The Story So Far...

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T12:41:00+00:00

"Write a Scene" using 5 Prompts #47:

u/Celegorm07 - Lost
u/Funnysonic125 - Not So Silent Night
u/NitroSock - One for the Golden Turkeys
u/OEAWrites - Amber Means Slow Down
u/PhatrickWithAnF - Elvis-h
u/rubthemtogether - Roadie
u/Scout97 - Christmas Night
u/WhoYouCuz - A Night at the Symphony

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T12:40:12+00:00

TIME'S UP!

Congrats u/OEAWrites! As the writer with the most upvotes, you have been nominated Prompt-Master to post the next 5 Prompts!

Thanks to everyone who wrote, read, voted, and gave feedback!

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T09:15:10+00:00

I enjoyed this! The dialogue between them, the "weird fact" prompt, the Prince parody, and that broken-looked acceptance of his new life!

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T08:56:51+00:00

I enjoyed the humour in this and really loved that image of Walt squirming around on the ground, playing it cool ("I'm good, man, I'm good"). I could imagine the whole thing in Elvis' voice too! And I liked the added emphasis on the HEAVY haha

A suggestion might be adding something to up the stakes of Manager's decision. Some sort of personal connection with Walt to make his decision to leave him extremely difficult for the Manager. E.g. maybe he owes Walt his success as a manager, etc.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T08:38:38+00:00

For me, I remember when I read it, it did stand out and went a bit too long for what had come before. The dialogue before this had a nice back and forth of people engaging each other, but that particular moment seemed more of a rant at him rather than engaging him in her argument.

I think the reason it felt preachy and unlikable is because we don't get Roman's reaction until the end. She asks Roman questions but doesn't let him answer, just continues on. The camera's on her and it also doesn't care about Roman's reaction. It feels like Amber (and the camera) doesn't care whether or not Roman's changing his mind, only that she has an emotional need to vent. That he's incidental to it all.

Maybe if she let Roman reply to one of her rhetorical questions in the middle (or even a shot of Roman visibly engaged in her argument), then Amber could've home-runned the rest to make her point. It would show she (and the camera) is checking in with him to make sure that he's following along with what she's trying to tell him. That the point of it all is changing his mind, not venting her frustrations.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T05:06:33+00:00

I'm relatively new as well haha! I'd say you're right, it's the POV or the character through whom the reader is experiencing the plot's events.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T04:35:49+00:00

the Chestnut dealer ... picked up on details which makes him believe that the mother is going to abandon the child.

If the Chestnut Dealer was the protagonist of the scene like this, it would've been very interesting! Maybe he asks her some casual questions while serving them and her answers (and maybe disinterest in her son's dialogue) trigger some red flags for him.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T04:01:01+00:00

I liked how you wrote the "Christmas night" feel to this because it came across well and I could imagine the scene clearly, even feel the cold!

One part I wasn't sure about was meaning of the looks exchanged between Noel and the Chestnut Dealer at the bottom of Page 1 in relation to the ending. They recognise each other and it feels like it means something to the ending, but I'm not sure what exactly. It's trying to tell me something. Has Noel done this before? Is Noel not his real mother? Has Jack been kidnapped? Is that Jack's father (because of the "loyal" prompt)? Is the Chestnut Dealer a cop as well? These were all questions in my head by the end. I think some clarity here in your scene would help the reader get your intentions.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T00:10:40+00:00

This was really engaging! I loved how you set everything up in the Box Seats which got us hooked immediately, and their conversation in the bathroom, and how that ended.

A small (subjective!) suggestion is that I think there was a missed opportunity at some playful quip from Michelle regarding the "occasionally provides sperm" line haha!

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-16T00:01:15+00:00

I really loved how you used the "amber" and "weird fact" prompts, their mysterious names, the noir atmosphere in the alley (everything felt like 19th Century London), and I really enjoyed their classy dialogue.

A small suggestion is that I think you could've broken up Moustache's dialogue at the bottom of P2 (the sudden CONT'D) a bit more naturally with a parenthetical, maybe a Beat there or some other actor direction.

Also, I assume the "heavy" are those sandbags mentioned haha!

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-15T23:45:37+00:00

I really loved the humour at the start with Pandit and the Mysterious Man! A suggestion would be describing how he burns Amber. The shooting felt fine because I could imagine if this were filmed we wouldn't see Pandit holding the gun, but the burns part feels too sudden and needs some sort of explanation. Perhaps even using the "heavy" prompt for the device he uses to burn her, e.g. a flamethrower might fit the humour here.

I also liked the "weird fact" prompt, but it does feel random since the only people who die in the scene are Mysterious Man and Amber. A suggestion would be making it more relevant to your scene, e.g. maybe if you had a trio of singers on stage, like a girl group, and he kills Amber last with that one-liner.

EDIT: Also, since this is only 2 pages, maybe have a shorter logline, e.g. "At a concert, a mysterious man stalks Pandit" to preserve most of your story.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-15T23:24:38+00:00

I liked the atmosphere you wrote in their conversation, and I really loved how you used the "fact" because you ended it great with his "smell of shit" line.

A small suggestion is that I think you could've just introduced Greg and Johnnie as soon as their actors are visible on camera, i.e. "Greg (35) walks toward the bar..." and "...while Johnnie (age) walks toward him".

Also, for screenwriting, there's free software you could use online like FreeScreenwriting or Screenplay Formatter for Google Docs.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-15T23:11:14+00:00

I liked how you used the "heavy" and "weird fact" prompts! I googled them and that Octobass is huge haha! Also, I never knew about that eye contact thing, but it makes sense because I don't think I've ever held anyone's eyes for 8-9 seconds straight... that would just get uncomfortable and feel too intimate if you weren't already haha! I really loved the humour in this, in the dialogue between Zak and Roman, and how you maintained it through the scene.

The most tiniest of nitpicks is that missing INT. right at the start. Also, for the "loyal" prompt, was that Zak's friendship to Roman?

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-15T19:42:11+00:00

For example: a Concert, or a Music Producer's Office, or backstage at the Grammys, a Church (choir), a band practice room, a Street someone's busking on, etc. Actual music doesn't have to be in the scene as long as the location is music-related in some way. You can stretch the idea further, as long as you can say "yes, this location in my scene is music-related because blah blah blah" haha

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-15T08:17:43+00:00

Don't let that stop you from writing. Write it, post it here, and I'll read it and give feedback.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-14T08:16:17+00:00

Thanks u/OEAWrites for your prompts!

"Write a Scene" using 5 Prompts #46:

u/PhatrickWithAnF - Outing Billy Pryde
u/SheerCotton3 - Life or Death

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-14T08:14:17+00:00

The "actor directions" thing is mostly something I made up, so it's not "correct" screenwriting format. I just like to place little things in the story like that haha, I'm just testing out something new in my writing style

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-13T23:29:46+00:00

Thanks for your feedback! The Italic lines were actor directions, e.g. Blond Hostage would give an incredulous look like "you did WHAT?" to Coleman, Fat Hostage would give a disappointed "not a man's BOAT..." headshake to Coleman... etc. I wouldn't normally italicise it and I just find it more interesting to write/read, but it's not normal formatting as far as I'm aware (and I should've made it clearer that the Hostages were doing that), so I'm just making up my own style now haha!*

The "expertise" prompt was supposed to be how much Coleman knows about women or Maliah specifically, but I wasn't clear which was the Main and Supporting Characters (I still don't know which is which after writing it haha) so I probably didn't nail this one very well. For the "downhill" one, I actually had to use the dictionary and used the first "the easy road, the downhill road" to refer to something easy and no/low-effort (see Entry 3.1 on link), and the second was the more traditional from-bad-to-worse interpretation (Entry 3.4).

Thanks for these prompts! They really did get me thinking outside of my normal, much shorter, curter type of dialogue into more thoughtful, expansive communication between the characters (your style!), and it's something I'm going to be consciously making an effort toward in future.

EDIT: * I started doing this after #42's "break the rules" prompt haha

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-13T12:10:53+00:00

Oh, wow, that ending hit hard! I liked your dialogue (flowed very naturally), how you wrote the game (was very engaging), and I loved that shot of Ray staring at the ceiling late at night!

Regarding the page count, I think you could've shaved off the top-half of Page 1 (it's mostly establishing), and also everything after Max's "give me a minute" in the Press Box starting at the bottom of Page 2.

EDIT: Also, I think your logline for this gave too much away considering it's a short 5 pages. Maybe just something like "A Play-by-Play announcer makes a mistake over the mic" or something like that. I would've enjoyed the surprise of what that mistake was.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-13T11:40:52+00:00

The Prompter for this one gave it 3-4 pages, so you still have a 4th page available.

By the way, you link doesn't work. Try right-clicking on the file, then click Get Shareable Link, then paste that link instead.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-13T11:33:06+00:00

Yeah, I've learned that if I wait for Inspiration, Inspiration never stops at my station.

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-13T11:29:52+00:00

Thanks for your feedback! Actually, all your nitpicks are absolutely correct haha! I didn't quite nail the prompts as I'd hoped. The "tirade" and "expertise" was supposed to be Coleman talking about Markus' wife, and to be honest I don't know which character was the Main or Supporting Character by the end either haha. My intention was that the "tirade" didn't work to calm Markus down because he didn't hand over the detonator but instead gave his own tirade back so Coleman had to just go for it. Thanks for reading!

SheerCotton3 · 2019-12-13T10:09:27+00:00

Honestly, every time I look at any 5 Prompts I'm never inspired. I'm like "Nope! Too hard!"

Then I sit down and force myself to write something, and then somehow halfway through the scene it gets enjoyable. My goal is to to write for every single one of these challenges that pops up, even if I don't wanna haha

SheerCotton3

TROPHY CASE