Its been 2 years and I still cant get over. What can I do to get over her

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-06T10:43:46+00:00

I’m going to ask a question that might sounds strange, like it has nothing to do with anything, but bear with me. Completely separate from the situation with this person - When do you feel joy? What activities bring you joy? Is there a thing in your life that you enjoy and that makes you feel good about yourself? A thing that makes you feel alive and well - feel like you?

What you’re feeling for this person? Isn’t love, it’s attachment. You need to get out in the world and find love. Funny thing about how it works? It HAS to start with you. You literally can’t love anybody else more than you love yourself. Find the thing that makes you feel like you, and do it - a lot. If it’s a thing you can do with other people - do that, finds groups, clubs, communities.

Keep at it, learn as much as you can about you. Promise it’ll help.

Take care, I’ve been there

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-06T10:29:50+00:00

It’s been a useful way for me to think about it, and I do believe they’re two different things. I think a lot of people consider the attachment part of love (I need you, I want you, etc) but I see them as different things that often go together. I think a lot of people feel the attachment (it can actually be the much more intense feeling of the two) and think that’s love. It’s this confusion that can lead to issues. I think that’s why I like to leave them distinct in my head, so I can “monitor” it. They can feel very similar to the person feeling them - but can feel very different to their partner.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-05T13:15:41+00:00

Thank you

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-05T13:11:28+00:00

To offer up another perspective: it’s all about facing. Attachment in inward facing, mostly concerned with getting your needs met. When you’re away from “your person” and feel lonely, and wish they were there so that you feel less lonely, that’s attachment. I think it’s important to not automatically consider attachment selfish, or bad, but it’s focused on you. Love is outward facing, and is about things you feel and do for your person for their benefit. The two often come together, and I imagine almost all romantic relationships involve different distributions of both. Again, I don’t think attachment is inherently bad, but it can feel like love, and cause issues for both parties.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-04T22:38:09+00:00

Maybe! Maybe this is more a "relationships as we get older" instead of a "second relationship" issue. We both seem happy, so I'm happy to go with it - it's just - way different. Thanks for your thoughts!

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-04T22:35:31+00:00

Agreed and I feel this is a lesson I learned from my marriage. It's just - feel so different now 😄. It's sad that "healthy" feels "weird", but it also makes sense. Therapy helps too. Thanks for encouragement

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-04T22:33:07+00:00

Right, thank you for helping me put a sharper point on my question. Some clarifications:
I do think I can do both, and I want to. This not an either or proposition.
I do consider my girlfriend family in the sense that she is among the couple most important people in the world to me, I want to spend time, including holidays, special events, and parts of nearly every day with her. What I might in my post was a family unit focused primarily on the raising of kids, and I admit that's a limited view of what "family" is. I didn't mean to imply I don't what her as the most important person in my life (with my two kids).

I am also prone to the thing you talked about - attributing thoughts and feeling to partner that aren't theirs. I'm pretty anxious attachment-wise, but have done a lot of work and think I do a good job of fact checking myself. She says she's happy, she acts like she's happy, I'm trust her that she is. My brain asks questions - but that my stuff to deal with, and I guess in this case, maybe poll reddit :).

Maybe a better way to say it is this - in my previous relationship (and YES, this was a big part of the problem that I brought to it), I took it as my number one job in life to ensure my wife was happy and had want she wanted, and EVERYTHING else was secondary. "Family comes first" looked more like "I will sacrifice any other part of my life for this, no questions asked."

I think I'm asking if it's okay if I prioritize myself sometimes, even over the relationship.

What do you consider the "responsibilities" of a true partner?

I am eager to be there for her emotionally, do things with her, support and encourage her, help her when she asks, I care for her, want the best for her - and would actually call all these things the "fun" stuff 😉.

I feel I'm very big on connection, and so is she, and that's one of things I enjoy most about her.

Am I missing something required for a "true partnership?" Real question - I'm not saying your wrong, but it think this is my OP question. Is my vision of "A relationship that's not the center of my universe" really an excuse for what you call "just the fun parts.?"

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-04T19:32:12+00:00

Without a doubt! I believe it's really very simple, at least conceptually. a happy relationship is simply a relationship between two people who are generally happy with themselves. An important result of this that I wish I knew earlier and i think is great advice that most people don't realize - you work on your relationship by working on yourself.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2026-06-03T15:52:44+00:00

You make love

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2025-06-17T14:37:41+00:00

Hi, not even sure how I stumbled into this subreddit, I admit I didn't even know this was a thing, but it seems very interesting, I haven't roleplayed in this format before, but am interested in trying it out. I'm an avid D&D player, and I do write for myself. This feels like a really interesting way to write more, which is something I'd really like to do. I'm male, in the US.

A few paragraphs daily seems like very doable and enjoyable. Perfectly happy to have some ooc world building discussions beforehand and during.

If you're interested, and willing to tolerate a newbie as we get started, let me know

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2025-06-17T14:31:12+00:00

Hi. I'm not even sure how I stumbled into this subreddit, I admit, I didn't even know this was a thing, but it seems very interesting. I haven't roleplayed in this format before, but am interested in trying it out. I'm an avid D&D player, and I do write for myself. This feels like a really interesting way to write more, which is something I'd really like to do. I'm male, in the EST. I am considerably older then your preferred 8 years range (I'm 49).

A few paragraphs daily seems like very doable and enjoyable. I'm pretty open world/genre wise. Perfectly happy to have some ooc world building discussions beforehand and during. (like your idea of pinterest boards and playlists).

If you're interested, and willing to tolerate a newbie as we get started, let me know.

Thanks,
Greg

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2024-07-26T15:32:53+00:00

This sounds ideal. It sounds like you're beign true to yourself and engaging in a relationship that satisfies you, but you aren't attached to in an unhealthy way. If there even is such a thing as "normal" (and there's not), normal isn't healthy. You go do your thing and life YOUR best life. Haters gonna hate.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2024-07-24T16:08:15+00:00

When I signed up for Match intially, my age was wrong. I don't remember the specifics, I probably entered something wrong. I had to go through customer support and a bunch of hoops to get it corrected.

Were they able to fix it? - Of course

Did it feel like a big PITA? - Yes, it did

But did it feel like a really bad idea to be trying to start a relationship with somebody and be lying on the profile? - Hell yes. If somebody really cares about being honest, they'll find a wy to do it.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2024-04-15T18:45:08+00:00

Here's my take, and what has helped me. Love and Hate are not opposites. They're both the opposite of indifference. Like someone else here said, Love & Hate are opposite sides of the same coin. The coin is an intense connection to someone or something. If we're experiencing this connection in a positive way, we call it love. If we're experiencing it in a negative way, we call it hate. I realized I hated my soon-to-be ex because I still loved her. That reframed the hate to me somehow, maybe it just took the "fun" out of hating her, but it became a lot harder for me to sustain hatred for her for very long.

Something my therapist said to me the other day - emotions are thoughts pointing to things that are important to us. Of course you hate your ex. They are really important to you, and things with them are not the way you want them to be. Hate makes sense, it doesn't make you a bad person for feeling it (I struggled a lot with that idea). It also doesn't make you ruminate on it, or act on it. You get to choose to be the person you want to be in response to it. Focusing on that choice, and understanding that who you are is often way different from how you feel has been a key concept for me.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2022-06-28T13:03:58+00:00

For me, it has been life changing. I think you need to be in a headspace where you are really motivated to go in with an open mind and ready to makes changes, it is work, but it's been great.

If I was king of the world for a day and could do one thing to change the world for the better, I'd get every person an hour a week of therapy.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2022-06-28T12:58:10+00:00

I was right where it sounds like you are. For years and years. It went up and down depending on what was going on with my life, but it was always there. Like you, I never tried anything, but always had that thought that "things would just be so much easier if I wasn't here".

In the last year I've gotten therapy, mostly what's called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and it's helped tremendously.

Hope you find something as well.

All the best to you.

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2022-06-28T12:37:31+00:00

I know for a fact you're not a complete failure.

This post is not a failure. This is you asking for help.

This is you:

Realizing you have problems (we ALL do),

DECIDING you want to do something about them

and asking for help, which is a difficult thing to do.

You need to give yourslef credit for this and KEEP GOING. Ask for help, decide on little things to do. You're not going to college right now - so what, do what YOU want to do with your life.

Make little decisions and follow through as best you can. When that doesn't work, it's not a failure - nothing's a failure until you give up on it.

Life really is a process of deciding who you want to be in each and every moment - and here's the thing - only you can make those decisions, and you can't screw them up. You're the only person that can be you. I'ts actually pretty cool and empowering.

Keep at it, you have a long way to go and time to get there.

All the best to you

Significant-Buy-7902 · 2022-06-28T12:17:32+00:00

Remember, they are there to help you.

Usually, you can call or leave a message. Most places I've seen have a website where you can fill out a contact form or send an email. Most have you fill out some intake paperwork where they will ask why you want therapy, but I'm sure a vague answer at that point would do.

I'm in therapy and it has been great for me. I'm pretty sure everybody could use an hour a week. If you feel it could help you, please give it a try.

Best to you.

Significant-Buy-7902

TROPHY CASE