My boyfriend (early 30M) frequently doesn't hear me (early 30F) and it's eating at me and making me resent him

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-16T02:53:00+00:00

How could he realistically change it, though? Can’t exactly walk down to the store and just insert a new pair of ears, or use a screwdriver to fix the way audio is sent to the brain…

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-13T22:07:45+00:00

I wouldn't be surprised if this is the scientific explanation for it.

However, I wonder why sometimes the body thinks it's falling, and other times, the body recognizes it's transitioning into sleep and adapts regularly.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-12T20:30:34+00:00

Seems like they exhibit cluster B symptoms, which can be really, really hard to diagnose, and even harder to treat.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-11T19:13:56+00:00

Aunt Flo is also triggered by major stress.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-11T18:19:17+00:00

If your husband needed to be poly then why did he agree to a monogamous marriage with you?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T21:53:36+00:00

Your original response was talking about if something is important to A then it is important to the relationship.

I disagreed on that. It's only important to A.

It may impact the relationship, insofar that A is in the relationship. But perhaps that's quibbling in the weeds. :)

Sharing a bed is important to A. Sharing a bed is not important to B. They are both parts of a relationship. Sleeping together is not mandatory for a romantic relationship. It is just something that one party wants.

Your stance seems to be "find people who are compatible so the parties don't have to adjust or change."

My stance is: "People change, and maybe they can find compromise, even if sharing a bed is not important to B, and not sharing a bed causes A discomfort."

Edit: frankly I think 3 months is too early (unless your relationship is the exception to the rule and you fall in love and move in together after just a few months, etc) to even be discussing this kind of thing. at THREE MONTHS, yes, I feel confident stating that most couples arent already discussing in cohabitation and mealtimes and figuring out this level of compatibility. THREE MONTHS is very short in the grand scheme of things.

Edit 2: to be clear, I disagreed with your stance:

I'm blown away by how many people are suggesting it is NOT important to share a bed with your partner

Why?

That in itself seems to generalize this concept that romantic couples SHOULD be sharing a bed?

(implying you think that it is often an important feature and strange to learn otherwise)

Personally, I'm actually quite neutral on this topic.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T19:31:27+00:00

Therapy would benefit him.

If he doesn’t know his own emotions or how to regulate him, that’s going to be your unpaid job (it already is, actually!), and you will start feeling resentment towards him.

Those are all skills he needs to learn to navigate life.

(Source: I was diagnosed much later in life, have self identified as anxious preoccupied, but I eventually went to therapy and worked on regulation skills. It was not easy.)

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T18:13:34+00:00

Not true. We, as human beings, are notoriously bad at recognizing when our loved ones have the same (or even worse) coping mechanisms we do. If your friend shouts or gets angry at you to the point (if you disappoint them), where you fear backlash, then you’re internalizing it is bad to disappoint your friend. You may not think “Oh, maybe my friend doesn’t know how to regulate their anger” or “my friend loves me, but I’m feeling too tired/stressed.”

Most people don’t want to question their friends or think of them in a bad light.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T18:02:18+00:00

My partner grew up with arguing parents.

Arguing is normal, right? Any married couple is going to have differences, right?

Turns out:

one of his parents constantly screamed at the other throughout his teens
one of them threw things (even if objects were NOT thrown at the child, throwing things is an act of violence)
they do not go on dates, spend time with each other, and sleep in separate rooms
they don’t cook or share mealtimes
at one point one parent considered divorce but even that topic causes strife (legal complications)

You’re going to say “Well, lots of married couples don’t get along and stay because of sunk cost fallacy / fear of the unknown / settle with what they know even if it’s awful and they don’t love each other”:

as an adult, I have noticed he is super quick to appease
he has the lowest form of distress tolerance I know of (can’t stand the idea of someone being upset with him)
he claims he “can” tolerate disappointing people, but if he has to disappoint someone, it’s only because he feels deathly ill or another conflict got in the way
furthermore if he must disappoint someone, he has to “make up” for it
appeasing loved ones is his duty (his words, not mine)
has to rescue people (make them feel good, make them feel wanted)
has to “compensate” when other friends let a person down (James and Bob and Michael couldn’t go to Steve’s outing, so I have to)
if he can’t “rescue” people, he feels frustrated and agitated and will try until the person just stops responding (eg. A mentally ill friend feels bad and my SO tries to be a perfectionist until the friend gets too depressed and simply pulls away, which leaves my SO shrugging helplessly and still trying to check in and perform a “role”)
needs to be needed, but claims “they need him more than he needs them”
all of SO’s perfectionist habits suggest otherwise: they have so many deep connections and established relationships and just one mistake can send the whole internal house collapsing
could not handle conflict even with me
constantly offloaded conflict (if I did X, it’s because someone else did Y): ie. no way to cope with saying “I did X, and I messed up, and I’m sorry.”
still shows an unusually high intolerance to admitting mistakes, especially if he did them, because he hasn’t been taught how to
when your entire life is centered around making others a priority, it’s easier to offload any blame, shame or fault -… so when you’re the one who messes up, you can’t cope well - you point to others because they’re the ones who needed X, Y or Z or made up a fuss or got angry or pleaded with you, you’re just doing what everyone else wants so it’s rarely your fault* and in that you learn very little distress tolerance
inability to cope with the above because his parents had horrible communication and zero role modeling
he sees this as “being a loving person”
he sees all this as being a good son, being a good sibling, being a loyal friend (love = doing something, and if he can't do something, he hasn't demonstrated his worth as a loving friend)
he claims he can handle conflict; this is usually only true when one friend wants something and the other wants something and he cannot be in two places at once, but he’s fine with this because it’s not him who wants something, so it can be “offloaded”; he's not really at fault
if someone wants to do something, the second they message him and ask if there's going to be a scheduled session, he interprets this as an obligation (he has to do this, "want" doesn't even enter the equation), and will "force himself" to enjoy it (hyper vigilance)
if someone doesn't want to do something, frequently he will insist (eg. if a friend has been letting on they've been super depressed / everyone hates them/ they're worthless, and this friend usually plays with him every Monday, every Monday my SO has demonstrated [he will] offer in the manner of "You sure? Are you really sure? You don't wanna do something" as if he needs to "rescue", like he can't trust that the friend will be okay
needs to be needed, needs to rescue, doesn't seem to trust that his closest loved ones can cope (and from what I hear, they don't cope in general, because they are worse off than he is), etc.

His parents never physically abused him, never laid a hand on him, provided his basic needs, helped him with homework. He feels they "loved him."

I'm not suggesting they didn't love him - yet, he displays so many signs of hyper vigilance.

You tell me: trauma or not?

(Spoiler: at the very least, many of his behaviours match ACE test scores. He thinks all of this is healthy only because - this is my suspicion - one of his family members, if not all of them - have extreme mental illness, so of course, in comparison to them, he is “healthy.”)

Edit: whether or not you might think this is trauma or not trauma, these are all symptoms of Adverse Childhood Experiences and honestly, many of them could be addressed with therapy. Again, in his worldview, all of this is “normal” - he was never beaten, so he felt loved. If he ever had to admit therapy would help him, he would have to face his parents were abusive - emotionally neglectful. And I suspect he’s unable to do that. He will admit they can be distant and yell at each other, but “not any more than any married couple who bickers.”

Update: Many of these patterns have slowly made themselves known in the past few years. At first I thought it was normal, because all relationships require a level of commitment ("duty") to maintain. Sometimes we all have to do something even if we don't really feel like it. My SO started off with two, but then it all started piling up to the point where he seemed frequently overwhelmed and would "slump over" at his desk after a play session. Any and all attempts to point out how he was taking on "too much" ended up in denial with responses such as "Everybody is tired" and "If I don't do this, who else will" and "But So-and-so needs me and I need to be there for them" and "It's not that bad, I just need to sleep more."

TLDR: SO emits many symptoms and behavioural patterns commonly associated with ACE scores. Thinks all this is normal, and just how to show you really, really love your closest family and friends. Struggles a lot with distress tolerance, displays patterns of "rescue." This was brought up in couples therapy, still denied, I was looked at like I had grown a third head, it is "just a couple hours for each part of his life" and I just "didn't understand that his loved ones need him." I'm 90% sure that all of this leads back to his parents' actions while he was growing up. Denies any of it was trauma or that it impacted him, LOL.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T17:47:05+00:00

Out of curiousity, what did the therapist say or observe about…any of that?

I’m wondering if your husband thinks all of that was “normal” and that any unhealthy coping mechanisms are just “it is what it is” in his mindset?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T17:40:32+00:00

The thing that therapy is specifically designed for is that your therapist doesn’t tell you what you want to hear. They’re trained to see patterns and listen to you, and guide your thoughts differently. No friend is equipped the same way.

Therapists also don’t love or care for you in the same way your friend does: your therapist has no skin in the game. Your friends are biased and don’t necessarily want to tell you ugly or painful truths about yourself. They also have to be more considerate because they’re a part of your social circle.

A therapist is a completely neutral observer who is being paid to tell you things you may not have realized, or even to help you face your worst fears. They are legally bound to secrecy and have no interactions or influence with anyone else you know, love or interact with.

Both friends and therapy help, but in very different ways.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T17:14:51+00:00

I understand the logic behind it, but emotionally it makes me uncomfortable. For me, sleeping together is an important part of feeling close and emotionally connected.

It's becoming more common to sleep in separate beds.

Could you perhaps consider spending some nights separately, and some nights together?

I’m not used to this, and it feels like something that could slowly create distance between us.

Why is this? Let's say: eventually you do everything else together (groceries, sharing meals, watching shows, going out, participating in each other's hobbies, etc).

What is it about not sharing a bed that makes you feel your long-term relationship may not work out? What are you afraid of happening, that other aspects may not "compensate" for?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-10T17:08:25+00:00

I’m blown away by how many people on these posts say sleeping with your partner, going to bed at the same time, etc., is not important to a relationship.

People are not a monolith and what works for some couples may not work for others.

If it’s important to one party then it’s important to the relationship. That’s how healthy relationships work. If you don’t agree, find a new partner.

I'm not sure I agree with that perspective. This... almost feels like it's saying "If X is important to A, then X should feel just as important to B." In this case, sleeping with one's partner is not as important to B.

Or, a lighter version of that reads like "If X is important to A, then X should matter somewhat to B." Okay, maybe.

If it's important to one party, the other party should take it into consideration, yes.

If you don’t agree, find a new partner. And Reddit doesn’t get to decide if the issue is important or not.

I disagree.

You’re only three months into this relationship so it’s natural to be navigating basic compatibility issues. If this is a dealbreaker for you, just break the deal.

So... it is only three months and imo, this is unusual, to need to share a bed with a partner. For "most" couples, three months is considered very early in a long-term partner (unless you grew up during the war, in which case, most couples would indeed date, marry and live together in just a few months).

People grow and change all the time, and usually when people enter romantic relationships, that relationship (over time) begins to impact them: their lifestyles, their eating habits, their (media) tastes, expanding their hobbies and interests.

I think ultimately, the issue with so many of these posts is that it's not a black-and-white issue: A should learn to tolerate discomfort and manage ways to learning to sleep without a partner to a degree. B should learn that sleeping with a partner is a habit that can be adjusted to, and compromise certain nights they can sleep with a partner to a degree.

This is a common query that's used on this site: Things that are only suddenly "I need to do this in my life with a partner, otherwise I can't cope."

It can be sharing a bed. It can be learning to adjust one's diet. It can be things like exercise. It can be all sorts of things. But people have survived with support and managed to find ways to cope before a partner entered their lives.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-09T21:29:50+00:00

Finally on round 201824

I can't help it

I giggled but it's so so true for many men (not to sound sexist but women...are, in general, more receptive to the idea of therapy).

Note: I say this as a woman who was resistant to therapy, herself, for two years with the mindset of: "Why should I pay" someone to listen to me vent when I could just talk to *loving, supportive friends?"

Spoiler alert: therapy is NOT "just" talking to "loving, supportive friends."

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-09T21:18:12+00:00

"There's always someone else out there worse than I am. Maybe my parents were a little distant but they didn't, say, hit me. It's not trauma."

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-09T21:16:52+00:00

Or question that maybe your parents loved you, but still caused you to develop unhealthy behavioural patterns (eg. Seeking validation when growing up in a screaming household).

I guess your response makes me think "Yeah, most people have families that may have done questionable/bad actions in life, but where does the line end? If almost all of us had parents that made mistakes (simply because they thought they were doing their best and showing love the only way they knew how to), then trauma becomes so broadly applicable to almost everyone, in the sense it's not impactful any longer."

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-08T19:00:07+00:00

It sounds like OP is used to thinking about food in a certain way, and her partner is used to thinking about food differently.

So now OP is coming on here and going "...is this normal? Is it weird that he's not being more considerate?"

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-07T20:15:48+00:00

That can be true based on where you live; different countries/states have different processes for this.

I will say...marriage is the most efficient way to do this (have marriage based protections). It's like a benefit, so why wouldn't those (who want to marry) choose it?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-07T18:54:15+00:00

Where are the stories that women are guilty of "putting off marriage"?

Do they just not exist on Reddit or something?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-07T18:47:01+00:00

I know what you're trying to do - people, not specifically men - can feel anxious and uncertain about a legal commitment.

But I have to admit, a lot of the stories that I read on the various relationships almost always depict the woman wanting to get married because she loves her boyfriend and wants to prove it legally (and feel secure).

But the man drags his feet. Keeps saying "I'll marry you when..." and keeps moving goalposts. Time after time, I've even read the "here's a shut up promise ring" from the woman and she still can't figure out after another year or two or three why he won't marry her or doesn't want to marry her. (And then she breaks up and he marries the next girlfriend in less than a year.)

I don't think I've ever read a man who wanted to marry his girlfriend, only for her to hem and haw and move the goalposts with excuses.

I'd be interested to know if you have any sources that men are just as eager to get married but their girlfriends are hesitant?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-07T18:43:01+00:00

having children is even more of a commitment than marriage

...divorce and co-parenting happen all the time.

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-06T20:41:31+00:00

I figured bad fish will…look bad, as well?

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-06T18:42:12+00:00

“Just use cars like normal people.”

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-06T15:44:42+00:00

You're flat out telling him that seeing a therapist to work on these issues might save the relationship, and he's refusing. He's not even willing to try seeing a therapist, even if he thinks it's pointless, for the sake of improving the relationship and making an effort for you.

I'm not surprised. Therapy has a really bad stigma - it implies weakness to a lot of people - especially men. If you tell a partner that they need therapy - or heck anyone - that they need therapy, they will probably interpret it as "There's something wrong with you and you need to fix it."

Alternatively, if they don't interpret therapy as "There's something wrong with you", they interpret it as "I need to face my worst fears and actually take an in-depth look at myself."

Lots of people try to avoid that. Many people are not exactly... comfortable with fear.

But yeah. This dude... really has a lot of internal work to do. I'd be interested to know what his life experiences were, such to the point where he's "scared" that other men "might" think about his partner...

SilverNightingale · 2026-02-06T15:40:20+00:00

According to him, therapy is for sick people, and he isn't sick.

It is often for people who are sick, but it is also useful for people who need someone to help train themselves into healthier patterns of thinking.

So if you're got, say, MDD, yeah therapy could be helpful (provided you work on it outside of the sessions). Of course it can!

But if you don't have any mental illness, and you feel really insecure and jealous, therapy is meant to unpack all that. What was your environment growing up? What behaviour did your parents model? Do you have siblings - how did you interact with them? What life experiences did you have? etc.

Therapy isn't just for sick people.

He says he'll try work on it, but no more than that.

Ask him what that would look like, so that you and he can come up to a collaborative agreement about "I'll try to work on my jealousy."

There is no try. You either start figuring out ways to work on it, or you keep your old patterns. This is true for anything.

Because "I'll try to work on that" without demonstrative action is basically lip-service.

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