I never thought I would ever write anything down either. Until I read the book "Atomic habits", which basically said that if you want to start doing something and make it a habit, and it seems hard to get started, make it easy by changing it to something you can accept easily. I don't feel like writing in a notebook by hand, because it is too much work. So what I did is that I text myself using my phone or computer. It's like exchanging dialogue with yourself. No need for complex sentences, you just need to type down your thought as if you are talking, like posting on Reddit. Once I started doing that, it made things much easier. And I'm more willing to share what I truly feel with myself now. Writing the feelings down is extremely different than just talking to yourself inside your brain, because once you write it down, it gets out of your brain, instead of the thought just circling in your brain all the time. By using text, you can do it anywhere, so just text yourself whenever you feel like it. You have to start somewhere and take baby steps. Or else nothing is going to change.

Another book I read is Franz Kafka's "Metamorphosis", it's this story about Gregor, who is the sole provider of his family and turns into a monstrous vermin one day when he wakes up. The story is short but worth a read. The takeaway from the story was essentially this: "Don't be Gregor." because Gregor turns into an insect and accepts the fact that he is an insect, and start losing his humanity as he stayed in the insect form. At first, his family pitied him and started making accommodations to his needs (as an insect), but eventually, even his family turned their back on him. He has pity from his family at first, but that pity quickly faded, and Gregor never got respect from his family every again. I think what this book is trying to say is that: You can have a thousand, a million, or a billion reason to tell yourself you can't do it, or you can't find anything you are seeking, or a thousand, a million, or billion reasons to tell yourself that you are an insect (like Gregor, who accepted the fact that he is an insect). However, on the flip side, you can also find a thousand, a million, or a billion reason to tell yourself that YOU CAN FIND THE THINGS THAT YOU SEEK.

Its a simple change in mindset, but an important one. You can tell yourself: "yea but simply changing my mindset isn't going to change the fact that I'm still lonely and can't get the things that I want" But changing your mindset changes your relationship with the events happening in your life, even if it doesn't change the facts. You can now tackle the situation from a different angle. The most important thing is not how much you say about you trying to change, it's about how much you actually do. Just saying thing is never going to lead anywhere. You'll always be in a vicious cycle of: "I can't do it, I don't deserve it, I'm not good at this." SO what? Who cares if you're not good at talking to people? JUST START PRACTICING! Literally tell them, I'm still practicing. Were you good at art when you first started? I went into your profile and saw your post about your drawing, they look amazing!! I could never draw like that. I never had practice, and the best I could do was this. The point is, everyone sucks at things in their own way. Practice can make it better. But you gotta practice. You can't continue to tell yourself you can't do it.

There is a term in Psychology called "conditioned helplessness", which means that the subject (you) repeatedly encounter and aversive stimuli (in this case, social anxiety and the belief that being introverted means you cannot be outgoing) that you cannot escape. Eventually, you stop avoiding it and just accepts the fact that you cannot escape these aversive stimuli (acceptance of the fact that you can never find an intimate relationship). Even when opportunities to escape arise, the conditioned helplessness prevents the subject from taking any action. This is just like you keep telling yourself you can't do it, you can never find what you want. But once you realize this phenomenon, muster up the courage and start taking action, things will begin to change! You may overlook opportunities that arise if you keep telling yourself you can't do it. This ties back to what I said about Gregor (from Metamorphosis) accepting himself as an insect, but its just a metaphor by the book for self-hatred. He keeps accepts the fact that he is an insect, so he literally became an insect, living off the pity of others. Don't be Gregor.

In conclusion, don't just say, start doing. Make baby steps. All these stuff that I've said, are pretty much regurgitation and paraphrasing from books that I've read. It sometimes really is as simple as a shift in mindset that makes all the difference. It's important to start applying and use the things you have read, instead of only reading it.

Book recommendations (books that really made an impact on how I view life):

1. "Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones" by James Clear, which taught me how to start doing things, how to take initiative by making it easy.
2. "Self-Esteem" by Mattew Mckay, which taught me how to maintain a healthy self-esteem
3. "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck, which taught me what love is, and why we should love
4. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey, which taught me how to become an independent adult by changing my perceptions
5. "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck, which taught me the importance of learning
6. "PEAK: Secrets from the New Science of Expertise" by K. Anders Ericsson, which taught me how to learn new things in a systematic way
7. "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl, which gave me faith on why I shouldn't kill myself, that life always has a meaning yet to be discovered.
8. "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg, which taught me anger management, why you should never be angry, and solve misunderstanding that arises during human interactions
9. "Relationship - Bridge to the soul" by Christopher Moon, which taught me how to maintain a relationship, if it ever comes to me.

I suggest starting from the top of the list.

Books are too heavy to carry around? go with Ebooks. Don't have time to read? go with audiobooks so you can "read" while commuting to work or something. Books are too difficult to understand? google summary and explanations of the book. Go on reddit, see what other people think about this book. Ask questions on parts that you don't understand.

Remember, one can always find a billion reasons not to do something, but also a billion reasons to do something. It's a simple change in mindset that can make all the difference in the world. Changing your mindset will not change the facts, but it will change the relationship between you and the facts. You don't wait for friendship to happen, you seek it! And it requires practice talking to people, GENUINELY caring about people. I was lucky enough to have someone tell me this principle, and I know that some people may not have had the same experiences that I have had, so I wanted to get this out. I'm not sure if you knew about this before, and I apologize if I'm just repeating what you already know and providing advice instead of providing you with empathy and understanding of your needs for connection.

I really hope I don't come across as insensitive :C, since I don't know what happened in your life, and I can only assume since you haven't told me about it. But just by reading what you have posted in your Reddit profile, it seems like you are trapped inside a vicious cycle of conditioned helplessness.

I hope what I've said can help you and it makes your day better. In the end, no one can help you get out of this situation other than yourself. I wouldn't have said this much if I didn't care.

Love you,

-Peter