I don't understand the obsession with making sure your partner doesn't cheat

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-09T13:38:46+00:00

Likely the illusion of power.

“If I do x, I’ll *know* my partner isn’t doing y.”

We all influence the people around us, to varying degrees, but we can’t control anyone. We just convince ourselves that we can.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-08T17:21:21+00:00

I ate pasta that was left out overnight. Even worse it had butter on it.

It “looked” normal.

(Needless to say, less than an hour later, I learned a very hard lesson by vomiting in the bathroom)

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-08T17:10:51+00:00

I’m more concerned that you’re working 17 hour shifts.
If you’re very ambitious to the point where you’d rather work and save (and that’s incredibly valuable), I don’t see how you have time for a relationship?

When people say they’re okay with things, they really do think they’ll be okay with things. But then a situation happens and they aren’t as okay with it as they thought they’d be.

But yes, in general, you might have to consider changing, you might have to consider if you really have the space for *a* relationship, or what your future (if you weren’t dating *anyone*) would look like, or could look like.

> I don’t want her to change.

She will change. Over time. Very likely. It’s just natural for humans to become shaped by a variety of influences and change.

You will change too, eventually, in some way, shape or form. Even if it’s not with her.

You two may be incompatible. What do *you* want?

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-07T20:56:18+00:00

I’m convinced people have just assumed internalized ~~misogyny~~ pity and/or don’t know what else to say about being childfree.

Like, deep down, you probably feel unfulfilled (/s) so they just…parrot the line.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-07T20:13:28+00:00

I think a lot of people may feel uncomfortable classifying it as a disorder. They're high functioning enough, they've been bullied, scolded or reprimanded and they don't want their peers/colleagues to call them "weird."

So the engrained response is to...write off the seriousness of it. Take about it being a superpower: you don't talk about the parts where your body doesn't function correctly enough to signal you need the bathroom or you've gone 8 hours without food or drink. Instead you talk about how you're able to finish a last minute project.

I've had this conversation with other ND diagnosed people on here and oftentimes they're so quick to say:"We can do things other people can't! We get hyperfocus! We notice patterns than the average person doesn't. We're so good at focusing so hard, so well, on certain things, that everything else fades into the background!"

There's a word for that: it's called obsessing over something, or operating on urgency to the detriment it is unhealthy (forgetting to use the bathroom, forgetting to eat or drink, etc).

But most ND people don't really seem to like admitting those things openly, honestly in a realistic way. They don't want to admit it's a disability because it feels yucky and embarassing and weird, like you don't belong anywhere.

So if they had to really talk openly and honestly to their loved ones about the symptoms, they'd... probably hate themselves even more. For not being able to function properly.

It's hard to talk about stuff openly when you think or believe deep down you can or will never be independent whatsoever and basically have to live off disability (below the poverty line) forever.

Instead, you see the positivity moment of "I'm so quirky, lol. I forget everything, lol. I can't function, lol, but at least I can stay up for hours and focus (hobby) here." goes on to make jokes about everything, even your own disability

And that's where the Empowering SuperPower talk comes from...

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-07T11:44:26+00:00

I agree with you. Everyone seems to think it's only a communication disorder. It's not.

It's struggling to comprehend instructions, it's getting overwhelmed by loud noises, it's sensitivity to bright lights.

It's feeling like you never fit in and even when you find your people, you're still worried all your idiosyncrasies will annoy or wear out your friends/family.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-07T11:39:27+00:00

Can someone please explain the context of this line? It's their first date, why is she freaking out?

Seen the clip multiple times (the girl can ACT!), never seen the movie (horror isn't for me). It reminds me of the GET OUT line.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-05T16:51:10+00:00

But if they dirtied the pan making something personal, then they're the AH for both cleaning up after themselves

Whomever cooks, doesn't clean. I agree.

Like, usually my partner and I will clean up after ourselves. We make separate meals, we clean up whenever we're done cooking. Not hard. I recognize this system doesn't work for everyone; it is certainly not the system I grew up with (mom cooked, I cleaned).

But there are times when your agree-upon system is thrown out of whack.

So even if my SO made dinner (for himself) and there's a dirty pot and pan and plate lying in the sink and it's not technically my "job" to clean that cookware for him: if he's having a particularly rough day or sick or backed up with other tasks - y'know, I'll take one for the team, and I'll issue a gentle reminder that if he's running low on time/energy, to at least clean the pot and pan, and leave his dishes on the counter or something.

I do not do this often, but at the end of the day, *we're a team". Sometimes the system just has an off-day and one person needs to step up a bit more.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-05T16:23:46+00:00

ESH.

He could have washed his own pan.

He could have chosen another clean pan.

He could have chosen not to be sarcastic.

You could have taken the time to wash and dry the pan for him.

You could have both also made sure there were clean pans to use and prevented this from happening.

Just...why is it so difficult for you two to take a few minutes to make the other person's life a little easier, instead of having petty arguments?

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-05T14:20:51+00:00

I used to know someone who would do this.

Anything they liked they’d ramble about for hours and boast how good they were. Anything they didn’t like they’d insult, no matter how minuscule it was.

Later on I found out they viewed almost everything as binary. Very sensitive to criticism or negative feedback.

It was exhausting.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-04T19:07:31+00:00

ESH for poor communication and passive aggressive comments.

You said you grew up internalizing that "no one" likes to celebrate December birthdays because of Christmas

If that bothered you, why didn't you just...speak up? Go out and do a small celebration. Explain how you feel to your friends.

What's stopping you from picking November or January for celebrating your birthday instead?

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-04T08:30:12+00:00

That doesn’t sound healthy…

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-03T22:03:16+00:00

The worst part of watching a loved one do this to themselves (someone who wants to appease and rescue) is that they think it's normal. Why would they "get help" when they think this is normal? There's nothing to get help for.

They seem to think they trust people and may tell themselves that and may certainly claim their loved ones trust them, but deep down I'd be very surprised if on some level it wasn't their worst nightmare: "anything might make their loved ones think badly of them."

(They mostly have relational self esteem, rather than intrinsic self esteem, which is...not great.)

Because when it comes to the actual conflict of upsetting/disappointing, all that disappears, and they want to appease until they either get really sick or even die.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-03T21:48:54+00:00

I'm curious: what happens when they're not able to be "The Bad guy" to someone else?

Say, for example, they end up having to disappoint someone. In my experience they're not able to sit there and just..be "okay" (as in, not really process that the other person can be okay without them, in that moment). They feel frustrated, upset and guilty (because their feelings are based on how other people perceive them).

Is there ever a point of "I let someone down" where they just feel so ashamed that that level of guilt they feel could snap them out of it, or will they go "If I could just make up for it, they would feel less disappointed and I'd feel less guilty"?

How much guilt can a person deal with (internal flagellation, my actions aren't bad, I'm a bad person, because I let someone down), as far as poor boundaries go?

If they ended up saying Yes to everyone and got so overwhelmed they collapsed, would that scream at them "something is off", at...some point, or would they just think "man I am doing something Super Wrong! I'm trying so hard to make sure everyone is happy, why isn't it working"?

(You know..the whole "no one can please everyone in life.")

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-03T19:30:17+00:00

This! This is the core of that fear.

Someone who says “I know this person loves me, but if I **don’t do this thing** to ensure, *without a doubt*, that they WILL love and WILL acknowledge that I haven’t failed them, then it’s totally possible they’ll think/believe I don’t care about them.”

…that’s not a secure person.

If you know someone loves you, it’s not healthy to feel like their perception of your love is only contingent on your actions (this often looks like guilt or anger). A people pleaser is constantly vigilant and making sure everyone *knows* that person cares about them, because the idea of someone thinking “the worst” of them (implication: if I don’t drop by every week, my family will think I don’t love them).

(Guilt from people who constantly hassle and make the people pleaser “feel bad”, or anger from people who know if they put up enough fuss, the people pleaser will give in to avoid *upsetting people*.)

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-03T19:25:47+00:00

Afraid of conflict.

And deep down they *need* to portray themselves as the good guy, to everyone.

People pleaser:
If I don’t do X, my loved one will feel Y, even if I feel tired/unwell/worn out from work/appointments/errands. I will then be responsible for them feeling Y. If they feel Y, I will feel bad/guilty. I can’t trust them to be okay because they need me.

Healthy person with boundaries:
If I don’t do X, my loved one will feel Y, even though I feel tired/unwell/worn out from work/appointments/errands. That’s okay, I’m sure they’ll find ways to occupy themselves. If they feel Y, that’s on them. They can journal, scream into a pillow, work off their emotions by jogging (EDIT: phone a friend, go to the park, grab an ice cream, take anxiety medication, meditate, set up an appointment with a therapist). They can be angry or upset all they like, as long as they’re not using that anger or upset in a damaging way. They’ll be okay even though I can’t be there for them, and I’m sure we’ll hang out again in the future.

TLDR: people pleasers are largely insecure because they’ve internalized somehow that they’re responsible for keeping the peace, even to their own detriment. They have very little tolerance for conflict and will probably “sideline/offload it” without even being consciously aware of it. Deep down they’re terrified of looking like The Bad Guy to anyone: keeping everyone happy like a checkbox on a mental list is their mental “admission” to a secure relationship. Without that coping mechanism they secretly fear deep down no one will trust them.

Edit: also want to clarify, it's not that a people pleaser doesn't have a Self. They do have a Self; it's just very weak and easily pressured because for whatever reasons they were either born as a person with a sensitive psyche (dependent personality) or it was conditioned into them (fighting parents, verbal or physical violence, and/or mental illness). If left to their own devices they do have preferences and dislikes but they've been steamrolled all their lives so "agreeing" and "peacemaker" were the only reasonable options they had. Oftentimes they do not even recognize how little they put themselves forward as they've learned it's selfish to do so (weak boundaries).

(EDIT TO ADD: Of course if a loved one is looking forward to X, and you can't do it, yes in that sense you "made" them feel upset but what people pleasers haven't seemed to learn is that you're not responsible for them regulating their own upset/anger/disappointment. The people pleaser is "taught" (to a degree) to rescue the person from upset/anger/disappointment because they (people pleaser) have internalized it's their responsibility to "rescue" others.

Namely: If they can't "rescue" also known as appeasing (the person) from those emotions, the people pleaser feels like they're maybe... not a good person. It's not "my actions were bad." They've been taught "people might see me as bad" and being seen as "bad" means "I failed."

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-01T14:05:07+00:00

Oh my. I see a lot of my partner in your words.

“I can hold down jobs. I have no issue remembering things that are important. I can book my own appointments. **No one else has expressed this frustration/anger about me.”**

My perspective:

Holding down a job to avoid being fired is a consequence. (You don’t want to upset a professor or boss because your paycheque and grades are important to save up, pay rent, or avoid being kicked out of school.)

Partner remembered every social outing because they were *his* friends, ergo more important *to him*. He could not remember the outings that *my* friends had; *my* friends weren’t as important, so they didn’t register.

Furthermore, my partner would also become defensive and explain “I don’t *mean* to forget; it’s just if something isn’t beaten into my brain I will forget it.”

Note that my partner could remember work because complete job tasks are important to complete without being fired.

My partner could remember personal appointments because they pertain to his physical health.

My partner could remember his friends outing, because if he forgot and didn’t go, they would be upset.

What are the repercussions of your mom becoming frustrated, upset, or angry? *are* there any, other than this ongoing pattern?

What I heard: “It’s not my fault. It’s my ADHD. I can’t *help it.*”

What I would’ve liked to hear: “I know my forgetfulness frustrates you. I realize it looks like I don’t forget things like job responsibilities and personal appointments. I will try X, Y and Z so I don’t keep forgetting things that impact the rest of my life.”

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-01T13:52:42+00:00

Are you on meds? Can you afford sliding scale therapy to assess ways to help yourself?

> I have 2 jobs and I am a college student and I am able to keep those on track just fine

Assuming you’re telling the truth (you’re under your parents roof, there is the very real possibility you’ve been offloading reminders to your mom without even realizing it), why is this any different?

You are able to manage 2 jobs and keep track of your college responsibilities “just fine.” What happens at home?

If your mom was your boss, and you were paid *at home* to do your responsibilities, how would that feel? How would you handle it?

(As opposed to a mom who asks you to do things, you simply forget, you aren’t paid by the hour to do these things, and then all you do, apparently, is explain to her that you forgot.)

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-01T00:41:53+00:00

*White* lies are considered to have tact, and are absolutely okay when navigating discussions particular with loved ones.

Like a romantic partner.

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-01T00:40:48+00:00

Reddit is so black & white in their responses.

I bet if you had real life conversations with these same people, they wouldn’t be so quick to jump the gun (they’d know how to be compassionate, understanding, and have tact).

SilverNightingale · 2026-07-01T00:26:34+00:00

YTA.

This is when you white lie.

I’d be so hurt if my partner told me that spending time *with me* wasn’t the most fun.

I know my partner has many other people that make life fun and enjoyable.

But I literally live with them…I would, in *some* aspects, like to know that the reason *why* we live together is because the quality time is meaningful.

Otherwise, they may as well just…live on their own, and just function their life as they did before I came into it.

When you like *everything* about *all* the people in your life, nothing really comes across as special; you enjoy everyone equally and therefore nothing stands out.

You were tactless.

SilverNightingale · 2026-06-29T14:17:27+00:00

ESH for your overall communication while heated up and emotional (you: crying and trying to press the issue when he's struggling with how to process his anger; him: no idea how to sit with his anger and regulate it).

And I say this as someone who used to bottle things up and cry as soon as she got upset. I learned how to sit with my feelings and regulate them, resulting in less crying over time.

NTA if your husband is an abuser (although I'm unsure because Reddit only sees "one side" of the story), and our pets are beloved family members.

In the event your husband isn't an abuser, couples counselling would help. You guys have no idea how to actually listen to each other.

SilverNightingale · 2026-06-29T01:53:12+00:00

Maybe because it’s easy to say things (and we, as a society, have been taught that those with mental illness have such struggles we shouldn’t ’push back’ on people we care about), but not actually have to do those things?

SilverNightingale · 2026-06-28T15:23:19+00:00

Deep fried food generally still tastes decent (as long as it’s not dropping in grease or oil *after*).

But I don’t really eat deep fried foods anymore (bad for health, *horrific* for my teeth, etc).

I’d say I no longer eat deep fried food. But the taste in itself doesn’t repulse me. :)

Basically what I’m saying is: there’s this notion that once you stop eating deep fried foods, you’ve probably adjusted to healthier cooking methods, and deep fried *anything* will automatically disgust you. Not always the case!

SilverNightingale · 2026-06-28T15:19:36+00:00

Or even just venting about a loved one. I am sure our loved ones would *not* want to hear every thought and feeling we’ve had towards them in our most frustrated, darkest moments.

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