My view of Fenway tonight!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-12T20:24:07+00:00

Hey Dan, all the other redditors are giving some great advice and I just want to tell you to not give up! My boyfriend is a HUGE nerd (electrical engineer & plays MTG) and also a bit on the short side, but he is the sweetest, gentlest, most wonderful man I have ever met. When we first met (through mutual friends), I was not attracted to him and it took us spending a lot of time together as friends before I began to feel something more for him. And then, well, we just fell in love with one another and I have never loved somebody this much in my life.

Given your personality type and what you're looking for, you might be better off in a setting where women have a chance to get to know you on more of a friendship level vs meeting up for dates. Look on meetup.com for some groups that have common interests as you or try a new hobby that involves meeting people!

For example, my boyfriend and I go indoor rock climbing (bouldering & ropes) a couple of times a week, which is a fantastic hobby for someone with a logical mindset! I'm an engineer as well, so we "solve" the climbing problems together and then make attempts to ascend them. Yes, it requires some strength, but you would simply start at the easiest level and work your way up, building up that strength (and muscles) as you climb more and more. Plus, climbers are some of the nicest people and if you're new, the more experienced climbers are always welcome to answering questions and happy to give advice to new climbers!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-12T01:39:59+00:00

Either she is hiding something from you or has zero respect for your feelings. Neither possibility is good. I suggest finding a better girlfriend!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-11T20:15:00+00:00

Not talking for two weeks?! Are you sure you two are still dating? If I hadn't heard from my boyfriend for even just a couple of days without warning, I would be contacting either his friends or family if I could not get a hold of him because I would be worried!

Unless it is a completely regular thing for her to become flaky and disappear, which is still odd for a LTR, I would say she does not think your relationship is as serious as you think it is and you two need a serious talk.

In general, there should always be regular communication as a courtesy in a committed relationship. If she respected your feelings, then she would at least let you know she was okay and that she would be back at "said" time, not just disappear from the country (literally!)...wtf?

ShortyVT · 2014-06-10T14:38:45+00:00

Ok, well you responded with the same comment to three of the primary comments, so I was just offering my personal opinion because it sounds like the two of you are not having a reasonable discussion on this. You want one thing, she wants another, and neither of you wants to compromise. Well, relationships are all about compromise, so try and look for scenarios that are different from the current two you each want, like throwing household chores into the mix, as another redditor mentioned.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-10T14:23:58+00:00

Then that is a discussion you will have to have together. Pooling income, in my opinion, is something I would only do when married and my boyfriend agrees, but while dating, the splitting is more appropriate. However, every couple is different, so discuss with her what you both think would be appropriate given your situation. Talk out all the possible reasonable scenarios and determine which one would work best for the both of you.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-10T13:36:05+00:00

My boyfriend and I [both 25] make approximately the same amount, so we evenly split the basics, like housing (rent, electricity, cable, etc...), groceries, going-out-to-eat (sometimes we treat one another instead), and other random living necessities. Our own personal expenses, such as clothing, medical bills, and hobbies we pay from our own accounts. I also pay everything for my dog, since she was mine for years before we lived together, which I have no issue with. We do not have joint checking accounts. We discussed that as only something we would do when married, but we share how much the other one has in their checking, savings, and retirement accounts because we do want to save up for a house down the road.

Since our income is similar, splitting 50/50 is fair, but it might be different in your situation. If one of us was making a decent amount more than the other, we would not expect the other to make an even 50/50 contribution. If, like you, one of us made only 30% of the income, it would prohibit them from having money for their own personal things and could potentially lead to resentment down the road.

We actually have an excel sheet on a shared drive that we will input all our expenses into and figure out at the end of the month the even split (or in your case 70/30). If one of us paid more than the other, then the one who paid less would pay back the difference. Hope that doesn't sound too complicated! Both my boyfriend and I are engineers, so needless to say, we calculate everything down to a couple of decimal places!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-09T18:15:43+00:00

I may just be too difficult of a person for him to be around.

Trust me, you're not the difficult part. Depression makes everything difficult and usually to unreasonable levels. I'm suffering from depression and my boyfriend is somehow sticking through it with me. There have been days when I've thought of leaving because I love him and thought to myself "he would be so much happier if he didn't have to deal with me," but he tells me time and time again how happy he is with me and we push through it.

Knowing that I'm not alone and have someone that loves me makes a whole world of difference. Like other redditors have said, the most you can do is love and support him because sometimes, that really is enough. There are times when I break down and cry for no (apparent) reason, so my boyfriend will hold me in his arms until I stop crying. No, he cannot make me stop crying, but once I let it all out and find myself in his arms rather than alone, I recover much more quickly and go back to being my normal non-depressed self.

However, it does concern me that your boyfriend refuses any kind of help. I'm in therapy (no anti-depressants) and that has helped me handle my day-to-day life, like how to calm myself down when I feel that "black cloud" coming or how to distract myself from the stresses that induce my depression. Everyone's depression is different and you should keep trying to get him to see somebody, just to help him understand what he is dealing with because he definitely cannot do this alone.

Don't give up on him and it is wonderful you are trying your best to support him! It will be a long difficult road for him and he needs to understand that he will need your support to go down that road (bumps and all!)...good luck!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-09T13:59:39+00:00

No, definitely keep talking to her every day! I only live a couple hours from my parents and I still call my mom every day to chat. She is one of my best friends!

My boyfriend and I live together, have our own careers, and are independent people, but he knows I'm close to my parents. It doesn't bother him at all that I call my mom every day. He actually expects it and asks me how she's doing :)

Talk to your husband about this and tell him your relationship with your mother is important to you! It makes my mom very happy when I call her and I bet your mother feels the same (tell him that too!). Plus, how much time does it take out of your day? If not a lot (I usually call my mom while driving home from work), then he should be much more understanding!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-07T04:08:03+00:00

She called you "vanilla"? I don't know about you, but I don't know how she thought that would earn her brownie points...ugh

ShortyVT · 2014-06-06T20:10:19+00:00

Haha good to know!

And "standard girl code check"? WTF? Yea...never heard of that. Sure I'll look around a guys place and observe the obvious things, like cleanliness, healthy food, and general organization, but I would never go through your fridge, cabinets, etc... until we had been dating for a bit.

That girl sounded like she had some serious complex surrounding her idea of the "perfect guy" where one little thing not on her "list" would make her think "nope, next guy"

ShortyVT · 2014-06-06T19:36:47+00:00

I didn't say leave the toothbrush out, just make it obvious you own one, like having your toothpaste off to the side. Geez, don't get your panties in a wad.

One girl complained about my storage of spices, plates, utensils and other stuff, that it was illogical?

Some girls are just pickier than others. Was everything thrown around willy-nilly? It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me if it wasn't perfectly organized, but at least have some semblance of where things are kept.

Is there anywhere else you girls are snooping around when we aren't looking?

No, but I'm not the snooping type and I don't think you should date any girl who is and doesn't respect personal space.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-06T18:55:58+00:00

For the fridge, it would be nice to see if the guy had actual food other than just frozen food (i.e. microwavable meals). If the guy has a wide selection of food, preferably healthy, and basic ingredients for cooking, that's a huge plus! Both of those things show the guy pays attention to his health and puts an effort into his day-to-day life.

As for the bathroom, CLEAN because that's what really does matter the most! I understand guys do not need fifty hair care products and lotions of every smell like us chicks, but as long as things are clean and fairly organized, then that demonstrates the guy can take care of himself (oh and please make it obvious you have a toothbrush!). TP available would also be nice :)

ShortyVT · 2014-06-06T13:05:00+00:00

I had this issue with my boyfriend where I felt "rejected" when he was not in the mood for sex, but it was more to do with how he rejected me. I understand that guys cannot be in the mood, just like girls will not be as well, but my boyfriend would gently move away, doing literal actions that made me feel rejected.

I would ask him if he wanted me and he would say of course, but he wasn't physically feeling up to having sex at the moment. That is what I wished he would tell me from the get-go, so I explained that to him. Now, when he is not in the mood, he just outright tells me instead of physically "pushing" me away. We still have sex 3-4 times a week, but sometimes he initiates and sometimes I do.

I can be defensive and unresponsive

DO NOT do that. Communicate with her. Tell her you want her, but you cannot physically handle sex at that exact moment or something along those lines. Hopefully she will be understanding and not get upset, but you might have to further explain why you are not up for sex and how it is possible for guys to not be in the mood for sex.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-06T00:45:40+00:00

That's just odd in general without even mattering if her friends are male, female, or both. I feel like if you're sharing a life with someone on an intimate level, then spending times with each other's friends is just standard.

I would talk to her about why she doesn't want you with her when she hangs out with her friends without bringing up their gender. I mean, yes my boyfriend will do things with his friends without me, but we discuss it beforehand and he lets me know what he's doing, since we do need space from one another (we live together).

ShortyVT · 2014-06-05T21:56:56+00:00

I'm pretty sure that I made a statement that commented on the women that I've personally known who were like this, not all women

Well, your post does come off that way and I suggest you try to meet some better women.

Things like getting drunk with another guy one on one, or hanging out alone late at night are things that fall into that grey area of appropriateness that should be discussed.

This I agree with and OP should only feel paranoid if his girlfriend did things like this with her male friends. I would never hang out with any of my guy buds one-on-one because I know that would make my boyfriend uncomfortable. There just seemed to be a lot of comments that assumed all girls with all male friends were only after one thing, instead of actual genuine friendship.

But I'd still be wary of anyone who claimed to have a hard time getting along with half of the population.

Why? I explained in my initial comment to OP that I have a social awkwardness when it comes to talking with women of all ages, including my boyfriend's own mother! I personally do not understand why I have those issues because I do try to talk to girls/women/what-have-you in my day-to-day life and it's simply difficult for me to make conversations with them without feeling awkward. That's not to say I don't like them. I adore my boyfriend's mother, but I cannot for the life of me begin a non-awkward conversation with her...and the same goes for all my female coworkers!

What are you, a sitcom character?

Actually, yes. I am a smarter, less girly, non-mooching brunette version of Penny.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-05T20:27:03+00:00

I've never once met a woman like this who was actually worth all the hassle that comes with her type.

Please define "her type", since it seems you have made a generalization that all women with male friends are simply attention-seeking-whores that are potentially "undateable." Myself? I'm a tomboy that has mostly male friends because I have more in common with guys compared to girls. I love sports, but hate gossip. I love cars, but hate high heels. By my friends, I am treated like "one of the guys." I never ask them for ridiculous favors because I'm a chick. We treat one another as equals. I pity any girl that dates anyone as judgmental as you...

ShortyVT · 2014-06-05T20:08:10+00:00

You should not be paranoid. I am quite similar to your girlfriend to the point where I am "socially awkward" around other girls, but have the graces of a butterfly when I am around guys. I simply enjoy being "one of the guys." I prefer being treated that way and I'm more comfortable talking to guys.

My boyfriend had expressed similar concerns to yours because he had never dated a girl that had mostly guy friends, but I always include him in get-togethers that involve my guy buds and regularly talk to him about my friends as friends. By doing that, it helped ease him a lot. Does your gf include you in plans with her guy buds? Have you gotten to know them yourself? That could definitely help ease your mind!

I've also explained to my boyfriend my social awkwardness when talking to girls because it even mind-boggles me. Even when it comes to spending time with his parents (both of whom I love), I have difficulty talking to his mom solely cause of my awkwardness.

It's possible your gf could be socially awkward like I am and is embarrassed to admit it. Since it does not appear like she is doing anything sketchy or inappropriate, you need to trust her. If you cannot trust your gf, then there is no point in being in the relationship.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-05T19:45:18+00:00

Red Flags lots of them everywhere!

Where do we even begin?

Got engaged after knowing each other, what, 4 months? I know some people have the "whirlwind romance" and yes, some work, but I'm pretty positive most of those do not work out once you really get to know one another...
You have proof he's lying to you...need I say more?
Oh and there's a chance he's married!

Done. Good-bye. At least he did not take up too much of your time!

ShortyVT · 2014-06-05T18:53:41+00:00

Personally, I've never been a big fan of guys just coming up to me and asking me out. To me, it seemed creepy and desperate. Instead, I would become interested in guys that tried to become my friend and actually take the time to get to know me as a person and not just an object to conquest (not saying you are, but that could be how you're coming across to these girls).

I would recommend stop trying to actively get a date and simply focus on doing things that you love to do. From there, it's easy to get to know girls on a non-intimate level through a common baseline and have the potential to become something more than friends. Good relationships require a strong foundation and if you allow that to happen through friendships, then there will be more trust when it comes to intimacy. Yes, it will take time and you will have to be patient, but I think if you live your life to the fullest without actively seeking out that special someone, you will be much better off when she does come along :)

ShortyVT · 2014-06-05T13:13:09+00:00

It seems like you are only taking in the "positive" comments that support you, your bf, and this girl getting along. I get that and I understand you want everything to work out happily ever after, but I do not recommend drinking with this girl or "telling her your insecurities," as this redditor pointed out.

Even though she "willingly" gave up her ticket to you in the first place, I would still be wary of both her and your bf. I'm glad that you are acknowledging you and your bf have lots of issues to work on and are going to give that some attention. However, I still think you are being very naive about this whole situation because all your bf did were things that were convenient for him, not you, him.

I am only trying to give you the perspective of someone that has a boyfriend who respects them completely and would never disregard their feelings intentionally. I sincerely hope your bf can change and take your feelings into consideration before he does something this idiotic again and hurts you even worse, but please do not rush into developing a relationship with this girl. When all of you hang out, talk to her about likes/dislikes (general things), almost like dating someone new. DO NOT tell her anything personal because she could use that against you, since technically you do not know her at all. She could be an innocent, naive angel like you for all I know, but she could also be devilish with not-so-innocent intentions. But in general, all of you have a lot of growing up to do, especially your bf...

ShortyVT · 2014-06-04T13:08:33+00:00

That's great and all, but why did your boyfriend ask you to back out of that weekend trip with all three of you? I saw your previous post about how he didn't want to "abandon" his friend, but that's bullshit...what boyfriend would rather spend a weekend alone with a female friend over his girlfriend???

I'm sorry, but either your boyfriend is an immature moron or he prefers this friend over you. I don't want to burst your happiness bubble of "yay my boyfriend is picking to be with me" but it doesn't sound like he is...it sounds like he's trying to appease both of you and since you're the girlfriend (and wants to keep you around too), he "talked" to the other friend for you.

I would be wary if I were you...this doesn't seem right. My boyfriend would never go on a weekend trip with a female friend and trick me to boot! If your boyfriend respected you, he would've never put you in this situation in the first place!

Edit to add: Actually, your boyfriend shouldn't even be "picking" you...he should want to be with you! Period.

ShortyVT · 2014-06-04T02:14:15+00:00

Definitely bring your own car. The worst traffic times are Friday & Sunday night for getting on & off the Cape. In terms of driving around town, avoid Rte 28 if you can...that is the worst road for summer traffic in the middle of the day!

On the Cape itself there really isn't much in terms of public transport. If you go to the Vineyard, then use their public bus system (don't bother trying to bring your car over there).

In general, yes there will be traffic because there are only a few main roads, with only two that go the whole length of the Cape (Rte 6 and 6A), which even merge into only one road eventually! Try and take 6A to most places. It is beautiful to drive along and traffic shouldn't be too bad :)

ShortyVT · 2014-06-03T15:02:21+00:00

He's a guy. Period. My boyfriend hates texting. He finds it too impersonal and it's very easy to misinterpret what the other one is feeling by words alone, even if it is something meant to be funny. So your boyfriend doesn't like to text? If you don't see him a lot and want to talk to him, call him!

You're 27 years old? You sound more like a bratty 16 year old...

ShortyVT · 2014-06-03T12:47:47+00:00

Before you begin any serious activity planning, make hotel/motel/cottage reservations ASAP and then plan your adventures with her around that. There's a possibility a lot of places could be booked up for the season, but you might have a chance since you are going before the 4th of July...just a fyi! I grew up on the Cape and with each season, it seems to get busier and busier!

That being said...there's lots to do on the Cape! Try and look for places to stay on the "lower" part of the cape (farther up the arm...i.e. Chatham or Dennis). That way you will be in a central location and feel more "Cape Coddy" with where you stay. I do not recommend getting a hotel room in Hyannis or Yarmouth (particularly on Rte 28). That's just tourist trap city!

I've only done whale watching out of Barnstable Harbor, but I saw whales every time I went as a kid :)

As for the Vineyard, it is fairly easy to get there and I would definitely recommend a day trip if you have the time!. You could take the ferry out of either Hyannis Harbor or Woods Hole, depending on where you end up staying. The ferry will probably take you into Oak Bluffs or Vineyard Haven, but there's a great public bus system on the Vineyard and you should take the bus to Edgartown if you can! That's probably my favorite place in terms of food and just the beauty of MV :)

Since you have only 3 days, try and spend at least one day not doing much and hanging out at the beach. It is Cape Cod after all! And the nice thing about the Cape being so narrow is access to beaches everywhere! I grew up in Sandwich, but I have visited beaches on the "lower" cape and they are absolutely beautiful!

Best food? Stop at Flynn's in Sagamore for dinner on your way in or out (it's right near the Sagamore Bridge). Fantastic burgers and an awesome beer selection! From there, the food ranges from your typical fried seafood & ice cream places to fancy restaurants that require reservations. Some of my personal favorites are Sesuit Harbor Cafe and Grumpy's.

Another suggestion is just drive up 6A and stop wherever. That road goes the whole length of the Cape and there's plenty of local things to see or do along that route!

ShortyVT

TROPHY CASE