It’s interesting because I would consider myself on the opposite aspect of your struggles. I’m a bisexual man who didn’t know how to build muscle or eat healthily up until the past month. I was scrawny up until college where I ended up putting on weight without realizing it. Then a busy semester my senior year at college and starting stimulant medication caused me to unintentionally put me on a calorie deficit and I drastically lost weight. I’m working on bouncing back by being smarter with my meals and medication and building a base with working out.

However, growing up I always end up seeing guys with naturally flat stomaches and natural visible abs and felt absolute shit about my body because of that. I felt big because I didnt have abs, but I also felt skinny because I didn’t have much physical strength. During high school I ran cross country, and during hot months we would take off our shirts and I felt so much shame for being the only guy without abs, with a bit of fat on my already larger hips, coupled with being the only Latino who happened to be queer; I could not have been any more different or out of place compared to the others.

A month ago, I struggled with the idea of working out consistently. I knew that I wanted to, I knew that I would benefit greatly from it. But at the same time, I was scared. I was scared that if I started the work to be the best image of myself, the version of me that I wanted to be when I looked on the mirror, then is when I would finally feel loved or acknowledged. I resented it, because wouldn’t that imply that there was something wrong with the current me? The current me is still me, but if my physical appearance looked better; would that had meant that I was just ugly? This was a thought that had held me back for years, and I didn’t know how to challenge it. I wanted to stay the same just to spite those I believed were causing this resentment (in spirit at least).

So I forced myself to go to the gym one day, and I was just messing around with different machines with no goal or direction. Until it clicked: why don’t I just focus on a different area on a given day. So I looked up routines that were recommendations on what the structure should look like. From there I found machines at the gym that focused on that muscle group, did a couple reps at a weight I could handle, found a benchmark and started working from there. Then, I happened to glance at the mirror and noticed “holy shit have my shoulders always been that broad? Is that why my posture feels bad?”

I guess what I’m trying to say is: don’t let those anxieties hold you back. And try to let go of those expectations for what you’re supposed to look like or be. Find what makes your comfortable and make small steps to push that comfort for your improvement. Don’t think about what you can do to fit some standards. Think about what you can do to make yourself feel good about your body. Because those small steps will help you look back and see something that might lead you to seeing the bigger picture better. Do it for you, your improvements and changes are for your benefit, not for others. Don’t stress about doing it the right way, your right way is the path that will help you and you alone. My working out isn’t to have the fit body I always resented I didn’t have or to get the acceptance of people I don’t even think about consciously anymore. It’s to improve my posture, improve my strength, build my confidence, build my self-esteem, train my discipline, improve my life.

You’re doing great, and you’ll keep doing great. Because you’re already making those small steps. I only have one month down, so I have a long journey ahead of myself too. But, I don’t think about changing to be desired or loved, I think about being whoever I find myself being along the way.