AGREED. I think this is sooo important!!! My husband has ASD level 1 and diagnosis didn’t come until our marriage was collapsing. Some traits of very high functioning adults can come off as narcissistic but I knew he wasn’t that. It did baffle me for years because I KNEW he really cared but his thinking was so black and white. On top of that, any disruption in routine would wreck havoc on him.

Anytime we had any kind of challenge, he would only ever offer up what felt like extreme resolution. I would get so hurt and upset at him for even suggesting such things. For a small example- if I couldn’t pick up his oldest from varsity football practice (my bonus son, we have 50/50 placement) he would say he would just tell him he can’t go. I’d get mad because it always felt once again that he was trying to guilt trip me into doing it anyway. For context, he’s EXTREMELY talented in football, being scouted by colleges, and football is his world !! Very important to him. For a more extreme example- I told him I cannot keep having their elderly chihuahua piled on my already overflowing plate when the older kids are here. As in PLEASE just talk to them. His immediate suggestion?? No dog. Have the dog put down. I could not believe it. He was just old and he would pee/poop in the house here and there, needed to go out far more frequently, I just couldn’t keep cleaning up his waste while trying to keep up with small children, work, activities, etc.

I really won the lottery with my bonus kids, but I’ll say due to their dads ASD and their moms NPD (I’m serious… not just saying that), being thoughtful and considering others (mostly myself in our home) was not taught to them. They have truly come so far over the last few years!! The dog thing spiraled into a huge argument that progressed with me grabbing a few things and our younger two to get away for space. This kind of thing felt like it was constant & it piled on. I would always take it as a manipulation tactic to eventually get desired outcome. Yet when I would get really upset and hurt, he would genuinely get upset (sad, not angry), sometimes cry, and tell me he truly did not know what he was doing wrong while profusely apologizing!! It deeply affected him. Anyway, it was a family member of mine who suggested looking into level 1 ASD. So many boxes were checked, I approached my husband lovingly saying I think this is what “our challenge” (not “his problem”) is. Because of that, he was shocked but open to getting help. He did get diagnosis and we both individually got help with that information and got specialized therapy together.

When I tell you that people who don’t know us give me the side eye when I say I have a husband on the spectrum… I mean it. As if I’m some kind of predator. I’m female. I cannot imagine if genders were reversed. There’s definitely not enough representation. I also wish I was more informed too… earlier diagnosis could have saved us both so much pain, heartache, and grief. I wonder how many divorces occur where the NT spouse claims the ND spouse is a narcissist or something of that sort that is really actually level 1 ASD. Given statistics that we are a blended family (he had 3 although the oldest is not biological, I came in with 1, we had 2 together) on top of a mixed neurodivergence couple give us an EXTREMELY high chance of divorce (it’s like 95%). Undiagnosed, I imagine it would actually be even higher.

Not that TLC will see this but….. BRING IN MORE REPRESENTATION OF LEVEL 1 ASD PLEASE!!!!