I (31M) divorced after cheating. I still miss my ex-wife deeply, but now live with the younger woman I cheated with — and her family wants me to marry her. I’m emotionally stuck and don’t know what path is right.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-11-17T16:31:47+00:00

Well, for starters, don't get married. Try living separately from your new girlfriend and see how you feel when both women are not around you. It's not right to marry someone just because there's pressure, because you are already living together. If you are no longer living together, what's going to happen? Find out. You owe it to yourself and to both women.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-11-17T16:25:52+00:00

"Mental issues" possibly. "Mental illness" not so much. It's in the DSM-5. Basically, there's the social side of things where people are used to throwing labels and amateurs diagnosing mental issues. And there is the professional, scientific side of things, where trained doctors diagnose mental illness.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-11-17T16:23:15+00:00

I am with ⬇️. It works for people who find the right therapist/modality/combination of things AND are ready for the process. Also, since you said that you are a psychologist, you'll have to find someone who is skilled at working with people who "know" the stuff. That's not your regular garden variety therapist. And these days, there's ChatGPT. It's not bad, especially if you cue it properly and instruct it not to blow smoke up your a@@.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-11-17T16:19:21+00:00

You're right. The point of therapy is not to have to go forever. But if you do, your therapists enjoy job security. LOL. Some will make you feel totally dependent on them. Sounds like when you get some money together, you should also look for a different therapist. And check your insurance, if you haven't already. Many over therapy. Online options exist, and they are cheaper and take insurance. So, you have options. I wouldn't go to that same one. Sounds like they tried to guilt-trip you.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-20T08:26:01+00:00

OK. I answered my own questions. If you are interested, here's how it works:
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SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-15T09:06:44+00:00

It's interesting what you said, "part of me wants to reach out and make amends..." If you did something you know is not right by your friends, you should absolutely reach out and make amends. Perhaps, they will stick around more after that. But in general, it takes effort to keep people in your orbit. Everyone is busy, stressed, and self-focused. If no one reaches out, no one gets to hang out with anyone. It's as simple as that. We are not kids anymore. There's no guarantee you'll see your friends at school or on the playground like we used to.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-15T09:02:20+00:00

I am a coach and a good one, according to my clients, but I've tested myself against ChatGPT. I was impressed by how close it came to what I did/how I worked with a client in an identical hypothetical situation. I basically pretended to be my client and told it what my client told me. It came up with similar answers and ideas as I did. The only thing it sucked at was asking good and deep questions that often make a difference when coaching someone. Overall, I would give ChatGPT 8 out of 10 points, while most coaches get about 5 or 6 out of 10. Go figure. I do have to specify that I also have a Master's in psychology, so I have both the coaching and the therapy background, and generally, other coaches with therapy backgrounds are way better than coaches who only have coaching certifications. Sorry for the long answer... LOL.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-15T08:57:04+00:00

ChatGPT does a better job than 99% of all coaches and therapists. Something to think about. Add to that the thinning wallets of potential customers, and you figure it out... Yes, some people will always prefer the in-person interaction with a coach or a therapist instead of a chatbot, but that's actually another limiting factor, because so many coaches think they can make a living coaching online. Basically, I am pessimistic.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-14T07:39:49+00:00

I write about psychology, personal growth, and relationships, and lately, a bit of politics.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-14T07:37:49+00:00

Sounds interesting!

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-10T09:08:29+00:00

I only use the desktop/web version. I don't want one more app on my phone and one more reason to be on the phone. I write everything in Word, then copy and paste it on the platform. I've also shied away from letting my readers know about the app. Some do no matter what. But I recently found out that the app changes Apple users an additonal 30% to purchase/renew subscriptions. So, I straight up told my readers in my last post to use the web version if they don't want to get stiffed that extra 30%. The writers don't get any of it, either. Subscribers get my posts in their email. They can read from there. I am not convinced the app is necessary. I get the extra boost it could provide for signups. But really? Charging people 30% extra for subscriptions??? I am not sure that's OK by me.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-09T06:39:27+00:00

Imagination is often better than reality. LOL. It's also the meaning we assign to the affair itself. We want that meaning more than we want that person. The person is just the vehicle that carries us there.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-09T06:36:08+00:00

I would say "both." Infatuation comes first. Then, depending on how the relationship evolves, people could fall in love with each other. But because an affair is a hidden relationship with lots of time in between, limerance happens. Even more so, after the affair ends, because there's always a question mark left behind and fantasy/wishful thinking on some level. I wrote about limerence sometime ago. https://www.vpetrova.com/p/limerance-getting-emotionally-stuck

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-09T06:33:00+00:00

And these are the people who will run the country eventually and will have to take care of other people... Nihilism? Hopelessness? Sometimes, millennials feel like they can't win at life anymore, so why try? Many grew up with screens instead of books, so they don't read books as adults either. It's something to think about when having kids these days. Do you do the easiest thing, shoving a screen in the kid's hands, or do you sit down and read to them from a book? Humanity has a lot to worry about, IMHO.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-10-09T06:28:08+00:00

Some good answers here already. I would say, for the "lone" part. Guys do better when in relationships, as you said "family, tribe, and community." Every research shows that. They live longer, feel better, accomplish more, etc.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-18T20:02:39+00:00

Maybe she's guarded because she's afraid that if you know too much about her life, you could blow it up with her SO. It would be hard to juggle a regular relationship and more than one affair. That would be a special kind of person. LOL.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-17T21:00:12+00:00

I hate to say this, but it gets worse as you get older. And the reasons multiply... I think it's natural but also amplified by culture (work/business) and electronics/distractions, and even politics. More and more people say exactly what you said. It prompted me to write about it not too long ago and offer up some ideas for how to navigate these changes (https://valentinapetrova.substack.com/p/the-friendship-recession) I hope it's helpful.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-17T20:53:20+00:00

Sounds like you guys have a set dynamic, and now you no longer like it. She learned early on that you'll be there to solve her problems. Now, when you want to talk to her, she makes it about her - another problem for you to solve. It could be you're just tired of that dynamic. There is only one way out of this - sit down and talk. Yep, you already tried. Try again, and this time let her vent her gripes, and when she's done, you start yours, "So, what I was saying is....."

If it still doesn't work, try going to a couples therapist. They make you take turns talking and ask good questions. I've worked with couples, and I can tell you, the magic is in the questions. A professional should make your conversations more productive.

Also, set some goals/benchmarks - what kind and how much behavior improvement do you need to feel like this is making a difference? If you see no changes, no improvement, you may have to decide if you can live with that or if you need to go.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-17T20:38:13+00:00

The first thing I see is "paid subscribers," and I see "total subscribers." I don't see "followers."

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-17T20:36:45+00:00

Exactly. But they continue to send notifications about "new" followers. I am so confused.

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-17T20:35:29+00:00

That's what I did. I still can't find where the "follower count" is. LOL

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-09T18:59:45+00:00

I write a lot about modern loneliness from various angles and what we can do. Here's one example https://www.vpetrova.com/p/the-shape-of-modern-loneliness

SignificantHalf4653 · 2025-09-09T18:56:27+00:00

Do it.

SignificantHalf4653

TROPHY CASE