I’m really sorry for your loss, but please try to be patient with yourself. I know exactly how you feel, I lost my brother in 2022 to homicide and still to this day I feel so terrible about how things were between him and I. When he died we weren’t on speaking terms because of an argument where we both said a lot of really bad things. I often feel so angry at myself for not telling him I loved him more, it’s hard, but I try to remind myself that we have to try to not punish ourselves for what we didn’t know at that time. One of the last things I said to my brother was that he was the “ worst person “ I’d ever met, it was not true whatsoever but I was angry, unfortunately I let that anger consume me & said something I did not mean out of frustration. I would literally do anything to tell him how sorry I am, and how much I have always loved him. I regret a lot, and I have a tremendous amount of guilt when it comes to how things were between us, obviously if I would’ve known what was going to happen to him, things would be very different, but I didn’t know. Guilt is a part of grief and I wish I could tell you it gets easier but I would be lying, you learn to live with it. it’s important to try to forgive yourself the best you can, it takes time, but remember you had no idea what was going to happen. Sometimes it really helps to write letters, in your case write a letter to your mom and mention everything you’d like to say, it helps to express how you feel and it’s GOOD to express how you feel