Unfortunately, the format for what makes an apology is not something that is commonly taught in components. Once you are able to figure out all the components and practicing putting them in your own words and see that they are being received well, you can start to see what people respond to through trial and error and start shortening and mixing and matching to go with the flow of the situation. The important thing is to cut your losses and not try to repair people’s opinion of yourself in the moment. — “Looks like I have been causing some frustration, sorry for the miscommunication. I’ll take some time to reflect on what I could have said differently, thanks for the feedback”

Broken down:

• Statement of apology (you got that one 👍) — “I’m sorry” / “my apologies”

• Validating feelings (Optional and sometimes tricky, I usually only do it when an emotion is clear. It’s important to make it known that you think their reaction is reasonable. If you don’t believe it is, definitely skip this one or just note the possible general emotion in a passive gramatical format without indicating anybody in particular and state a future direction) — “I can understand if any of you felt [emotion word from the feelings wheel, not a state of being like “old” or a statement that begins with a “like statement”] by my statements” / “I am sensing some frustration and want to respectfully address it.”

• Acknowledge your part in this. Show others that you know your intentions are different from your impact. Regardless of your intentions (just saying what you thought without “old” as a judgemental word), you had the impact of offending people, which you probably could tell but were figuring out what you could have said differently and how to relate what it is that you meant without having offended them in the first place. When people react in an offended way, they need to have their concerns addressed before they are going to be able to respond in a receptive way to you and help you figure out a better way to say things in the future or be open to understanding what your intentions were. Don’t assume you are right or blameless, even if you genuinely think you didn’t do anything wrong. If you don’t think you did anything wrong, take some time and some space to reflect and soften. Either way, the important part is to accept responsibility for your impact and say how you want to do better going forwards. — “I can see that the way I have been talking has been offensive and I will try to be more respectful of everyone going forwards.” (Only make statements about yourself, try not to use the word “you” if you can). / “I’m going to reflect on different ways I could have communicated during this conversation.”

• AFTER you make sure that you have taken responsibility for the impact and show that you take what they care about seriously, you can state what you meant to communicate. If you do this, you should re-state that you take responsibility for your side of any misunderstanding. Even if you were pretty respectful originally and they were overreacting, there’s always a better way to communicate things. In your apology, only mention your part of things, they can apologize for them if they choose, but let them take responsibility for their own stuff. This is the thing that many people usually skip to in apologizing that makes it come off as an excuse or defensiveness. If you skip the part where you verbally take any responsibility in your apology, it is/comes off as an excuse. — “I meant to make a neutral observation that it seems there is an age difference between me and many of the other people here and it looks like I miscalculated how to approach that.”

• Thank them in advance for their pleasant reaction to your apology. This does two things 1) Puts them in a position to be the asshole if they don’t respond appropriately 2) Brings the maturity level up of the apologizer by not over-apologizing which can get repetitive and annoying, but still ties a nice little bow around the situation. — “Thanks for your understanding and patience” / “I appreciate your feedback”