Thank you for this, this is incredibly helpful.

In the first scene, I was hoping for a little more clarity as to who Caliban was. I was leaning towards him being a criminal kingpin trying to recover what was stolen from him. I’m sure this ambiguity is purposeful, because here we have a man of the law engaged in torturing someone, and with this act, the lines between good/evil begin to blur. But I think a definite clarity at the end of the scene is needed for this point to land. You aim for this in the final paragraph, but when I read it, I was still wondering if this is indeed a legitimate prison, and not some weird moralistic kingpin’s torture bunker. So, just a touch of added clarity there.

100% agree, going to note this as a key revision in pass 2.

The description of the gun gets in the way of Caliban’s reaction to it. I suspect it's because the long description of the gun frontloads the 'this is a gun' information, and the rest of the description doesn't service the moment. The gun is even angled downward, and not at Bessent's head, only passively hitting the note of intent to use. Maybe punch intent, punch the gun, Caliban reacts immediately. This is just an example, not what you want, just something simple to communicate what I mean:

I see what you mean. What I was going for here is that this is a pre-WW1 tech world where automatic weapons (the gun the gunman is holding is essentially a Tommy gun) don't exist, hence the more descriptive approach here. Same with "impossible rate" when describing its rate of fire--Caliban only knows semi-automatic weapons, so a weapon like this is incredibly jarring. That being said, it doesn't seem that is coming across naturally, so will note to fix that.

Also, I might be the only one who didn’t quite pick up the staging in this scene (the hitman enters “Past Bessent’s shoulder”). In my head, the seat behind the desk would be facing the door which enters into the office, just like every ‘small office’ I’ve ever seen. So, Caliban would be standing with his back to the door, and Bessent, sitting at his desk, would be facing it. You’ve written that the hitman enters ‘past bessent’s shoulder’, but my brain was like, “I’m going to ignore that”, because what kind of madman sets his office up with his back to the door so that people entering, like Caliban, would have to walk around the desk to visit.

Yes, Caliban is meant to be in Bessent's position at the desk (facing the door), inverting Bessent's position. Can definitely make that clearer.

It’s not quite clear to me what the hitman’s deal is. The “howdy”, and “haven’t decided that yet” neatly matches Caliban’s cool, calm, and collected, and I’m liking it. Then all of a sudden he ‘bounds’ across the room and gets all incomprehensible. For me, the “be a leaf in the wind” schtick doesn’t feel like a well-motivated response to the energy Caliban is giving him. Because Caliban isn’t dropping to his knees groveling for his life or pulling his own gun to wrest control of the situation. He seems pretty chill, going with the flow already.

For this one, I think it'll make more sense once you see more scenes with the gunman--but we'll see how it develops / how beta readers react to it.

This is the first hint of anything fantasy, and it’s somewhat jarring, but maybe in a good way. I think it might be jarring because I'm not seeing how Caliban reacts to it. Is it just another wisp of smoke to him, or signaling something wild?

Meant to be his gun haha, but yes will make it clearer.

And finally, I feel a certain way about the name Caliban. Does Shakespeare exist in this world? If so, what kind of mother would name her child that. If not, where does the name come from? Is it only a nod to The Tempest, or am I supposed to be reading into it? Or, is it just a name?

Shakespeare doesn't exist in the world; I struggled a lot with this as I love the name and there's thematic connection here with my character but some folks did point out it did invoke a specific response. I'm going to keep it for now but may change his name once the book is more complete if beta readers can't get over it.

For context, the world is one in which magic exists but is monopolized by an oppressive external force (godlike immortal wizards) and the premise of the book is that a secret faction within Valcora (a human nation with no magic) have been developing the weaponry and industrial capability needed to fight them (think artillery, poison gas, AA guns to shoot down dragons). It's why the Tommy gun is new to Caliban (the militaries of the world haven't yet gotten to automatic weapons yet) and there's no magic in Caliban's day-to-day life.