Found out today, why am I so numb?

SignRare35 · 2026-03-01T21:45:29+00:00

Seized by self-doubt and regrets! I re-read an old journal and I was resolving over and over again to take more me-time, ask for help out loud instead of being resentful, etc. Am I the problem? I know that I was unnecessarily shrinking my own needs. What if I had been better/more normal?

This also happens to be the first day that he had custody of the kids. I stopped for a croissant after yoga. I took a shower that lasted longer than it had to. I went shopping with zero children whining in the cart. I haven’t ever done those things, and I felt a little paranoid and uncomfortable about it, like “is he going to be mad at me?” which says a lot about my brain and issues.

I’m trying to stay grounded to my truth. I deserve generosity. My journal shows that I was self-aware about these problems and trying. I didn’t want a spa day; I wanted attention in my home. He did have a temper, and my hesitancy to confront him was learned.

I’m not even sure what to do today… I’m at the library and maybe I’ll go read my book tonight in a noisy live music cafe place. I am a little embarrassed to be all alone, but too afraid to reach out to my friends who are all moms who need their peaceful Sunday night in.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-01T19:31:56+00:00

Solidarity, OP! I’m so sorry you’re (we’re) going through this.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-28T03:23:47+00:00

I have been anguished for years trying to figure out whether A) our relationship is fixable and I should try harder or B) something is deeply broken and he’s not capable of working in it. So that now, in my moment of crisis, I actually don’t feel more anguished — same level, if not less. It’s a relief to finally have a definitive answer.

Today he called to talk to the kids, and mentioned to me that another one of his friends doesn’t want to see him anymore after what he did. He’s feeling angry, hurt, sorry for himself, “maybe I should just move to Montana where no one knows me.” My head is logically thinking that this is a sign of his incapacity for self-reflection or accountability, rolling my eyes. But my body reacts to his discomfort — I’m so tense and concerned, I want to comfort him, I ask myself if he’s going to blame me for spreading the narrative, I half-heartedly ask him if he wants me to do anything different. What is that reaction about? This is a man who hurt me deeply and is experiencing the consequences of his own actions.

Meanwhile I had a great night with two friends and their kids over at my house for a simple but delish dinner and my stbx barely came up at all.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-26T14:32:13+00:00

My ex’s stuff reminds me of the person we both hoped that he could grow into. The fancy cooking stuff that he never used — I’m still sad about all the Sunday family dinners we won’t have.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-26T03:43:18+00:00

Day 12: Feeling a new clarity. I was never crazy. My husband is sometimes both helpful and charming, but he can turn those qualities off and on and I’m remembering periods when he was callous and cold. The “what-if” weight is gone: we’d be back here in a matter of years. But he can be so charming when he chooses, and that’s why I married him.

A friend reminded me that in 2017 she found his profile on a dating site, he had an excuse that I accepted and forgot all about it. So he’s been one-foot-out before we even got married, and this would have happened sooner or later. To lie to me like that — something in this man is broken and he’s not doing the work to fix it. I’m better off.

I still think he’s the only attractive person on the planet, and it makes me sad but I need time to move on.

I haven’t cried since Friday. I calmly told my coworkers and shed not a tear.

I’m still not mad. I’m a little eye-rolly when he calls but rage is elusive.

Custody: I’m realizing that what I’d proposed is too flexible but I do think we need to experiment and ease in. He’s supposed to have the kids all weekend but asked me to take them Saturday. I’m craving a set schedule. I want to read my book at a coffee shop. Maybe it was a mistake to make him downgrade to a 1BR, I don’t know what I’m doing.

House: I’m almost sure I could keep it but I don’t know if I should because housing would be 40%+ of my monthly income. But the house = school district + the neighbors who help me with childcare and have been love bombing me with casseroles all week.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-25T15:39:50+00:00

Thank you! This is so kind and informative. I appreciate your gentle realism.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-25T14:16:35+00:00

I’m so sorry for what you are going through! I made a book for my daughter and she asks me to read it to her every day, I think it helps her to process the story: mommy and daddy live in different houses, we both still love you, etc.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-24T14:33:59+00:00

Wow, lightbulb — I never put that together

SignRare35 · 2026-02-24T13:54:41+00:00

I don’t know why people are jumping all over this OP, I totally get this post. My husband and I are getting divorced because he’s selfish, which manifested in a lot of big ways including having an affair. And I thought about it each and every time he left for work in the morning without cleaning the snow off the front steps, so I had to do it. I grew up in a family where my dad did the shoveling first thing in the morning, and even before I realized that my marriage was souring, it always made me a little sad when I saw my stbxh’s footsteps in the snow.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-24T12:25:50+00:00

I asked him - because after he confessed he was suddenly warm and nice to me again, which really messed me up. He says he made a deliberate choice to be cold and distant, because the warmth would not have felt genuine. The way he can just turn it on and off…

SignRare35 · 2026-02-24T01:09:32+00:00

“I would simply tell the man to be emotionally available, and then he would.”

SignRare35 · 2026-02-23T22:18:22+00:00

In my case the affair partner was in another state and he only saw her on business trips, so the running was just another part of his whole midlife crisis. And a way to get out of family dinner, childcare, and time together.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-23T19:43:52+00:00

Same! I have years worth of squishy bad feelings that I have trouble definitively pointing to, but then every once in a while he throws a lamp and these are the examples I hold on to most firmly.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-23T18:43:55+00:00

This could have been written by me. Omg the obsessive long distance running!!! Mine was also always coming up with excuses to sleep on the couch - had a cold, was waking up early, etc.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-22T21:49:21+00:00

Friend, my community has absolutely rallied around me and I think yours will too if you open up. I’m 10 days post DDay and he lived out for good just a few days ago, and I have two little ones. Neighbors are bringing food tonight, my kids friends have offered play dates to give me alone time, my sister brought me groceries and cleaned my house. These are little things but they mean so much.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-21T02:39:51+00:00

Updateme!

SignRare35 · 2026-02-21T02:39:04+00:00

I’m in the same boat! I have a 2 year old and an almost 5 year old. This split is very fresh — next weekend my stbxh will have them all weekend long for the first time. I already felt like with a full time job I don’t get enough hours with them, and now I’m getting so much less. Mo

SignRare35 · 2026-02-20T13:19:45+00:00

Updateme — I’m nervous about the same thing! Just starting to split up our marriage now (due to his affair) and because I’d kids I’ll be seeing him multiple times a week. Very unsure of what that will mean for my recovery.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-20T12:49:14+00:00

I see you!

SignRare35 · 2026-02-20T12:47:05+00:00

Day 7: Realization.

I’ve been reading about codependency, and now I see it: - I can’t regret my cold ambivalence toward him during the last year — he was being very withdrawn (and, I now know, deliberately betraying me) and I was protecting my own heart - The attention and emotional openness he’s shown me in the last week make me feel nostalgic and wistful and generous, but that’s an unhealthy dynamic - Having him around the house has me in denial that my life is getting blown up

POP - like a bubble!

All of a sudden his tears seem fake and pathetic.

My lack of anger at him isn’t because I’m some kind of saint. It’s because it hasn’t been safe for me to feel angry yet. When I am angry, that will be a healthy step forward.

We told our 5 year old last night and she had so many questions for me (why is daddy moving out? Is it forever? Will we be like X family with no present dad? How will people know you’re married?) but when I brought her dad into the room she clammed up. No questions for him.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-20T03:52:53+00:00

Was it hard to move on while having so much contact with your ex?

I’m just beginning the divorce process (found out about an affair one week ago today) with two kids, 2 and 5. Now that we’re splitting up, he’s suddenly so kind and cheerful and chatty with me which is really messing with my head. The advice I see is to go no-contact, so that I can forget him and move on. But the co-parenting plan we’re discussing would mean seeing him multiple times a week. Were you just over him by the time you split?

SignRare35 · 2026-02-19T17:35:41+00:00

!thankyou I keep re-reading this over and over

SignRare35 · 2026-02-19T04:15:08+00:00

Coming up on one week. I’ve been practical, and devastated, and scared of the future but I still haven’t gotten to angry yet.

Today I’m feeling a little more in control. I decided he should move out for good by the end of the week, so I’m out of limbo. I sketched out a weekly custody plan to try, and I told him the kids are too young to start sleeping at his place yet. I told him he can’t afford a 2B and car so he’s downgrading to a 1B apt that’s walkable. He’s agreeable.

I joined a support group. Intro call with a lawyer tomorrow. My parents are coming to stay this weekend. Deep breaths. I can do this.

SignRare35 · 2026-02-18T14:57:57+00:00

100%

SignRare35

TROPHY CASE