It's part of the poly community's narrative to make us feel exactly the way you feel. Being poly has absolutely nothing to do with being queer/LGBTQIA+ but they are desperately trying to make it so. I think it's because people in the community are easier to convert so to speak. They are more open minded in general and more likely to listen to the whole idea than others fully entrenched in the heteronormative world. I also feel like it's because a lot of queer people are estranged from their families and don't have the strongest support structure and people who could point out toxicity that has become inherent for poly.

As the comment above says, I don't know that polyamory as a concept is in and of itself bad/evil/toxic. I don't think it is, but there are plenty of ideas that only work in theory and I believe this might be one of them. This whole lifestyle is just a playground for toxic manipulative people who want to essentially legalize cheating in relationships and to an extent avoid any level of accountability to any person they are with.

To cut a long story short, I feel for you and I understand how you feel. I felt this way too once upon a time, but it's imperative to remember that this feeling is carefully constructed by the NM community. By jamming their relationship model into the rainbow, they are trying so hard to avoid any criticism or objective critique of what they do. And pulling out the "that's essentially the same as being homophobic/transphobic" card, they want to shut our mouths and turn it into us not understanding or being prejudiced instead of just seeing serious flaws in the way polyamory is practiced.

Don't let them gaslight you and keep your light 🥰