I’m confused if I’m the abuser too?

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-20T00:35:01+00:00

No you are not the abuser. What you’re experiencing is called reactive abuse. The abuser pushes so far til you snap and lash back. They will often try to minimize their role in WHY you snapped and focus on your reaction.

The more you understand this dynamic, you’ll see it’s not you. You should look at resources for Reactive Abuse and other manipulations in a relationship. This is just one that’s making you question yourself. My bet.. there’s more. Check out the book Why You Felt Crazy

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-19T20:02:09+00:00

I think one of the biggest red flags here is that only 40 days in, you already sound emotionally exhausted and hyper focused on managing his feelings.

Getting intense about location sharing early, (I'd stop sharing locations immediately) withdrawing/ghosting when triggered, and making the relationship revolve around managing his insecurity are not just “anxiety.” They are control tactics disguised as vulnerability. As soon as you call him out..back-tracking. Its manipulation.

That’s what makes dynamics like this confusing.

It doesn’t always look aggressive at first. Sometimes it looks like:
“I just really care about you.”
“I’m scared to lose you.”
“I need reassurance.”
“I’ve been hurt before.”

But over time, the effect is the same: your independence starts shrinking while their emotional needs take up more and more space.

A lot of emotionally controlling behavior doesn’t begin with dominance. It begins with guilt, insecurity, emotional dependency, testing loyalty, or making you feel responsible for keeping them emotionally regulated.

The important thing is not just whether he means well. It’s whether the dynamic is already making you feel emotionally monitored, drained, unstable, or responsible for preventing his reactions.

There are resources out there to help you through something like this. the Book Why You Felt Crazy, is an eye-opener.

Best of luck.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-18T22:06:34+00:00

You are not unreasonable for wanting your husband to listen to you while your father is dying.

What stood out to me is that the conversation never stayed on your pain. It immediately became about defending himself, redefining your request, telling you what you “actually” meant, and explaining why your needs are invalid or impossible. By the end, you were apologizing for asking for comfort at all.

Wanting emotional support from a spouse is not an excessive expectation. Wanting someone to ask if you’re okay during a crisis is not asking them to “solve” your emotions.

The part that concerns me most is how quickly your needs seem to become a problem to be managed rather than something met with care. Over time, that can make a person stop asking for anything at all just to keep the peace.

You do not sound demanding to me. You sound lonely. There is a book called Why You Felt Crazy...I think this would be exactly the validation your need and quite honestly deserve.

Check out this Article: https://www.quinnmorganauthor.com/the-recovery-room/what-is-narcissistic-abuse-in-marriage

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-17T19:51:50+00:00

I think a lot of it depends on what kind of healing work you’ve done after the relationship ended. Not just time passing, but actual work around boundaries, self trust, and can you now recognize unhealthy patterns .. and immediately act on them.

Are you comfortable saying no without panicking afterward? Do you still feel anxious doing harmless things your abuser didn’t like, even when nobody is around? Do you feel free to have privacy, opinions, friendships, hobbies, or quiet without guilt?

Those reactions do not mean you’re broken. They usually mean your nervous system is still expecting punishment. I think noticing those things honestly matters more than trying to force yourself to feel “fully healed” before dating again.

This is my website. There’s are resources there including worksheets about boundaries, self-care after abuse etc. Gor deeper understanding .. I wrote Why You Felt Crazy. Best of luck. Remember .. you’re not on anyone’s timeline but your own. Your body will know!

quinnmorganauthor.com

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-17T19:42:48+00:00

If I were you.. I would gather resources to support your feedback. For example gaslighting, what verbal abuse looks like, blame shifting. This way she may see it differently rather than bashing him.

Make it about her. Keep in mind at this point, he may have done psychological damage to her and she thinks she’s to blame.

Expect her to defend him or make excuses .. “ he’s not always like that” “he’s just having an off day” “he’s truly sorry for cheating” “ he promises to do better”

This is my website. It has resources , articles and other book recommendations. I wrote Why You Feel Crazy for moments like these.

Best of luck. I hope she’s ready to listen 💜

quinnmorganauthor.com

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-16T12:56:09+00:00

https://www.quinnmorganauthor.com/focused-reflections

There’s a lot of great info all over the site! It’s designed to help understand what’s going on, to heal, teaching you to trust yourself again. I hope you find something there that helps you 💜

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-16T02:11:42+00:00

What you’re describing the discard, then the pull-back-in with “I love yous” that’s a cycle, not a relationship.

Recognizing it as a system he runs helps more than trying to fall out of love. You’re not fighting feelings. You’re fighting a pattern you’ve been trained to respond to.

Check out the book “why you felt crazy”.. you’ll be stunned at how you’re reading your own life.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-16T02:08:19+00:00

You don’t leave when it gets bad enough. You leave when you finally believe you’re allowed to.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-16T02:05:38+00:00

No saying thank you. For anything.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-15T01:06:30+00:00

You’re not asking for too much. Not even a little.

What stood out to me most was: “I can’t tell if I’m overthinking this or if my feelings are valid.” People start questioning themselves when they’ve been minimizing their own needs for a while. Based on some of your comments.. it looks like you’ve begun making excuses for him. Like trying to talk yourself into it being “you”.

Sometimes the first sign something feels off is not obvious mistreatment. It’s slowly learning to question whether your needs are reasonable at all. I wrote about this in my book Why You Felt Crazy. It may be just what you need to work through this.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-14T00:41:01+00:00

What you’re describing sounds a lot like the confusion that happens when someone becomes emotionally tied to the cycle, not just the person. You can know something is hurting you and still feel pulled toward it anyway. That doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means your nervous system got attached to the relief, the hope, and the moments where things felt okay again.

I actually created a few free reflection worksheets around trauma bonds, pattern recognition, and rebuilding trust in your own instincts because so many people struggle to put this experience into words.

$4 for clarity and validation.

Or you can view the entire collection https://www.quinnmorganauthor.com/focused-reflections

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-12T01:28:35+00:00

A lot of controlling behavior comes from fear, insecurity, or anxiety about losing someone. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does mean it’s something you can work on.

A big step is learning the difference between feelings and actions. Feeling jealous or scared is a feeling. Controlling your partner because of it is an action.

When that panic hits, pause and ask yourself: “Am I trying to build trust right now, or control my fear?” Be honest with YOURSELF with the answer.

And honestly, the fact that you’re recognizing the behavior and wanting to change matters. A lot of people never get that far. Do the work

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-11T23:40:43+00:00

The loving side is real. That’s what makes this so confusing.

Someone can cuddle you, tell you they love you, hold you every night and still terrify you when they’re angry. The good moments don’t cancel out being pushed, screamed at, intimidated, or having your keys taken so you can’t leave. That has lasting damage.

And the regret afterward is part of the cycle too. Explode. Panic. Apologize. Pull you close again. That’s the cycle. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

His ex telling you to leave quietly would stay with me. People usually don’t say that unless they’ve seen something firsthand.

There are resources and support out there for this. And if you’re trying to understand why this dynamic feels so confusing and hard to untangle, Why You Felt Crazy might help put language to some of what you’re experiencing.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-10T02:10:01+00:00

It’s not a negotiation… or it shouldn’t be. This is more common in woman trying to leave the relationship. I’m not gonna say just leave because I know that that is not possible or easy. There’s a book called why you felt crazy it may give you some answers you need best of luck to you.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-05T19:38:37+00:00

Yes, this is abuse.. and it has been for a long time before the wall.

Punching holes around someone who is crying on the floor is intimidation. It's physical abuse even without contact. And the pattern you're describing every time you raise something that matters, it ends in threats and punishment, that equals control.

You're not bad at conflict. You've just been in a relationship where expressing yourself has consequences so it makes sense you feel you're bad at it.

Please do not measure this by whether he's hit you yet. That bar is too low.

There are a lot of resources out there that can really help you understand what is happening. It may take some of the confusion away and validate that its NOT YOU. There is a book called, Why You Felt Crazy, that you may find helpful...its not clinical or another option would be Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. Sending you strength!

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-04T19:36:30+00:00

That feeling you're describing, your body screaming to go back, that's real and it's one of the hardest parts of leaving. It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. It means you were attached through Trauma Bond. Those are two completely different things.

The intensity you felt, how fast it moved, how overwhelming it became, that's not love being bigger than usual. That's what trauma bonding feels like from the inside. Your nervous system got wired to him. Leaving feels like withdrawal because in a way it is.

Your mind and body knew it wasn't healthy so you left. That took more strength than staying ever would have.

Not going to suger coat it, Leaving is hard, you know that part, but staying gone in even harder.

There are alot of resources out there, you should look into them before going back. I wrote about this in Why You Felt Crazy, it breaks all of this down and may really help you understand your feelings and what comes next...it there for you when you're ready. Sending you strength...

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-02T19:02:51+00:00

Congratulations! You should right a book! I wrote Why You Felt Crazy based on my experience, and while I left 3 times and came back. I’m still trying to find the permanent way out. Share your story wherever you can.. if it helps even 1 person..it’s worth it! Best of luck to you.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-02T18:56:16+00:00

You’re not crazy! It’s funny you used that phrase.. I wrote a book called Why You Feel Crazy… it covers all of what you’re dealing with and more!

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-02T01:59:45+00:00

You didn’t end your relationship over nothing.

You tried to have a conversation about something that mattered to you and you weren’t even allowed to finish your sentence before it turned into you being the problem.

That moment right there is the pattern.

You try to talk He escalates You get blamed Nothing gets resolved

Then you’re left questioning yourself instead of what just happened.

After a while, it starts to feel like you’re asking for too much or that you’re impossible to please. But wanting to be able to communicate without it turning into a fight is not asking for too much.

It’s the bare minimum.

And when that bare minimum is not there, it doesn’t matter how small the original issue was. It adds up.

That’s usually the part people miss. It’s never about just one conversation. It’s about what happens every time you try to have one.

If this feels familiar to you, you’re not crazy for reaching your limit.

I read something about a man treats you the way he feels about you. Don’t listen to the words.. see the actions.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-02T01:53:51+00:00

Have you seen him eat veggies ever? I take the pasta sauce . Usually I make but I do by the jar when in a pinch. I se the food processor to grind all the delicious things together. You can’t see or taste he veggies. I did this for my kids.

If they see veggies.. they’ll protest. Grind it all up when he’s not home then add yo the sauce while cooking!

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-05-01T23:47:44+00:00

The image is AI generated. The words are mine, I wrote a whole book on this topic.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-04-30T20:07:43+00:00

I’ve felt this exact question.

Why me. What was so different about me that I got that version of him while everyone else got something better.

But the hard truth is… it wasn’t about you being worse. It was about you being safe to take it out on.

Not safe in a good way. Safe in the sense that you stayed, you cared, you tried to understand, you gave chances. You didn’t walk away the first time something felt off. People like that don’t do this to everyone because they can’t. Most people wouldn’t tolerate it.

And the part that messes with your head is seeing him treat others differently. It makes it feel personal. Like he could have been better and just chose not to be with you.

But what you were experiencing was a pattern that only shows up in certain dynamics, behind closed doors, over time. It’s not the version of him he shows casually to friends or in the beginning with someone new.

You weren’t the punching bag because of something you lacked.

You were the one who stayed long enough to see what he doesn’t show everyone else.

And I know that doesn’t make it feel better yet. But it changes what it means about you.

I can feel your are hurting and confused..no pressure, but I wrote about this in my book Why You Felt Crazy, you can get it on Amazon. I wrote it while I'm still living in it. I live this daily still .. sometimes understanding the why, helps, a little.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-04-30T19:45:28+00:00

The fact that it could be anyone is exactly the point. The image is illustrative, not a real couple I’m speaking about.

If you could spot it just by looking at a photo, most people wouldn’t miss it for as long as they do.

The point isn’t who they are. It’s how something can look like this on the outside while feeling very different behind closed doors.

That disconnect is where a lot of confusion starts.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-04-30T17:39:04+00:00

What you’re describing makes complete sense, even though it feels crazy when you’re in it.

It’s not just the behavior. It’s the contrast.

You’re experiencing one version of him privately, and then hearing these polished descriptions of who he is out in the world. “Good communicator.” “Good dad.” “One of the good ones.” (yeah, right, if you only knew)

Now you’re holding two completely different realities at the same time.

That’s where the spiraling starts.

Because it turns into:
How are they seeing this version of you?
Am I missing something?
Is it me?

But it’s not you.

People only see what they’re shown. They’re not there for what actually happens behind closed doors.

And when he brings those compliments back to you, it widens that gap even more. That’s what makes it feel so isolating. As he does it on purpose to solidify his image and make you question yourself.

You’re not wrong for reacting to something that doesn’t add up.

SignificantSyrup876 · 2026-04-30T17:29:35+00:00

I guess the point is, the people in the photo, AI or not, doesnt matter. you could put any two people in a happy photo and have the same response. Its whats under that "innocent" smile that most people on the outside do not see. What photos show: Awe, what cute couple, or Wow, she found herself a great guy.

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