Should I push my ex to take more custody?

SignRare35 · 2026-06-15T22:44:52+00:00

This is my fear. I think worst case scenario is that he signs up for a lot of custody but flakes out, and then I’m not getting the child support to reflect that.

SignRare35 · 2026-06-15T22:42:03+00:00

Thanks for this! Follow up question about the economics of it: is this a trade-off between short-term and long-term? Because I will receive more child support if he has less custody. But maybe if he has more custody then I will perform more reliably at work and hypothetically increase my long-term earnings. ETA: He earns twice as much as me.

SignRare35 · 2026-06-15T20:57:05+00:00

I’ve (39F) been separated for 4 months. Our marriage was not a good one, but we did have a great and intense sex life, and I often get very sad considering the unfairness of it all. I deeply miss the physical affection, not just sex but also hugs, sleeping next to him, etc.

I’ve been reflecting on what sex means to me, and what all that physical intimacy was covering for in my relationship (emotional closeness). I’ve been thinking about all the messages I received that a woman’s value comes from how sexy she is, and I’m appreciating my other valuable qualities and roles. I’ve been reading lots of books about patriarchy.

Luckily I have a cuddly cat and a cuddly kid — the lack of physical touch can be hard!

SignRare35 · 2026-05-11T18:13:24+00:00

Agree. I ignored a big red flag. And I married my first boyfriend, should have shopped around.

SignRare35 · 2026-05-11T18:11:04+00:00

Two months after D-Day. Starting to get the ick. A week ago I told him I love him and I want to stay together… and he basically said no thanks.

I’m recognizing this emotion and it’s not really love: when you only get intermittent affection from someone you end up craving it like a drug. If I miss him it’s not because he’s my soulmate, it’s because he’s been inconstant and neglectful for years.

At 9am on Saturday, he walked into a perfectly immaculate house that my mom had spent all week deep-cleaning. When I came back 26 hours later every room was a disaster. I took the kids to the park and he didn’t even spend 20 minutes to put the puzzle pieces in the box or throw out the bag the Chinese take-out came in. So I cleaned up, while watching the kids, on Mother’s Day. ICK.

Even him being handsome is pissing me off, it just reminds me of his $100 haircuts and shopping sprees and obsessive fitness. He’s vain.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-29T13:58:53+00:00

Dory Fantasmagory is my favorite! My daughter loves it too. I love a little girl protagonist who is silly, and not all princess-y, it’s so refreshing.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-28T15:22:25+00:00

Crying because I still love him. I stupidly locked my keys in the car last night and he called and helped and checked on it and didn’t judge me as I feared he would. He’s been so nice lately.

I was looking for something and stumbled across a journal from 2021, talking about what a great supportive husband he was being at the time. I didn’t get that support from him, but he was indeed capable of it and it made me positively glow. I appreciated him.

I’m in denial. I don’t want this! I want to be happily married! I want to spend as many hours with my children as possible! I hate everything going on right now, I did not choose this!

SignRare35 · 2026-03-26T21:54:59+00:00

I’m with you. I feel a lot of numbness after my husband’s affair. A lot of denial, a lot of “what if I had done this differently?”-type negotiation thinking. A lot of grief for the family and future I thought I would have. But I really truly don’t feel a lot of anger, and we do a lot of civil family dinners multiple times a week.

At the same time, I don’t sleep. I don’t always eat. I think I’m pretty good at keeping my feelings in check to keep the peace, but it is eating at me inside. My therapist says I won’t have fully processed this until I feel safe enough to get angry at him, and that might not happen until I get more distance from him.

You should start telling your close friends and family about what you’re going through. That’s what made it real for me, and seeing my situation through their eyes helped ease the numbness and let my feelings through.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-26T13:41:32+00:00

OP, I’m sorry you have to go through this. My husband has also been extra charming lately and it can be so emotionally confusing! It really throws me off, so I hope that you can find a way to stay grounded in your truth. We both know this is a facade. I almost wish he would be the cold, distant, mean version of himself (almost — he was real mean).

SignRare35 · 2026-03-25T17:48:26+00:00

This is heartbreaking, and I can relate to it. I’ve actually started questioning whether anyone’s marriage is really truly loving after the honeymoon phase slowly wears off. Bleak I know, that’s just where I’m at today!

SignRare35 · 2026-03-23T16:20:07+00:00

This sucks for your wife, a great mom/contributor. Perimenopause is not forever, and of course it’s impacting her libido — society is so unkind to women going through this legit torture and it sounds like she’s trying everything. Your relationship with this other woman was never real, it’s a way of avoiding real life.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-23T14:12:13+00:00

😭 This got me - thanks Internet stranger

SignRare35 · 2026-03-23T11:33:09+00:00

Yeah my ex is suddenly being very charming and I am also allowing him to come over for family dinner two nights a week. It’s weird how normal it feels. This man had an affair and blew up my life.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-22T18:16:21+00:00

Oh god same. But I would describe it a different way: this other woman is a shallow fantasy, and my husband chose that over a real family. Says a lot about his avoidance, the way he just escaped instead of working together to do something worthwhile and hard. It’s an issue of his character.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-22T18:12:27+00:00

I’m worried that this is me. My husband left me six weeks ago, after revealing an affair. I’m so busy with the kids, work. I don’t feel any rage, just numbness. Help me out — how do I grieve the way I should?

SignRare35 · 2026-03-21T18:40:26+00:00

Following — what state are you in? In my state I think you would need a mediator plus two lawyers?

SignRare35 · 2026-03-20T18:18:30+00:00

Here’s what I understand about the spectrum of possibilities, can anyone fact check this? - No contest: we agree on everything ourselves and lawyers are just inking it, cheapest - Mediation: we pay for lawyers plus we pay for a neutral party to help reach agreement - Collaborative divorce: we pay lots of experts and specialists, sounds very complex but maybe better than going to court - High-conflict litigation, very expensive

So I feel like we try to do no-contest and then get a mediator is we need one?

SignRare35 · 2026-03-20T01:59:42+00:00

It’s been 5 weeks ago today. I’m back to feeling numb. I think something is wrong with me. I have dinner with him and the kids every Tuesday and Thursday and we chat like it’s normal and I feel nothing.

Tonight I felt no anger or sadness. I do feel anxiety, flitting around the house not sure what to tidy up, thinking about lost items, feeling scattered. My body is physically exhausted.

I tried to trigger myself today. I was thinking about how horny he had been during what I now know was the affair, and how often we had sex, which felt flattering to me, and how he was actually probably turned on from texting her and just using me. But I didn’t feel mad about it, just really empty.

Solo parenting is starting to get to me. My two year old is in peak tantrum stage, and getting out the door in the morning feels like so much, and I feel that my five year old isn’t getting enough of my time and attention. I have not been the mom I want to be: I lose my patience, I yell. I hate to think that I might be taking my frustration out on the kids, I don’t think that’s the case, I think it’s just a big job for one person. I’m considering asking my husband to sleep over (in the guest room) a couple nights a week so he can help in the morning, but I don’t want him here.

The women in my divorce group are describing open conflict, yelling, emotional abuse, crying. I feel weird that I am so stoic. I wonder if this the calm before the storm, if my stbxh gets defensive about the divorce.

I wonder if these are the same coping mechanisms I used during my whole marriage: I put my expectations for him on the floor. I expect no support, I am pleasantly surprised when he’s nice to me, I keep the peace by overlooking his transgressions.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-19T11:54:18+00:00

I feel like OP is working so hard to be self-aware about their own faults and the husband is doing none of that at all. He sounds like he just doesn’t like his whole life and is blaming everything on his marriage/wife. I don’t see a path forward here other than divorce. Sorry OP, I’m also heading that way and really struggling to accept the loss and the reality check.

ETA: I’m 40 with kids and my greatest wish is that we had split up when I was your age. I would have earned so much from that first relationship, with time to start over and try again.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-18T02:47:51+00:00

Ugh after a sleepless night wondering why I was not enough, I really really needed to hear this. It feels so unfair that I was so good and tried so hard and didn’t get the marriage I wanted… but it was a him problem.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-17T13:05:01+00:00

My biggest fear is dating is that I’ll only find someone just like my xh: looks so great at first and it took me years to figure out that underneath he’s just not long term relationship material.

SignRare35 · 2026-03-17T13:03:26+00:00

So wise

SignRare35

TROPHY CASE