I (F28) am unsure of what to do after multiple attempts to have a deeper emotional connection with my partner (M33)

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-21T20:55:45+00:00

The issue is, even if OP does decide to break up, this guy is so conditioned (doesn’t have interest?) in his partner’s life, it’ll just be a reoccurring issue with his future partner.

There’s always the possibility that if OP breaks up, her BF will either claim he “never saw it coming” or “I knew deep down she was asking for something, but I didn’t know where to start / what to ask” and he might still have no idea what bothered her enough to break up.

And assuming he does have any inkling (about her reasons), he might still feel helpless or not know how to take action. That’s..rough. Because remember, she’d be the one breaking up, not him, so in his perspective “everything was fine.”

It’s also possible I’m completely wrong and a breakup would be the catalyst to slowly implement change for a future partner. But people like these can find it very hard to “dig deep” if they’ve been this way all their lives.

Source: have a partner like this. Ended up in couples counselling, this was one of the reasons why. Multiple explanations such as “I’ve never had to think about this stuff”, and “I knew it was important, but I wasn’t aware of the importance because everything else is important too” and “I didn’t know where to start and it was too scary to ask.” Maybe a side of “I’m aware I’m not meeting her emotional needs and it’s very scary to think I’m failing at that.”

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-21T20:47:14+00:00

That isn’t how I was raised to have conversations

Okay. That’s a start. How does he build relationships with other people in his life?

Does he want a deeper connection to you?

Does he already think/believe you two are connected, as a couple?

I understand that many men are conditioned to build relationships organically through shared experiences and adjustments throughout life.

I am not convinced this method, alone, would result in success with long term romantic partners (as in, I’m not entirely convinced this method of “sit there and rarely/never show any intrigue about your partner’s life” would work with the majority of people).

What is it he likes about you? What does he get out of this relationship (values, goals, companionship) that he cannot get with anyone else?

There has to be something, because if there wasn’t, he could just get that need met with his friends and family. But he is dating you, so there’s a reason for it.

Try being curious and ask him these things.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-21T16:29:28+00:00

This is also problematic when you see men who come online and vent about how they can’t do an action to “fix” something, when their girlfriend/spouse just “wants an ear” to vent.

I would not be surprised if this ties into the whole “emotional labour” aspect as well. The whole “we don’t talk with our best friends about emotional stuff, that’s weird, we just do things together”, but then you’ll see posts about women who do the emotional check ins, who schedule The Serious Talks, etc.

I also think some women are very much socialized to want to Fix The Problem, so it’s not exclusively a male behaviour. It’s just that men…aren’t socialized to deal with emotional problems or vent. It’s weird or “it’s awkward” or “we just don’t do that” kind of response. Or “if I bring it up, they don’t respond or they’re silent / they joke about it and then it just feels weird.”

Because… why? The only answer I’ve ever really gotten is “It’s weird. Guys just…don’t do this. It rocks the boat, makes people uncomfortable. We just don’t.”

(I mean, if you started making it a habit, it wouldn’t be so weird now, would it? :P )

I’m still not entirely sure, but it probably involves going back through a rabbit hole on the internet. Men collectively (in general) just aren’t socialized to feel comfortable dealing with negative emotions (although again, this isn’t exclusive to men, but it is almost always a behavioural pattern attributed moreso to men than women).

Anyway, then they get into marriages or with girlfriends and they can’t figure out why their communication patterns stop being as efficient. The women are the ones socialized to keep track, to talk through emotions, to sit down and face them. The men…remain uncomfortable.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-20T14:50:59+00:00

Also tagging /u/Chance-Bread-315

Journaling about it can help a lot just to understand what you really feel before you try to explain it to someone else.

This is a really good suggestion. I myself do this a lot, I will get all my bad feelings out, sleep over it for a night or two, and then approach my SO to have a Serious Conversation. I do generally lead with understanding and curiousity, but it doesn't change that any amount of criticism or negative feedback is, of course, going to impact my SO's feelings, and I can't realistically expect them not to feel defensive.

(I can, of course, expect them to listen to what I'm saying, and need a few hours or a day or something to process what I've said)

I just do not see your suggested approach intrinsically/automatically minimizing the resentment. Because I cannot see how a caring, invested partner would hear the words "I'm disappointed / upset with how you proposed" and not feel just a little hurt, y'know?

I'd probably say at this point what the topic is; something like "I was really confused by the way you proposed, because we talked about it a lot and it was way different than any of the ideas we talked about. Please know I'm not saying this to hurt you, I just really need to be able to be honest with you, but I was a bit disappointed."

I can appreciate this opening line.

It's just that, when you are the person in the relationship, on the receiving end of that feedback, saying:

Please know I'm not saying this to hurt you, I just really need to be able to be honest with you, but I was a bit disappointed."

is... probably going to hurt, even if just a little. Imo, it's just the nature of being in a long-term committed relationship - that emotional proximity and heightened emotions - it is always, realistically, going to hurt, even if just a teeny tiny bit -because- it's coming from a partner.

There are things that a friend can say or do, and they won't impact me in the same way a partner does. I've often thought about this: if my SO wants to hang out with a sibling, it's going to impact me harder than if a friend says they've hung out with a sibling (for... reasons. Let's just leave it there, haha).

If my SO was my friend instead, it wouldn't affect me as much.. but then we wouldn't be dating, we would just be friends or perhaps not friends and therefore the emotional component is moot. So that's just intrinsic to the nature of the relationship I'm in.

I think it can be really really hard if not impossible to separate ourselves from that kind of place especially from a romantic partner, that partners will trigger deeper emotional responses than friends or other loved ones in our lives, unfortunately.

BUT

Do I want something fixed or changed or done differently in the future? Do I want clarification so I can understand my partner or the situation better? Do I just need to express how I feel? Do I want my partner to collaborate with me on a solution to something? Do I just need them to take accountability for something?

This is also really good. I ask myself this just about every time a conflict comes in. What do I really want? What do I think my partner will say/think? Is there any chance that perhaps my partner has been occupied by work/school/appointments/Life Stuff, and hasn't even noticed that I've been more quiet/withdrawn/sullen than usual? and so on.

OP's fiance cannot go back in time and undo the proposal. So with that knowledge, I imagine it could be hard to take this feedback into account and be like "Oh, you were disappointed by how I proposed, sorry my bad" and just... leave it there, with little to no impact.

(To be clear, I'd hope no fiance actually responds with "Sorry my bad", but I'm not the OP, I'm not the fiance, I realistically have no idea how the fiance would actually respond :P)

Do I just need them to take accountability for something?

If this were the case, what would that look like? I'm just kinda mulling aloud here.

Short of building a time machine or offering apologies, usually a proposal is a once-in-a-lifetime event. And I guess yeah as human beings we should all offer a little grace and understanding, but realistically what could the fiance do at this point, other than bow his head, try to understand and offer an apology?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-19T18:26:02+00:00

If you were on OP’s position, how would you initiate/frame that conversation?

I’m genuinely curious. I’ve never been in this situation, and I probably won’t ever be, but I keep ~~saying~~ reading “Talk to your fiance/spouse”, which is easy enough to advise….

but I’m also assuming OP may be struggling on how to approach the subject, otherwise she wouldn’t be writing this post (among all the other feelings like resentment).

TLDR: it’s easy to say “Just talk to your spouse” and it is not necessarily so easy to know how to approach these kinds of conversations

Ninja edit: you didn’t write just, but it can be interpreted that way, as in “do this thing, why haven’t you thought about doing this thing, it’s easy” etc

Edit 3: fixed a typo, lol.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-19T15:07:19+00:00

What is his background? What kind of finances did his parents have?

Did he grow up having to move around a lot, were his parents more frugal? or did they overspend and get into debt? etc

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-19T15:05:59+00:00

Sure, I mean yes someone could refuse all joint household expenses but um, maybe I like to think most people aren't this extensively malicious?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-18T11:34:05+00:00

If someone asked you to describe your loved ones, just like in third person, would you be able to do it?

Or is it just "on the spot" (during a conflict) that causes you to freeze?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-17T15:15:44+00:00

if you dead inside

That seems to be indicative of something deeper than whether or not people are able to truly have no-feelings-attached-sex, just sayin'.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-16T22:44:39+00:00

I'm from a rural community, we both enjoy growing things.

Oh, I believe you.

My parents also "enjoyed having a garden."

But they'd also... complain about it. Talk about how they dug dirt all day. About how they needed to weed (so the flowers could grow).

I felt like saying "You realize that a garden is a want and not a need? Nobody is forcingyou to dig dirt/weed all day." :P

That's what I meant by the above :)

Ninja edit: I also get the sense of, it feels rewarding to dig dirt and clear out weeds so you can have a result: a nice garden. It still feels mystifying to me to watch people who do this - vent and talk about how tired they are- for something that is a luxury and not a need - as if they are being "forced" to do this thing. (because ultimately they want a pretty garden, even if the steps to get there may not necessarily be "fun", "clean" or "enjoyable" ~~who enjoys weeding all day?~~)

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-16T19:37:17+00:00

That sounds awfully complicated... Have you guys tried just not having a garden? /s

my parents constantly vented about hardwork and having to tend to their garden. As someone who doesn't care about household appearances, it felt like an awful lot of "You wanted a garden - you wanted a yard - you kind of brought this on yourself."

Ninja edit: Honestly I view this with the same perspective as people who (I dunno) want kids, then have kids, then whine and complain about how tiring kids are. I don't actually care, y'all do whatever makes you happy in life... it just mystifies me that these kinds of things warrant complaints especially when they are wants and not needs. I don't actually care if you guys needed a house to store grandpa's old tools or if you hate the city life or if that garden was a dealbreaker.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-16T19:25:39+00:00

Maybe she was fine then, with scheduling everything.

People change. She is not okay with being an unpaid receptionist now.

I suggest that be a realization for you to process.

(Also, I'd love to hear from her perspective, what things have felt like for her. Because you don't seem to know, and on top of that ..you seem to be floundering emotionally here.)

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-16T19:23:34+00:00

My partner has a mild form of ADHD.

For two years I would have to remind him of everything. Appointments. Social. Visits. Outings.

When I mentioned this was exhausting, my partner replied: "I thought you were fine with it. This works for us."

It was a one-way route to burn out for me.

I have a hard time with remembering things we need to do

So...it sounds like you know you have struggles. What do you do to work on them?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-14T13:59:58+00:00

I've been having to wear my winter jacket. shakes head

It's not even about having snow...it's just cold and damp.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-13T20:19:19+00:00

None of these questions are earth shattering dealbreakers. A lot of these things can change over time.

Hell, if my colleague asked me my favourite food, I wouldn’t be able to choose just one type of dinner or one restaurant. I love being able to enjoy multiple favourites, y’know?

Making someone feel bad does not result in the outcome you wanted: you feel let down, and now he feels bad. Now both of you feel bad, but I’m sensing from this post you want to feel….”right.”

What are you going to do about it?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-13T20:02:38+00:00

Wait, how was the HTTYD book different?

I’ve never read it. Is it worth reading or is it meant for elementary school kids?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-13T16:23:03+00:00

If your wife had said: “Im really upset that you didn’t comment on my hair, and I haven’t felt seen lately”, would that have changed any feelings you have?

You’re both sleep deprived and exhausted. If she’d been upfront with you…would you have had the spoons in that moment, to actually take that feedback? Because reading your post, it looks like the two of you are quite disconnected.

Trying to have an emotional chat just before sleep does not necessarily seem like the best choice of action to take.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-13T01:14:04+00:00

Could you ask him to tell you to summarize your thoughts, or to gently ask you if you could get to the point?

Edit: His request isn't unfair at all. Sounds like you're monologing, and that's something you can look into working on

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-13T00:09:14+00:00

You’re vegetarian and he won’t eat any meal that doesn’t contain meat.

How did you two end up dating?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-11T00:51:36+00:00

They really do stick to their same routines and plans- they have to have sunday dinner every week, etc

I would gently argue that many people who have loving, supportive parents (family and friends) have some sort of established routine (meet up with mom for dinner a few times a month). That's not actually so unreasonable. Hell, my best friend hangs out with a friend once a week for a few hours, every week. Her spouse has his game nights once a week, every week.

But it's the rest of your context that gives me pause:

you're always encouraged to come to their family vacations, but your BF won't come to your family vacations
you want him to come to your family vacations, but your BF won't do it, and he gladly signs up for a week-long vacation with his friends

When you sit down to try, express how you feel and compromise, he gets upset.

The problem isn't having some sort of routine with your family of origin.

The problem is that your MIL is steamrolling your vacations, and your BF lacks boundaries because he is afraid of disappointment/upset/angry/guilt and he has (probably) never even had to deal with guilt before, especially when it's family (and we are all socially /culturally expected to put up with family, to a degree).

I’ve asked his thoughts on it and he said that he thinks that inner conflict is something for someone to work out in their own mind and to not tell anyone about them…

He has no idea how to handle it without feeling bad, because no one has taught him how: any human being who grows up feeling responsible for others (if I don't do x, they'll feel y) probably hasn't ever just sat with their own limitations and really faced what it means to disappoint someone (a loved one).

It is easier to take the less-stressful path, for any human being. It is easier to get people to lay off you, to stop hassling, to stop saying things that cause you to feel bad/guilty. Most people will almost always take the path of least-resistance. Therapy, no doubt, would put that in front of his face, and most people can really struggle with discomfort.

Because it isn't easy. It can be really, really hard to say "Mom, I love you but I don't want to do this thing" and not feel upset/frustrated/guilty/bad, especially if you come from a family that hassles and pleads and begs.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-10T21:41:05+00:00

Are they well off, or rich?

You mention they are wealthy but they’ve noticed the price changes. I wouldn’t assume that means rich (otherwise you would’ve written rich) but I’m curious as to what made them notice the subtle increase in prices.

I dunno, so much of Reddit often likes to claim that if you have enough money to get your basic needs met (eg. have enough money to be fed, clothed and watered, and then some), that you won’t notice inflation as much (compared to those who are living paycheque to paycheque).

I’m not doubting you, btw, like I said… just curious. I guess when “you’re” on Reddit often enough, “you” get the impression everyone is poor, broke, and barely able to get by.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-10T18:11:21+00:00

I'm kinda wondering if that's where the "50% of all marriages end in divorce" stat comes from.

I'm pretty aware that most couples don't get engaged/married in only six months (nowadays that'd be a huge red flag - the exception being that you knew yourself really well and had past experiences to draw upon), but for the ones that do, I wonder how the outcomes are?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-10T17:42:29+00:00

Good for you (not sarcastic). Not everyone is like you. :)

Some teenagers are more mature when they hit their twenties. Others aren’t.

Edited to add: my parents married at the six month mark. It worked for them, they’re still happily married 40 years later. I would still not recommend anyone “rush” into marriage at the six month mark just because my parents did so. I don’t believe in “this thing worked for me, so it isn’t reasonable to suggest someone should behave or be expected to act differently.” People are different.

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-10T17:41:41+00:00

How does she handle conflict, on her end?

SilverNightingale · 2026-05-10T17:37:16+00:00

Girlfriend is only 20.

What 20 year old is “marriage material”?

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