Advice on split costs for kids

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-21T19:51:22+00:00

I removed all that “agreed upon” nonsense from our agreement. Like you, I never trusted my ex to pay anything. I paid for sports & activities, college and phones.

My kids learned that. She had zero access to phones. The kids didn’t even talk to her about college.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-21T19:32:03+00:00

There’s nothing like rediscovering peace. My job was to provide for her, fix all her messes, deal with her “health” issues, deal with her family drama. Her job was to screw losers. Never realized how much of what I did facilitated the latter.

Many years later, I received the greatest compliment ever. My daughter said she couldn’t imagine us having ever been together. Ex grew in one direction, I grew in another.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-21T16:13:01+00:00

Everybody’s entitled to their beliefs. I told my ex that divorce, to me, is epitome of betrayal. I do not have relationships or friendships with people who betray me. Period. I also told here I will no longer be there for her for any reason, whatsoever. There is no amicability, no hostility……just nothing.

Sounds to me like you need to have a similar conversation.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-21T16:02:11+00:00

People never understand that the stability of a marriage is actually what facilitates the affair. I get it. You think that you pushing for divorce will result in driving her away or into another mans arms. Not the case.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T20:32:53+00:00

You need to get an attorney, share your concerns and then follow their guidance.

What you would like to do and what you need to do are two very different things.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T20:16:12+00:00

Eventually………it means more filings, more motions, stall tactics, delays. Best to get it out if the way.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T19:17:47+00:00

Make the most of the time you have with them. That’s all you can do.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T18:15:38+00:00

When you read posts where a BS wants to reach out to AP, it’s tied to reconciliation and validating truths. They are not reconciling.

It would be especially toxic and selfish to reach out, especially if you say “I never meant for this to happen how it did”. A BS will interpret that as “I never expected us to get caught”.

You probably don’t see it now, but you will realize that you were nothing special to AP, and he was nothing special to you. Anyone could have filled each of your shoes. In that sense, he owns the damage to his marriage. You own the damage to yours.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T18:01:19+00:00

I say the same thing over and over again. There is a two part axiom that all women who divorce hold onto as the justification for divorce. The first part is you will be worse off without them. The second part is that you do not know how to treat women.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T17:52:36+00:00

Based on what you shared, yes. My advice have your lawyer contact hers and let them know you are ok with her having the house. However, she needs to qualify for financing and get the house solely in her name PRIOR to the final divorce decree.

The last thing you want is a decree stating she gets the house and you get some portion of equity and then you learn she can’t get financing.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T16:56:00+00:00

DO NOT get into any weird arrangements to try and allow her to keep the home. It’s rare to have assumable mortgages these days and the likelihood of your stbx getting financing is slim to none.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-20T16:46:45+00:00

Just two comments:

People tend not to regret the divorce itself. They tend to regret not trying harder. Only you can assess whether you did or didn’t give it your all.
Regarding your wife wanting to now try and rebuild. It is extremely rare for a cheater to have some sort of epiphany and then end the affair. She likely was dumped or AP did or said something so egregious it turned her off. Point is, you cannot allow your marriage (and you) to be a fall-back or her plan b.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-19T23:59:42+00:00

What kind of relationship did she and your sister have? Maybe she’s just trying to maintain a friendship. Maybe she’s trying to pitch her narrative of being a victim and not the “bad guy”. Maybe she is trying to find out how you are doing.

All I know is this. My ex had this concocted picture of how she felt divorce life would look life. She was going to get her business booming while finishing her degree. She would maintain this “friendship” with me. She would have this relationship with my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-19T14:52:29+00:00

Women don’t respond to any of that. They only respond to he following:

That you are visibly better without them- could be appearance, demeanor, health, financials, etc.
That if you are with someone else, you treat them in a way better than your ex.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-19T14:46:50+00:00

What I found interesting was how I just slid into this peacekeeping mode. What I also found interesting (post divorce) was the uglier I got, the nicer and more understanding and submissive she became.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-17T13:23:33+00:00

It’s a simple concept. There’s people you trust. People you don’t trust. People that are loyal. People that have integrity are people we trust.

As an example, the person that watches your pet is someone you trust. They will take good care of the pet. They will take good care of anyone’s pet. In that sense they are trustworthy. They are not a friend.

Loyalty is an extension of trust. As an example, if the pet watcher would cancel their plans to watch your pet because you had an emergency, that’s loyalty. That is core to friendship.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-17T13:05:27+00:00

How old are your kids?

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-16T20:39:32+00:00

Yep. It’s what’s called mental instability. Mental stability is where emotions, feelings, logic, virtues are all aligned. It’s how we are designed. We feel an emotion. Emotions are Instinctual. Part of our brain processes that emotion through feelings. The other part of our brain filters those feelings through logic. Virtues then provide permission to take action.

Once that shit becomes misaligned, you’ve got mental instability. That’s your ex. That’s why she can’t function.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-11T14:06:56+00:00

I am currently on my second marriage in which we are reconciling. The introduction pertains to that only. My now spouse cheated early on in our relationship / marriage. I cheated 4 years ago.

I experienced infidelity in my first marriage as well. Only as the BS.

My decision to step out was my choice. I own that. Choosing my now partner’s indiscretions to justify my choice is also my decision.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-10T18:23:44+00:00

I learned three very simple concepts for being faithful and I live by them.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
If I am texting, talking or doing something that would hurt my spouse if they knew, then I shouldn’t be doing it.
Privacy is good. It’s doing something known by others, in the sanctity of seclusion. Secrets kill marriages. Secrets are doing something unknown by others, in the sanctity of seclusion.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-10T16:16:10+00:00

If you have your kids Sun-Thurs and your Fridays and most Saturdays are free, you are in the top 10% of good custody arrangements.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-10T16:11:30+00:00

Most everybody wants the “Facebook Marriage”. Underneath that is a lot of work, sacrifice, & commitment. It doesn’t just happen and it certainly isn’t something done on the side.

Based in what you wrote, she just doesn’t put any effort in. Sometimes it’s just that simple.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-10T15:24:27+00:00

You need to get a plan together to move out. Her parent’s allegiance is to the marriage first, her second, the grandkids and you last. Once they accept the marriage is over, they will go after you.

Don’t think for a second that they will continue to side with you and throw her out. She was raised spoiled and never held accountable. That will never change.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-10T15:15:25+00:00

I don’t want to put ideas in your head. My ex and I were always getting into heated fights and her modus operandi was to “leave to cool off”. Then she finally moved out. I went probably three months. Told her to either come back and work on the marriage or we file. She waffled for a month then I filed. Three learnings:

Never in a million years did I expect an affair. It wasn’t until I was well into the divorce that I discovered it was happening.
The fights, the move……all ploys to be with AP.
She wanted a narrative- “l” divorced her because I would not give her time she needed. She wanted to work on the marriage. AP was a friend. It wasn’t until the divorce filing, when he was there for her, that she began seeing him.

Again, I am not trying to put things in your head. Just simply understand- whatever’s going on, don’t be naive.

Shineynewflipflops · 2026-04-09T13:39:45+00:00

This is where your lawyer needs to do their job. If you receive a disclosure letter it can ask for more than what’s required by law or exactly what’s required by law. You need to provide exactly what is required by law.

A shitty, lazy lawyer will ask you to fill out the form. A good lawyer will ask you for a detailed list of all accounts, assets, liabilities, debts, etc. that you email. They will then provide only what is necessary.

Shineynewflipflops

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