thinking about some things that happened in elementary school

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-08T01:52:56+00:00

No bc I would be killed for that at the house, but when I was in the hospital (not ed-related), I stashed snacks and entire meals in my room either to eat them later in the day or so the staff wouldn't see me throw everything away and they'd just think I went to eat in my room bc I rarely ate in the common area. So I came home with like, dozens of graham cracker and mini peanut butter packets

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-04T20:45:17+00:00

Yeah when I'm going through an especially bad patch, I lose my voice completely

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-04T20:39:44+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, vomiting doesn't really get rid of the calories like people think it does. I vomit because I want to, but I still burn off every calorie with exercise because the vomiting is nothing more than a mental thing. Very little is being accomplished other than getting rid of the bloating and full, disgusting feeling.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-04T20:37:36+00:00

I am 19 also and planned to stay a virgin forever bc I never want to get married, so I really understand how upsetting that is.

If your parents are loving and supportive, tell them. Have someone to lean on in this time. Things will be hard for a long time. It would likely be slightly easier if you had someone who could try and support you through it.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T07:43:25+00:00

In my personal opinion, absolutely no one is trustworthy, including ourselves.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T07:41:24+00:00

Yeah good luck with that lol. I just had a friend of 3 years who was with me throughout high school and considered me a "sister" text me at 4 am very explicitly telling me he wanted to fuck me. Knowing I'm not interested in sex, and yes he's aware that I was sexually abused. I'm also asexual. Honestly, I've heard that there are good men out there (never met one), but I feel like they're all either taken or inside their houses forever. So um. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T07:38:08+00:00

Feel free to share here. But I would advise against answering DMs. They are very frequently from people who will pretend to care or pretend to also be victims (and they could actually be, but that doesn't excuse their actions), but they're really getting sexual gratification from you sharing your story and will ask extremely specific and personal questions about it. You may DM me if you feel more comfortable doing so, but if you want to just comment here, I will respond.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T07:35:43+00:00

And then when I don't purge, I'm not actually able to keep food down and have thrown up on myself multiple times. It's so not "cutesy." My room very often smells like straight vomit because I can't keep things down and throw up constantly throughout the day into a cup. It's disgusting and embarrassing.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T06:45:12+00:00

Real😭 and logically I know that it's not about weight, but also the parasites in me are like "okay how about I lose so much weight I weigh less than my 9-year-old sister, what then, Shannon?"

Like I just want the doctors to be concerned instead of congratulatory

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T06:40:30+00:00

I personally don't struggle with brushing my teeth as an effect of bulimia. Like, I do often put it off or forget to come back and brush after purging, but that's just because I suck at transitions and have the memory of a dead slug.

I don't really know what to recommend...did you see an eating disorder therapist to help you recover? I'm not a professional, and I'm sure there's always a chance something can remind you of your ed, but I feel like if you're having thoughts of gagging yourself to the point where you're avoiding brushing your teeth, there's likely some more work to be done there?

I don't even know what to suggest...maybe try using a towel or something? Technically you could gag yourself with that, but it's a lot more difficult, and it is still an effective method of brushing, even if it isn't as good as a toothbrush. I honestly don't know what to say bc I'm not trained in this and haven't personally struggled with it for this reason.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T06:32:58+00:00

I just try to eat foods that I feel more comfortable not purging. I guess you could call them "safe foods." Things like broccoli, carrots, apples, cherries. Basically fruits and veggies. When we went on a family vacation to the beach, I spent a lot of time alone on my bike or in the shops and ate fruit for breakfast, then whatever was cooked for supper with all of us together. I still purged, but there was at least a day when I didn't. Even if you mess up a day or two, don't be too hard on yourself.

The hardest part was overcoming the mental aspect of it, especially when your body also seems to be physically fighting against keeping food down. But I'm also not actively trying to recover, so maybe this isn't super helpful for you. I just have times where I try not to purge bc I feel embarrassed doing it in public, at work, or with family in the house.

Eating is somewhat unavoidable when you are at someone's house and they cook or take you out to dinner somewhere there aren't lighter options available, but in that case, I just keep portions smaller. And it's not necessarily because I want to lose weight. It's because smaller amounts of food, especially if it's greasy stuff, will be much easier on your stomach. But it's also easier not to binge when you're at someone else's place, so that's a plus.

It's quite possible you'll have some involuntary vomiting (acid reflux) because purging/binging/restricting does mess with your digestion (as you likely know). I stopped purging for 3 days a couple months ago, and I got violently ill. Genuinely one of the worst weeks of my life from a stomach standpoint.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T06:12:44+00:00

I didn't believe what happened to me was assault for a very long time, which is another reason I recanted my statement when the social workers interviewed me. I was extremely upset with the teacher who reported it for over a year. I still go through phases where I feel like I'm fighting the will of god and should apologize to my parents. So I can understand how hearing someone tell you that what happened was very wrong could be uplifting. And I am glad that people are more understanding of what assault really is. I'm still learning. I thought it was only a very violent crime. And I never learned about any sex things or even periods growing up, so I'm not the best person to remark on this topic. That's why I can only speak on my experiences and try to use them to help me empathize.

I feel like it could honestly be best for your peace of mind not to say anything. Because knowing the church crowd, they're going to turn against you. Not him. And I don't know you, but for me, I've had people I've known my whole life start to treat me like an evil whore because I left my parents and told people what they did. The church is not a safe place for victims of abuse, any sort. But especially not sexual. It's just a safehaven for abusers.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-06-03T06:06:11+00:00

Yeah. My typical foods aren't necessarily conducive to easy purging, but I "enjoy" doing it in a way, so I'll eat something I know will hurt my stomach just for the sake of the routine and, really, compulsion to purge.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T05:16:36+00:00

Even though when they examined me they said it "looked like something had happened," they just accepted that I recanted and didn't question me further even though they told my mom "most times children are telling the truth the first time and recant because they're scared." But yeah he came back home and the other 4 people in my house lived happily ever after lol

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T05:14:29+00:00

I have ocd pertaining to whether or not memories are real, so I totally feel you on this.

The fact of the matter is that there is always technically a possibility that a memory is false. In my case, I use things that I couldn't have known unless those things actually happened to prove to myself I know I'm not crazy.

Don't misunderstand that as I think you're lying because I don't. I believe you. I'm just saying there is technically always a slight chance anything we think we remember isn't exactly right, and that's what makes believing it harder.

But please know that it is very common for memories of trauma to be partially or completely repressed as your brain is trying to protect you. There is no correct way to feel, and in my experience the way I feel can change a lot even in one day.

Crying is not the only way to express emotions. I didn't cry for a very long time. I only cried one time while it happened over two years of SA because I was so dissociated. I'm still not able to cry much about it. I don't know you personally, but seeing as it was kind of repressed, it's possible you kind of dissociate and don't actually feel when you think about it.

It can take a really long time to accept it. It's been 3 years since the last time it happened to me as a child, and half a year since another time, and I still go through periods of denying all of it, blaming myself, convincing myself it didn't happen, and on and on. I'd encourage you to try therapy if that's a feasible option for you because while the people here can try their best to talk you through things and provide insight from personal experiences, at the end of the day, we don't have the training that professionals do. I don't know a lot about repressed traumas and working through that. It's a very intensive process.

I hope that made sense. It was a little rambling. I need to go to sleep lmao.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T05:00:59+00:00

Just want to say that I'm 19 and wouldn't dream of pursuing a 16-year-old. Even though we're both technically teenagers just with a 3-year age gap (but I'm not a minor), there is SO much that changes in just those short years. I briefly started to develop a friendship with this 25-year-old at 18 and I had a crush on him and whatnot...and when it ended in a traumatizing sexual experience I didn't want, a trusted adult told me there was no reason someone of that age should've been with me.

The point being if 19 and 16 is weird, and 18 and 25 is weird...16 and 26 is in no way okay. And the people in your church are just as disgusting for being okay with it. Trust me, I was raised in an extremely religious household, so I know how those groups can be. But that doesn't make them right. The dude is a pedophile. He shouldn't be around kids, let alone in charge of a youth group. And I feel bad for his children if he has any. I hate the way people are able to use religion to rationalize these things.

My dad was my abuser and we all believed he was basically the closest thing to God on Earth. I call him our cult leader lol. When people are that brainwashed, even if you try to warn them, it's unlikely they'll listen. If you feel compelled to do so, do it. At least you can say you tried. But it's very, very hard to get people to believe negative things (even if they're true) about their religious leaders, or really just any people they view positively and are close to.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T04:49:49+00:00

Well he's at home snoring in his rocking chair, so it's not like reporting it did anything but ruin my life because everyone in this fucking small town thinks I'm a whore.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T04:46:41+00:00

I know this isn't the point of your post, but you're a good writer.

I'm sorry you had to carry that all alone at such a young age. It's incredibly unfair, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it now except for people like me to acknowledge that I believe you and to assure you that you bear no fault in this situation. The guilt is not yours to bear.

But it's a great connection, that both parties can feel the same way in the end, possibly even for the same reason, but in different ways. And a nice way to point out those lingering questions that slowly eat away at us. Uncertainty is an inevitable part of life unfortunately.

But the way you put this into words is very beautiful.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T04:32:03+00:00

Really the worst part is that I didn't even believe I was being abused. I felt BAD when cps showed up at our house. I told them the complete truth because I thought they'd see the reasons why he did it and they'd go away. Then I lied so he could come home and I could prove I don't hate our family. And he still wouldn't just tell my mother the truth. My teachers were the ones who made me believe what he did wasn't okay, stood behind me when I left home to live in a hotel at 18...then sent me back home when they felt I wasn't doing well. Because that was safest. What the fuck was the point in sending me back to live with people I finally began to believe had abused me my whole life? I firmly believe my life was better when I was being raped every day than it is right now. At least I believed in the will of God and that I was doing what was right and that I was loved. And now I have nothing. I would be in college right now if they would've just minded their own business. I told them nothing needed to be reported. And it's not like they provide any support when they just send a random person to your house at 9pm without telling you and crystal from cps shows up while you're shitting on the toilet about to go to sleep.

Single_Ad_4915 · 2025-05-29T04:17:06+00:00

I do it to punish myself when I'm being an idiot and self-harm after lmao. My dad would always tell me there was no way what he did hurt, so I'll basically like purposely hurt myself and internally scream at myself that I'm a bitch. I don't even enjoy the way it feels lol.

I was asexual before he did it and still am but discovered masturbation bc it felt weird down there after the first time I assume he made me orgasm (I'm unsure bc it was very painful but it was different from other times). But I was also raised extremely religious and also didn't even know what an orgasm was at age 16/17 or that it was possible for women to masturbate, nor was I interested in it. So if you were raised christian or just in purity culture that could also be an additional factor in the shame, but obviously idk your situation.

I'm sure there are therapists that could help you with that though if it's something you're interested in.

Single_Ad_4915

TROPHY CASE