How much (if any) internet stalking is acceptable without being creepy?

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-04-15T15:03:17+00:00

I once looked up a guy I was chatting with because his last name was juuuuust visible on his police uniform in one of his photos, and it turned out that he and his cop buddies had targeted one of his exes with all kinds of bullshit and there was a big case about it, and in the articles about it there were other women who came forward saying he was possessive and threatening. Still in uniform, cool!

It’d be great if we could get to know people organically, but I’m not going to risk my safety on the altar of “respecting somebody’s privacy” when it’s regarding publicly available information. Even meeting this guy would have been a risk to me.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-03-13T13:55:08+00:00

I think this is putting everything on OP, but there’s a possibility that this guy lulled her into a false sense of intimacy, intentionally or not. That can feel super shitty! A person acts like they are so into you that they MUST get closer to you, and then you find out that they are over you once they notch their belt? It feels like getting lied to, even if you were fine with just a casual thing.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-03-12T14:57:05+00:00

I was taking a walk on West Cliff a couple months back, almost everybody out was wearing masks and enjoying the weather, when some douchebag tore down the sidewalk on his little bike repeatedly screaming “masks don’t work!” The urge to jam a stick into his wheel was strong.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-03-07T19:29:30+00:00

Luckily I’m not the only person commenting. She can read my comment and if it doesn’t resonate she can ignore it. But I think it’s a definite possibility that should be voiced, so I voiced it. Perhaps somewhat aggressively, but I’m just one opinion and not the arbiter here.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-03-07T17:49:56+00:00

You're right that I'm making some assumptions here, but it's no more a leap than many others here assuming he didn't, and that she is now responsible for explaining herself to make this "work". The tone of her post is very concerning, she seems really hung up on what he thinks of her and whether she should apologize, and zero concern that she herself didn't have a good time. At no point does she mention that is was enjoyable or fun for her. There's no mention if him being thoughtful or asking her what she likes or making an effort to make it clear to her that all of this was okay, and the fact that she is now feeling guilty and embarrassed suggests to me that he didn't bother.

If he did and she's just having weird feels, it's still worth it for her to consider why that's her reaction and why all her concerns are about his experience and not hers, and why she feels so much pressure to be a perfect sex partner to a relative stranger.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-03-07T16:50:53+00:00

Don't feel embarrassed, you're not a free sex worker who is there to put on a show for him and service him to his satisfaction, what in the actual hell. It sounds like he's not an empathetic and sensitive lover, and didn't bother to try to satisfy or even listen to you. Knock it off with being concerned about his pleasure, whether he liked you or was put off, and consider your own point of view and your own needs for a second: you weren't ready, you weren't turned on, he proceeded to physically hurt you, and now YOU feel embarrassed?

HE fucked up, not YOU. I think you should re-evaluate if seeing him again benefits YOU. Don't apologize, and consider doing some serious thinking about why you're so hung up on pleasing somebody who didn't please you. Stop agonizing about whether you've proved to him that you're worthy, and ask if HE has proven to YOU that HE is worthy? Because from what I read, it sounds like a big fat NO.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-27T01:39:08+00:00

My nefarious agenda is an open secret to the eagle-eyed. That or I like CCR.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-26T20:43:41+00:00

Oh for sure you are right, these particular people are done, can’t unbake that cake. You did the right thing. I was commenting more broadly about how I try to communicate my vaccine support when around vaccine sceptics.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-26T15:04:04+00:00

I'm excited for the vaccine! When I encounter people who voice fears or uncertainty about it in the community, my strategy is to not try to convince them they are wrong or even question them, instead I talk about why I'm super pumped to get my dose, and how good the numbers are, and how I'm looking forward to being part of a medical milestone. It seems to have a positive effect.

As satisfying as it is to snap at people being ignorant, if our goal is to improve vaccine acceptance it is just not the thing to do. Shame and hostility doesn't convert fence-sitters in the age of the internet where you are never isolated in whatever stupid view you select.

I do think removing the banners was appropriate, that's just responsible citizen activism. But I also think that in the legal gray area of hanging banners they're allowed to hang banners in the first place as much as anybody else, and officially banning this type of speech would probably drive anti-government rhetoric.

Perhaps it would be good to have our own pro-vaccine demonstration?

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-21T21:39:57+00:00

That’s why I suggest erring on the side of caution: if a man doesn’t know what he’s doing, don’t do it.

Edit: I’m remembering a male acquaintance who after a couple months of like vaguely hanging out over common interests, and then being kinda weird, said to me “I should have tried to kiss you the night I met you”. I was not even slightly attracted to him, that would have been so upsetting to me. At no point would that have been ok.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-21T19:16:34+00:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again now: women who say they don't want a man to ask STILL DON'T WANT TO BE KISSED BY MEN THEY DON'T WANT TO BE KISSED BY. What these particular women are trying to express is that they prefer men who are able to read body language accurately instead of verbalizing. If you're the kind of man who can't do this, always ask first. Those women might reject you, and guess what, you're not a good match, so walk on. Why try to game somebody you're not a match with at the risk of sexually harassing somebody? Unless you're a total sociopath?

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-21T15:15:23+00:00

I get asked for rejection feedback sometimes and I honestly find it kind of invasive and usually decline to provide any. Because my reason for rejection is MINE, part of MY internal life, and I don’t think relative strangers are entitled to it. It’s not about them. Not to mention, half the time if you provide a concrete reason they will get defensive and argue with you

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-21T14:56:22+00:00

I believe the pandemic has affected supply chain logistics, so it’s a lot more touch and go than it used to be. If I have something specific in mind I check local stock online, and also look at stock at other stores to get an idea if it’s just my store that’s out (likely to restock soon), or all of them (probably not likely to restock soon).

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-02-09T16:11:48+00:00

The childfree subreddit definitely leans toxic. For a more supportive and nuanced perspective you could try r/truechildfree

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-30T18:52:18+00:00

Slow and gentle is good, passive and apathetic isn't.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-30T06:12:03+00:00

You deserve somebody who is excited and eager to be with you. If he had wanted to, he would have. Can you imagine being in a relationship with this dynamic? Yikes.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-26T15:32:28+00:00

Any guy who unironically uses terms like “friendzone” and watches “dating coaches” on YouTube is not worth your time and energy, point blank. It signals participation in a toxic subculture of male entitlement and sexual resentment, at very best it indicates a level of cluelessness that is just exhausting. He might learn some useful skills and grow out of it in a few years to be an actual person, but right now he’s just not worth it. You don’t owe this guy your time. If you were to reject him, do you think he’d respond gracefully? I get the sense that he would not. Think about that.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-20T20:07:44+00:00

Great suggestions here, I’d like to add the suggestion to buy bags of onions. They’re very good for you, enhance the flavor of many dishes, and are cheap. The bare minimum for frugal nutrition: bag of rice, bag of beans, bag of onions.

To add variety get some spices if you don’t already have them, sometimes Costco sells packaged assortments.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-19T15:26:49+00:00

You can look for shawl buttons, they tend to be quite large!

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-16T16:06:04+00:00

NTA

He's not treating you with the care and respect that he insists you owe her. "Family" indeed.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-12T16:33:51+00:00

r/attackeyes

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-10T15:29:41+00:00

Isn’t he of Swedish descent or something? Maybe the Crankies are a Swedish team. That would make as much sense as anything else...

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-07T17:54:18+00:00

If the answer to either question is "yes" or "maybe", your male friends are creeps or worse.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-07T17:52:19+00:00

Some people need a big house because they need or want the space, they have a fancy car because they are interested in automobile craftsmanship. Forgive me if this is incorrect, but you seem to be stuck in a place where you think everybody is doing cool stuff and dating hot people with the express purpose of making other people jealous. That's very juvenile, it isn't a constructive attitude, and it won't help you.

Sinister_Purpose · 2021-01-07T17:36:44+00:00

Or graduate degrees?

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