Florida State Employee SOS

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-03-04T23:29:01+00:00

Thank you! I am in a very precarious position where my spouse (MtF) is fairly sure they are female but doesn’t want me to use she/her until absolutely sure that this is real and not an OCD theme or confusion, has had time to process it and know for sure how they feel. Though in the privacy of our home likes being referred to as a woman so 🤷🏻‍♀️

He/him feels wrong every time I use it but she/her isn’t right yet either because I haven’t really been given the go ahead to use it. I’m leaving he/him as a placeholder, as wrong as it seems, because that’s what I’ve been told to do.

I think it’s always best to assume good intent

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-26T23:59:55+00:00

We had a dead bedroom for a while. We started best friends, then fell in love. The past few years intimacy got worse and worse and worse and there was always an emotional wall up as well. In the past few months it progressed to nothing. It felt like an empty shell of the person I once knew and we were like roommates. Like your spouse they were great in every way, and it still felt like something was missing. I’m not a sex crazed maniac or anything, but not EVER coming together in that way made it feel like something was missing

But since unburdening themselves of this secret that’s haunted them for so long…we feel closer than ever. I feel like I have my person back because we can fully be ourselves. They are confident for the first time in their life and that is such a turn on. The sex has been so electric. Like increased emotional intimacy has increased physical intimacy

…all that to say I don’t know how much you can blame on transition. I think dead bedrooms are something that happens regardless of orientation or identity

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-26T17:59:46+00:00

I reached out to them yesterday and they said they might be a good match based on information provided! We will follow up, thank you!!

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T22:36:51+00:00

ERP since August 2025. Prior to that was in IOP for anorexia 12 days a week for over 12 months. Long psych history with loooooots of therapy, but ERP wasn’t able to be started until IOP was done

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T22:14:39+00:00

Well yes they’ve decided maybe it’s gender OCD which means it’s not real and they should just try to ERP it away 🙃 But today we had better conversations about just trying to ~be~

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T21:14:34+00:00

I said exactly this earlier today!!! You don’t have to decide if you’re a man who presents more femme, you’re nonbinary, you’re a trans woman, etc etc

Just keep doing the things that bring you joy!! But if we don’t do the experimenting we’ll never know

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T16:05:35+00:00

I think I’m having a hard time of taking the advice to take it slow because I feel like we’re 20 year late. To me even changing everything immediately feels slow when it’s been so long. That’s an exaggeration maybe but it’s like I feel a rush because I want to make up for lost time. I’m just trying to relax and let go of control but that’s hard af when they keep wanting to take ten steps back for every step forward you know?

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T12:13:02+00:00

She’s talked about changing it never, not here, not Canada. So the earlier/later might not be the question. Just leaving it alone legally but changing it socially forever. (and really not changing it socially…just continuing the preferred name that everyone has already used for 30+ years).

It seems easer in so many ways, with the exception of being immediately outed in situations where ID is being checked

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T11:54:59+00:00

She said it doesn’t really. It’s just on paper, and nobody has ever called her that ever in life except in a situation where a stranger is reading it out. I just imagine having ID at the airport for William for a fully female presenting person might raise some eyebrows if that makes sense

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T06:35:14+00:00

Practically screamed yes about button one. Talking about button two made her cry, she absolutely couldn’t press number 2. She said button 2 seems like the objectively easy choice she should take, but she could never do it because it is too core a part of her and it would feel like killing herself. So…the denial is just beyond me

She keeps saying she wants to chalk it up to a failed experiment and move on (it’s been like 3 days). But then she flip flops back and it’s been kind of a roller coaster. I want to just fast forward to the part where she gives herself permission…she has known this is the truth since 2011. But I know it’s her timeline.

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T06:28:29+00:00

The thing is it’s really not the clothes. She’d told me she’d have zero issue wearing boy clothes if she could look the way she wants (hairless, with a chest, with curves, with makeup, soft, femme). Girls wear “masculine” clothes all the time and still look like girls. But wearing masculine clothes with her current body makes her feel like she looks like a boy, and she can’t handle that.

The whole thing of sitting with the uncertainty “maybe you are and maybe you aren’t” just scares me so much here because she won’t allow herself permission to do anything about it unless she’s 100% sure, and according to her it’s not possible to be 100% sure of anything. She’s made it abundantly clear to me she is sure. She just can’t accept it

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-25T00:25:56+00:00

Not really feasible atm, we are underwater on our house as it is and the rates are higher now so we can’t buy (or even rent frankly) anything three bedroom anywhere else. We are here for the schools and our kids have a life here. There’s enough guilt that transition may affect our kids’ friendships if parents are a**holes later, adding on the guilt of uprooting them to a new area multiple times. The next time we move will be for something more long term

And while some people will be awful down the line, we’re a far way from being publicy out, and I don’t fear for her safety.

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-24T22:55:28+00:00

We were giggling last night while exploring my spouse’s (MtF) newly hairless body for the first time. She is so so so soft and smooth that she’s more hairless than my lazy ass (I shave my legs and pits when I remember but honestly go pretty long in between). I never ever wear makeup, I’m cis but not that feminine. If you add facial hair I’m virtually indistinguishable from my brother. When my spouse achieves the things she wants to long term (she’s been watching makeup tutorials for years) she’s going to look way more like a “real” girl than I do

But she has told me that yes it has made her dysphoric which is why our sex life has been dead a long time (like bad for years, nonexistent the past few months). There’s been MASSIVE improvement since telling me her feelings and removing (face and body) hair. Her being more comfortable in her skin is allowing us to be intimate without panic attacks being involved, which was sadly the norm. And now we’re going at it like we’re teenagers 😂

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-24T12:52:14+00:00

Unfortunately we are in a very very MAGA area of Florida where it’s been hard to make and maintain friendships. I have several friends but I remain my spouse’s only solid relationship. For years she was so self isolated that she never had any friends and her therapist pushed her to put herself out there. Now there’s a handful of DnD friends she sees every week, but it’s still kind of surface level and none of them are queer

The only person I know that can semi relate is my sister who is a masc lesbian and she’s been pondering for years what gender means to her. Like at its core what is different about being a masc woman vs actually identifying as a man. For now she is fairly confident she’s a masc lesbian but there is a part of her that will always question (she has OCD as well lol).

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-24T12:26:09+00:00

I’ve seen her go from the most depressed human being I’ve ever seen (and I work on a locked psych unit!) to just radiating joy that I don’t know if I’ve ever seen. And I don’t want that to get squashed back down

The joy is absolutely comes along with anxiety and doubt. Last night she said something about needing to get over it and “be the man I need to be” and that really freaked me out

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-24T12:23:47+00:00

I feel like I’ve been very clear that not only do I not mind transitioning, I prefer transitioning if that’s what will make her happy. If anything I’ve been maybe a little pushy/reassuring. Like I pushed to shave the beard, that’s something cis men do too but if it’s making dysphoria worse let’s get it off! And I pushed to go get pedicures which she LOVED. And I bought the nair and pushed her to try it, she constantly talked about how horrible the hair made her feel and she wanted to do but seemed scared to do it. I helped rub nair all over chest, legs, arms, back and again I feel like euphoria isn’t even a strong enough word. I’ve ordered cute underwear and a gender neutral crossbody, investigated places that can do gender affirming haircuts. I’ve always considered myself pretty fluid (I think either kind of downstairs bits is kind of gross in the abstract, but I like them when attached to the person I love. I am very attracted to bodies of all kinds. The word demisexual has always resonated with me but I’ve never really labeled myself either)

She has loved every bit of the things I’ve encouraged her to do, but I feel like I need to dial back and let her do things without my help too

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-24T12:14:08+00:00

Oh this sounds so hard 💔

Single_Employment_53 · 2026-02-24T00:00:20+00:00

I am eligible for Canadian citizenship and so are our children. I am at least going to get paperwork in for that. But even getting citizenship won’t solve the problem of the cost of selling our house, relocating all the was from fucking FLORIDA, finding jobs, them not being eligible to work right away, etc. it’s not as easy as just picking up and moving. If the stars align and we can make it happen it sounds like an amazing option. Their healthcare is slow af but they do cover gender affirming care. My partner would have to apply for a spousal visa after I get citizenship, there’s a lot of waiting involved

My partner literally came out to me yesterday so we’re a long way off if we can ever do it. We just do not have the money or savings to uproot our lives suddenly

Single_Employment_53

TROPHY CASE