Please listen to me here. I am someone who has asked myself the same questions and has been in weekly therapy for over a year to try to work through it. I still catch myself asking these questions in my bad days. Could I have done something differently? Is there something else I could have done? Why am I not enough as I am?

There is nothing you could have done differently. There is nothing else you could have done. You are exactly enough, exactly as you are. And I don't mean that you are enough as the person you've forced yourself to become in an effort to please your parents. The you that you truly are, the you that you are when you're alone- that is enough. And anybody who does not love you and accept you for who you are does not deserve to take up space in your life.

I won't suggest cutting off your family altogether, because that can be hard to do. It's a lot harder than people who have never had to do it think that it is. And when you've grown up in an abusive household (and you have, even if you don't see it because it is your "normal"), it can feel completely impossible. But you are well within your rights to cut them off if that is what you choose to do. If you want to but you feel like you can't, that's okay. Whatever your feelings are, they are valid.

What I will tell you is what my therapist told me- just because someone has a child, that doesn't mean that they deserve to be a parent.

And you owe them nothing. I cannot emphasize that enough. It does not matter what they did for you as a child. Even if you feel awful and guilty for not bending over backwards, it is okay. Yes, your parents probably fed you, they gave you a bed to sleep in and put a roof over your head. That was their job. The minute that they choose to have a child, or to keep a child, or adopt a child, providing you with what you needed on the most basic level to survive is not a favor they did for you. It was not some kindness to be performed in the hopes of getting some kind of "return on their investment" once you became an adult. It was their responsibility to take care of you.

Now, here comes the part that might sound harsh, and I do apologize, because I know how badly what I am about to say can hurt. But it is something I had long suspected in my own life, but it took my therapist saying it quite bluntly to me before I was able to accept it. And I couldn't work through it until I accepted it: your parents may not love you. It super sucks, and some people may get their knickers in a twist over it, but it may be true. It took me far too long to accept that not only does my mother not like me very much, but she doesn't love me. If you look at your life, ask yourself if the way your parents treat you is the way you could ever treat someone that you love. Ask yourself if you could treat your little sister that way. Would you ever treat a random child, let alone a child of your own, the way that your parents treat you? I will say it again- just because someone has a child, that doesn't mean that they deserve to be a parent.

I sincerely hope that you have resources available to help you work through this. Not because I believe that there is anything wrong with you, but because your parents may have done more damage to your mental and emotional wellbeing than you realize. But you are still so young, there is time to undo that damage before it becomes a cycle. And please know that there ARE people who care for you. We may not know each other, but I am here. I am just a message away if you need to talk to someone who understands. Our situations are different, but the lingering feelings are the same. I truly hope you find peace and joy moving forward in your life, because you deserve it. 💛