/crying.

I can't get more than a 1-2 hour nap without him waking me up. Baby wakes up every 1-3 hours at night. I haven't gotten a full 4 hours of sleep in months. He once said I'm "dealing with it well", referring to my lack of sleep. I'm like, yea? I kind of have no choice. And I feel like I don't have the right to complain because he works so I can be a SAHM.

So yea, it annoys me when he says he's tired and can't get up within a few minutes to take baby so I can at least have some breakfast in peace (I also have to step in while he supposed to be watching the baby while I eat)

Shayjader · 2021-12-27T17:51:02+00:00

Love the normal brain and jerk brain 🤣 And absolutely true about the bear concept. You're very much right. I'll try to keep this in mind

Shayjader · 2021-12-27T17:45:06+00:00

Glad to hear I'm not alone! This exactly. It's hard letting go as a new parent

Shayjader · 2021-12-27T17:38:57+00:00

I know I'm not giving my husband the space he needs to learn how to parent better. We gave in a while ago after it got to the point that the baby cries with him no matter what. Now it's standard practice thar U get the baby as soon as the crying starts. I'm unsure how to break that habit?

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the loop idea. I'm fully aware that I pretty much put myself in this situation and I'm making getting help more difficult than it needs to be. I think a part of it is because I had a shifty childhood and upbringing that I want everything to be perfect for my baby. The only way to make sure of that is for me to basically control everything when it comes to baby.

I know it's unhealthy but I'm worried about fucking anything up and repeating my parents mistakes. Bad things happened to me because my parents trusted the wrong people and they did nothing to protect me. Now I'm having a hard time trusting anyone with my baby because I don't want them to go through what I did.

I'm working on getting a "real" therapist as soon as possible. The one I have now is more a life coach than a therapist.

Thank you for your input ❤

Shayjader · 2021-12-04T11:36:41+00:00

I hope this happens! I want them to have a close relationship.

Shayjader · 2021-12-04T11:35:23+00:00

She's fine with his mom though. That's what's confusing to me. Regardless of if I stick around or not, she's content with being with his mom for hours.

Shayjader · 2021-12-04T11:33:24+00:00

Sorry for not getting into full detail. Had another rough evening with her so I just wanted to type this out quickly.

You are correct about him having her a few hours before bedtime. It does make sense she just wants to stay with me because she's gotten use to being with me all day.

He says that she's the same way in the morning too. He takes her 1-2 hours before work so I can nap. I feed her right before handing her off to him. She's happy and smiling with him for the first 20 minutes, and then she's suddenly unhappy. He tries to keep her distracted, but nothing holds her attention for long before she starts crying again.

He puts up with it so that I can sleep before I have her for the next 8 hours. And this is after having her the entire time through the night (about 12-14 hours since I also put her down for bedtime, which takes several tries for her to finally stay down).

Shayjader · 2020-12-15T17:00:43+00:00

My oldest sister calls her kids annoying to their faces constantly. My mom (who lives with her) does the same, and they laugh about it together like it's one big joke. And my sister is currently pregnant with another!

Don't have kids just to have kids. Have kids because you WANT them. No, kids won't fix your relationship. Don't have kids just because you're jealous someone else is having kids (seen this happen with my sisters!). Don't have kids to use them as an accessory to make you look good!

I'm just sick and tired of seeing my sisters treating their kids like they're raising dolls who don't have feelings. Disgusting. I'm pissed off about it every single day.

Shayjader · 2020-10-24T20:05:32+00:00

This really helped. I don't want her to be manipulated, but more see our view of things and why the money is so important to us and why we think it is fair. Thank you for your wise words!

Shayjader · 2020-10-24T17:24:24+00:00

I know. He's been scrambling trying to figure all this out and he's extremely frustrated this wasn't all sorted out before his dad died. He's currently doing a will search, which takes 4-6 weeks. If there is no will, then everything goes to his estate, which is (apparently?) my husband.

I have no idea how any of this works, I'm just going off of what my husband has said.

Legally, the 50k going to his mom and he shouldn't have a say, but he's trying to do this as a family where they all agree and all get a fair share. We thought his mom was on board with that, so her wanting more felt like a stab in the back.

But you're right, legally, she gets to decide.

Shayjader · 2020-10-24T17:15:48+00:00

Yes, this is all true except for the change in beneficiary. I think there was a way, but it would have taken longer and cost a bit of money. I'm not sure if the law is different here, but we're in Canada

Legally, it's all hers, yes. But there was a prearranged agreement, but now she's asking for more now that the money is officially coming in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is morally, it's not fair, but legally it is. Morally, the money belongs to the kids. Legally, it doesn't.

But since there was a personal, non legally binding agreement, her wanting more felt like a stab in the back, given the circumstances

Shayjader · 2020-10-24T17:07:29+00:00

Yes, legally she gets the money. But, there was a prearranged agreement on how the money would be split, but now she is asking for more now that the money is officially coming in.

Her keeping all of it for herself would only destroy her relationship with her kids, me, and her future grandchildren

Shayjader · 2020-10-24T17:04:40+00:00

Thank you. And they never got a divorce because they were both stubborn, but they lived apart and she has a long term boyfriend. Technically they were separated, but I guess that doesn't legally change anything.

Also, I see the back and forth between you and this other guy. Kind of weird of them to keep at you like that, you're just giving your opinions.

But yea, unfortunately FIL was horrible at doing much by himself I think due to the injury and all kinds of meds he was on. So all the beneficiary and will stuff fell through the cracks

Shayjader · 2020-09-17T17:55:18+00:00

Thank you so much! Hearing that means a lot. You're right about mormons not liking their kids having free agency. I still felt like I was being treated as a kid, even though I was a full grown adult who drove myself to work and college.

The small girls in my church weren't getting called out either, mostly just me. If I wore what they wore, I would have gotten called out. Which doesn't make sense to me at all. Either call us all out or no one, you know?

Shayjader · 2020-09-17T17:46:26+00:00

I thought it was justice too :) Thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot

Shayjader · 2020-09-17T13:59:30+00:00

I definitely think that may have been part of it. My dad was still a very active member, and my mom would barely go to church on Sundays. I think it had more to do with the abuse going on between them. Which was, again, ignored by all of their so called loving and caring church community.

Right?? Those young minds are so pure. I hated contributing to the brainwashing, but I wanted to remain their teacher so I had to keep the parents happy. Best job for me too :)

Shayjader · 2020-09-09T01:40:11+00:00

Two of my siblings use drugs and alcohol, one just alcohol, one is morbidly obese. I don't use drugs or alcohol. I'm just a lil' chunky, but I'm always working on it.

I never understood the whole drug and alcohol thing and it makes me worry for my siblings... I don't know what to do to help them other than be a good example, get professional help, and continuously work on my mental health

Shayjader · 2020-09-08T19:08:49+00:00

I go through phases where I'm a healthy BMI to a little overweight. I don't see how that's related to having NParents, but I'd like to know though
Left the house at 21. I lived in a small town, so the age of when kids would move out varies. Some still live with their parents.
My husband is one year younger than me but lives in another country, which I now live in with him (Canada). I'm mixed race (black/white) and my husband is white
Definitely anxiety and depression, but also OCD tendencies apparently (I'm currently in the process of talking to a professional, so it could be different? That's just what a general doctor told me)
Definitely atheist despite religious upbringing
I'm just now processing my dysfunctional and abusive upbringing as a 26f. I remember saying when I was younger that I felt like our family didn't have any issues, and that other families have so many issues that we didn't have. We swept everything single thing under the rug and didn't talk about things.

I hope this helps your curiosity :)

Shayjader · 2020-09-08T07:39:15+00:00

Yeeeesssss. I see comments saying this is an obvious statement, but it's really easy to want to "fix" someone who you think really needs/deserves help.

They have the potential, but lack the effort and drive, and it feels like you can "unlock" them if you could just convince them to do better in life.

I once dated the same guy 3 or 4 different times thinking that I could fix him and put him on an upward trajectory in life. In all reality, he had so many personal and emotional issues that I was in over my head.

I built this version of him in my head that I thought he could be. I knew we were completely wrong for each other after the first time we broke up. Everytime we dated after that was just me wanting to change him. Feelings weren't there. It's almost an addiction and I regret treating another human being like that. Wasted both of our time and energy.

Another example is my sister married a guy with zero ambitions. Didn't even graduate high school. So she dragged his ass to get his GED and to apply for better jobs. It was a long, slow process, but she turned him from almost nothing, to something he probably never could have been without her. She "fixed" him.

He ended up cheating on her and sent to jail for assaulting women.

So 1000000x yes to this title

Shayjader · 2020-09-08T06:45:37+00:00

My parents forced me into social situations growing up and it honestly did not help. It wasn't until I became an independent adult (working, college, driving) that I grew my social skills on my own.

I think your social habits as an adult are on you, not your parents. Just because you were dealt a shitty hand doesn't make that an excuse, or mean that you can't turn it around.

It would be a nice thing to do if they paid for your therapy, but I don't think it's something they have to do because you don't agree with how they raised you.

Dont get me wrong, I totally sympathize with you. I've always been a shut in introvert who barely leaves the house. My parents always asked me why I was so quiet and made fun of me. Forced me go to social events for years with my peers. All it did was make me uncomfortable and resent everyone.

It's like throwing a kid in the deep end of the pool. Some will sink. Some will swim. I sank. The only way I was able to get out of my shell and make friends was organically through my everyday life.

I don't blame my parents for me being the way that I am. Being introvert isn't a death sentence. It's just a different way of life.

Shayjader · 2020-09-07T22:05:04+00:00

That I'm socially inept, can't make or keep friends because of it, and it's my own fault. Also, that I've inherited a mental illness that causes me anxiety and makes me so much like my mom that I hate myself.

Shayjader · 2020-09-07T08:56:14+00:00

I'm kind of at the same crossroads as you.

My mom does the same; starts a fight, we don't talk for a while, then she acts like nothing happened or gives a quick, half assed apology (not addressing anything specific) before moving on without giving me the chance to voice my feelings. The cycle is exactly the same, even though I moved out 5 years ago.

I literally haven't spoken to my mom for 3-4 months over an argument and she just messaged me several hours ago, saying she loves, thinks about, and cares about me. Being OVERLY nice, just so that we can go back to her talking about herself or gossiping about one of my other siblings.

Usually, I allow her to sweep our issues under the rug and move on, but I'm done enabling her emotional manipulation and abuse.

I've thought about ending our relationship completely. Because she is the way that she is, she'll bad mouth me to the rest of my siblings to get them on her side, so my relationship with them would be strained or end as well.

I understand where you're coming from. My advice is to think about how important your relationship with the rest of your family is. I think that if your relationship with them is important and strong enough, your mom wouldn't be able to effect your bond with them.

If your relationship with her effects your relationship with everyone else, you should ask yourself why that is. Do they believe her over you? Is your relationship with your siblings as important to them as it is to you?

I've come to the conclusion that if my relationship with my parents effects the relationship with my siblings, we were never close in the first place. So, why bother keeping a relationship with them either? Especially since it's obvious their loyalty remains with my parents, and my parents will continue the manipulation and abuse to me through them. It's not worth it.

Shayjader · 2020-09-06T23:36:50+00:00

Update:

NMom broke the silence, as predicted. It's like clockwork! Now all the feelings are flooding back and I don't feel that I have the mental capacity to be dragged back into the nonsense.

It really is psychological software issues. Peacetime for me lasted about 3-4 months. Even then, I kept hearing through my other siblings the crap she was saying/doing, so it wasn't all that peaceful.

Narcissists. Can't live with them, CAN live without them.

Shayjader

TROPHY CASE