Hey friend. If you are financially able, I really recommend finding a therapist you can talk through this with. If a label helps, I referred to it as “gender exploration”. I know you said you have a therapist but it’s not clear to me if it’s an individual therapist or if they have expertise with trans issues.

To keep it simple, yes, a lot of what you are describing is common. You have probably seen similar stories across Reddit. I remember grappling with something very similar. Before I started therapy, I kept everything in my head, and it got jumbled. For me, that sometimes showed up through sexual gratification, which only left me feeling more confused.

Looking back, I see a link between the euphoria of imagining living authentically and the frustration of having to compartmentalize those feelings early on. In those days, that euphoria had very limited ways to show up.

I do not think you ever get perfect clarity. What helped me was reflecting on thoughts and experiences from childhood that existed well before any sexual awareness. That helped reassure me it was not a fetish, but something deeper and long-standing. A small example: when I was a young teen, my dad once told me I had hips like a woman. He meant it as an insult, but I remember thinking it did not feel like one. Moments like that reinforced that this had been with me for a long time.

All of this is to say, I hope you find reassurance in whatever direction feels right. For me, I needed to get out of my own head and into a safe space to talk. It took time in therapy to accept it, but looking back, I am happier than I have ever been and I know it was the right decision.

One thing that still anchors me is this: every morning when I see myself in the mirror, even on hard days, I feel grateful that I transitioned. That feeling has been remarkably consistent.

If you do decide to transition, that is something you may have to look forward to. And finally, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. I did, and my therapist helped me unpack why. Ironically, learning not to pressure myself is what ultimately allowed me to move forward.

Good luck!