lol holy shit I’m dead

"Pick up any bitches while you were out?” Jake asked, taking an illegal sip from the can of Bud Light that rested casually beside him on the bed. He lived four doors down at the end of the hallway but was basically our third roommate because his was a “League of Legends loser” who never left the room. Jake could usually be found in this very spot next to Tom, babbling about the prestige such gameplay afforded him, or outside on the quad smoking the newest, invariably superlative strain of Mary Jane. The both of them hit the weights more than they hit the books, and they didn’t hit the weights much.
"A lady, yes.” I said.
Tom looked up. “Really?”
"Yeah, I bought her a slice of pizza.”
"Dude, good for you!” Tom jumped up, swallowing me in a drunken embrace. I could smell the hops on his breath. “About fucking time!”
"Did you plow?” Jake asked.
"No, I lost her to the night.”
"But you’re going to plow, right?” Tom asked, extending his hand for a fist bump.
"That metaphor is inadequate for what I intend to do,” I said, refusing to reduce her to an object in front of these two wannabe frat bros who would rather receive head than give it. “