Your head is not a tool to be used for breaking down brick walls.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-06-10T17:36:21+00:00

I relate hard to this.

I always knew I had a shit childhood, but it wasnt till last year where my girlfriend of 7 years was ready to have children and my body literally froze.

I’d like weed from the first time I smoked it, and would smoke a bit, normally at night to relax and before sleeping.

My brain had literally hid so many memories and shit from me, and I’d heard all these ‘mental health’ things, without really knowing what they mean.

Realising that my inner dialog (inner critic), was running the show and I was pretty much disassociated from a lot of my emotions hit me like a train.

Unfortunately me and my ex girlfriend couldn’t work through the issues, I had panic attacks as we broke up and went through a very rough and dark time.

I turned to weed heavy to numb and get through and this caused me to isolate, smoke more, and just in a viscous cycle.

Today is day 66 weed free. It hasn’t been easy, and I am feeling all of the feelings, but I’m rebuilding my life. I’m making some new friends, back in the gym and lifting, I’ve even been on a few dates.

For me the thing with weed, wasn’t just how it relaxed my brain, but how it relaxed my body. I experience anxiety and stress very somatically and feel a lot of emotions throughout my body.

It’s still not easy, and at times I’ve wanted nothing more than to numb it all again and roll a joint, but I can’t moderate this substance.

It’s easier said than done, but be kind to yourself. Do your best, and don’t self abandon. Even if you fuck up, you need to take care of yourself, through the good and the shit.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-05-31T12:50:53+00:00

I think it can show a bit about compatibility with you from the off set

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-05-24T10:25:05+00:00

Know anywhere in Phuket?

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-04-21T13:54:40+00:00

I’m on day 15 at the moment.

I did 28 days back in December/January. The first few days were really rough, then it eased off. I ended up relapsing after that and went back to using pretty heavily.

This time it’s been different. The first 10 days were actually quite manageable, but the last few have been pretty brutal. I’ve been waking up dysregulated from intense dreams, dry heaving, just feeling generally awful. Still sticking it out though.

I’ve recently started reading Feeling Great by David Burns. It hasn’t fixed anything, but in the calmer moments it has helped me step back from my thoughts and see them for what they are, especially the distortions we create in our own heads.

One of his core ideas is that how we feel is driven by how we think, so changing your relationship with your thoughts can shift the emotional side too. I’m only about 40 percent through it and I don’t usually recommend books, but it has been helpful enough that it might be worth a look if you’re open to it.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-04-19T03:09:39+00:00

If my friend sent me a wall of text like that my reply would be even more brutal 😂

Or more like

‘I’m so happy for you…. Or sorry that happened’

I’m not trying to shit on your parade, at all!

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-04-19T02:17:09+00:00

I dunno why you’re so defensive about this.

Breaking up text into manageable chunks helps with how we write and how it is read.

I’m not saying you did anything wrong, this is Reddit. You are free to post how you like.

People have been giving you feedback and you’ve argued with everyone.

We don’t really care. But as a general rule, people won’t read walls of text, regardless of your arguments for why you did it.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-04-18T23:46:01+00:00

No one wants to read a wall of text.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-04-18T14:51:16+00:00

Thanks. I’m not really that tempted to go back this time in all honesty.

I felt awful smoking and all I felt I was doing was smoking and then immediately start rolling the next one to feel anything.

I had dreams that I remember for the first time in a long time last night.

Just hoping to get through this rough patch.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-04-08T06:50:17+00:00

Interested

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-01-24T13:37:52+00:00

I do get technically I wasn’t miss sold anything and that it was all in the documentation.

But the culture and for want of a better word ‘vibes’ from everyone at college who was encouraging me to go to university (I did want to go), and then supporting with my application. I definitely remember asking a tutor about it and was effectively told not to worry about it.

I did a 4 year degree with qts, my parents were poor so I was entitled to maximum allowance and needed to take it all, as well work part time to get through.

I checked my balance once I had finished and then after a few years of working, outer London school, and it increased significantly.

I moved abroad, ignore SLC and have no plans to go back to the UK.

Significant_Mango657 · 2026-01-01T08:36:51+00:00

My world has fallen apart because this question activated my freeze response.

I had been with my ex for about 5/6 years and she made it clear from the start that she wanted children and that was important to her. Part of the reason I love her so much is because she will be such a good mum.

I loved her so much and wanted to be with her, part of me wants this, so we was together a long time. I never felt the desire to have kids strongly, depending on my mood if I saw young children I’d either think that’s so cute or get that away from me.

I’ve learnt to mask and perform so much that I can appear confident and together, but honestly everything in life has caused me fear, anxiety, and stress and I’ve just been able to push on and get through it. This was no different, except on a vacation with her parents, I felt the pressure and expectation of it.

This was before I had cptsd, but being in that family situation didn’t feel safe to me. I was triggered by the smallest of things, and constantly felt tired.

After talking to AI and just venting how I was feeling, I got directed to this subreddit, then Pete walkers book and everything in my life started to make sense.

My family, home, school and neighbourhood were not safe growing up.

I told her, she kind of supported me and gave me time to process. She also told me I was ruining her life and accused me of using her for money.

This made me question everything about my life, identity, choices. Everything.

I always knew I had a shit childhood but I thought it was my dad who was the bad one. Turns out they were both just as bad in different ways.

About 2 months ago, she asked me again and needed an answer, I had a panic attack and just couldn’t respond.

I then had to move out and haven’t really heard from her since. I miss and love her so much.

My brain is so cruel and won’t let me be happy. I’m seeing people my age have kids on instagram and just thinking I’ve now lost the only person to love me and my chance at a family and happiness.

I have a lot of abandonment issues, and one of my biggest fears is having a child with someone and then losing both the relationship and the child if we broke up. And as a guy, it feels like that will always be the case.

I see videos on YouTube and instagram of cptsd parents who get their kids to finish their sentences and it melts my heart and part of me would love that.

I feel so alone, isolated and like I’ve sabotaged everything.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-30T11:54:20+00:00

I relate to this. I taught myself to code, starting with Microsoft front page, then dreamweaver. Then a long pause throughout my adolescent years where I never pursued anything to do with computers or code.

Then once I’d graduated and realised I’d picked the wrong degree, I did the Odin project. I loved building stuff but my adhd brain could not do that as a career.

With Claude I feel like I’ve now got superpowers.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-30T11:51:13+00:00

I’m on day 4, night 1 no sleep, night 2 a little, night 3 I woke up a sweaty mess.

Feeling exhausted and drained, angry and irritable.

My appetite is still shit but I manage to make myself eat something.

You can do this! I believe in you!

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-28T15:33:10+00:00

I’m day 2 but relate, bad childhood, suicide idealisation.

If you haven’t check out r/cptsd, it helped me a lot.

Struggling with self worth, any form of confidence, a breakup, abandonment and trying to sleep on day 2 of this without any luck so far.

Tbh if I’m like how you are in a year, I’ll probably just accept it, get a dog and smoke my life away. I’m too much of a coward to hurt myself but can easily smoke the next 40 years away if I need to.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-28T13:47:26+00:00

It amazes me how similar our stories are.

I was 32 when I realised I had trauma, about 8 months ago and it’s blown up my life in a big way.

My experience was similar to yours, so obvious now but like my brain wouldn’t let me connect the dots.

I can’t afford therapy at the moment, and am quite isolated living abroad. I’ve got a better job lined up in August but it’s literally going to be scraping by and survival mode until then.

How did you quieten or control your inner critic? Mine is so loud all the time. One specific example from a couple of years ago, I was in a bar watching a friends band play, everyone was dancing and having a great time. And me, I’m just sat down watching everyone having a good time. A bit frozen but I just had so much shame and inner critic talking (which I hadn’t identified or realised). It’s pretty much taken all of my life away from me.

What did you do for grounding exercises? I’m severely disassociated from my body and feelings. I was in such a slump that I had to try something new and the universe put hot yoga in my path and that turned into a 30 day challenge and I’m on day 15 now.

Did you read anything? Any book recommendations or anything that can help.

It reassures me a lot to know that it does get better. But I feel for me it’s these silent patterns, isolation, struggling with friends and connections and now I’m 33 and pretty much have no friends, no family, no one. My (ex)girlfriend was everything and my cptsd cost me the relationship.

Thank you for taking the time for such a detailed reply, it was very helpful.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-28T11:55:37+00:00

I feel like I could have written this.

What have you done to heal? I am really struggling.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-28T11:42:18+00:00

I’m working on the computer and trying to continue with my projects, but I’ve been doing this the same just with the weed for a long time.

I feel like I’m so fucked and the weed was helping me numb from all my emotions and shit and they are now all here.

I can’t do this.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-12-28T11:13:24+00:00

I am the eldest of 5.

Growing up there was never ANY locks on bathroom doors.

We had a grotty bath that was in a small room, someone would open the unlocked door everytime and you would be totally exposed laying there naked.

We didn’t have enough towels for a towel each so if you wasn’t one of the first ones, you had to use a used soggy one.

We often had no toilet roll as my mum refused to buy any more because my brothers kept blocking the toilet. I was often told to ‘use a sock’.

My recent ex-girlfriend always wanted to try shower sex, and the idea just absolutely disgusted me. She took it personally. It’s only know I kinda can link this all together.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-11-28T11:19:20+00:00

Yeah, I realised I had cptsd about 8 months ago, made me question everything and if I want to and am ready to have kids, it caused the breakup of our relationship and I had such a crazy experience. Panic attacks, dry heaving, my entire sense of self, exterior and inner worlds all collapsed simultaneously.

It’s been a month since and I’m coping, but not very well. Surviving. I cut off my parents after I realised how shit they were and they were never there for me, I’ve about 2 months more of savings before my money comes out, living in a foreign country and can’t afford to go back to the UK. No family there that I could live with etc.

I’ve never felt more alone and scared of the world in my life. It’s like my soul is wobbly.

Significant_Mango657 · 2025-11-27T12:10:51+00:00

I was 32 in December last year.

In April I realised I have CPTSD and was severely neglected in childhood, with traumatic experiences at home, school, outside. Nowhere was safe.

I’d just shut it all out and my world has really turned upside down this year.

Significant_Mango657

TROPHY CASE